The challenges of meditation

I don't know if you meditate, but I try to take at least thirty minutes or so every morning in quiet meditation - which for me is actually an oxymoron because although there's no outward noise, the noise in my head is deafening.

I start like this: "okay, breathe. Inhale, exhale, good, deep breath, maybe I should count my breaths...one...two...three...that was really interesting meeting that woman at the subway station yesterday. An information architect is what she said she is....what is that exactly? Web design is what it seemed like to me...I really liked her...what was her name? I got her name and number to talk about work....oh, shit, back to the breath.....inhale, exhale, one....two....three.... four....what was that dream about President Obama I had last night? ...We were on his private helicopter, going back to the White House...that must mean sex, flying....I asked him how he made decisions, how he stayed so cool and he said he didn't have any problem making decisions. That the last one he made he just went to the internet and read about the issue (he told me what site he went to) and then he just said, okay, this is my decision and then we talked about how nice it is to live in a place with a swimming pool and screening room and so many people looking after you....oh God, how long was that? Ten minutes? I wasted ten minutes? ....one, two, three.............four....inhale.....exhale....."

And on and on it goes. I probably have five full minutes of mediating for every thirty minutes of mind meandering. I doubt I'll ever get it right, but I guess the point is to just try.

Yesterday was a very happy day. Sometimes I forget how capable I am of being genuinely happy and excited about the future, but yesterday I was. I saw friends who helped me think about job possibilities, looked at an apartment, had a delicious lunch (or lun-ner - "late lunch") with a dear friend, ran into an old friend and a new friend on the street, enjoyed the gorgeous weather, walked over the Brooklyn Bridge, got an invitation to a cocktail party later in the month, walked the dogs, wrote a gratitude list and went to sleep.

It's hard to believe that a week from tomorrow is the 8th anniversary of 9/11, or that I'm still dealing with so much loss in my life. I guess the good news is that increasingly I do feel optimistic and I hope that the economy continues to improve so that there are more jobs available. I love that I can meditate any time of the day or night, even if I don't do it perfectly. Next up will be yoga. I need to get back to that, hopefully next month. And remembering to breathe.