Remember how it felt when you were a kid and you had no one to go on a seasaw with you? So you'd push yourself up and that would be fun and then you'd hit the top and come crashing down. That's a bit how I feel these days. It seems to be worse in the morning when I wake up around 5 or 5:30. I wonder if I have low blood sugar because everything feels dramatically horrible to me, before the sun rises. Even when it rises it doesn't feel that good until I get myself going. Some days getting myself up and out of bed seems impossible, but fortunately, walking the dogs is probably good for me. The fact that it's summer helps too. And I usually hear from a few people overnight or early in the morning, so that always cheers me up. I find it quite ironic that one of my complaints about my husband was that he was always either traveling or wanting to travel - or alone in his studio - so I felt quite lonely. And now I actually am alone. Pretty much all the time.
My friend John said, it's like emptying a closet. It feels empty at first, but then gradually it fills up again. I literally am emptying closets, and file cabinets and book shelves and it is hard to let go of things, but I guess it's lucky that I've never been too attached to "things." I love my bike, my dogs and the photo albums. I'll also miss my fantastic bed, which I will sell, but better to start new.
Pema Chodron on loneliness from "When Things Fall Apart":
"Usually we regard loneliness as an enemy. Heartache is not something we choose to invite in. It's restless and pregnant and hot with the desire to escape and find something or someone to keep us company. When we can rest in the middle, we begin to have a non-threatening relationship with loneliness, a relaxing and cooling loneliness that completely turns our usual fearful patterns upside down."
I would never choose to go through this, but I think in the end, I am going to be a much different and more compassionate person. And I will probably be more appreciative of my life.
In terms of what's happening in this country, I cannot believe that parents (I think it's mostly in Texas) are upset that Obama's going to be addressing school children this week.
Are they nuts? What's wrong with them? I don't even know how to address this. Morons?
And then there's the whole front page article today in the Times about Wall Street and the idea of life insurance "bundles" like they did with mortgages?
What?? Are they kidding? Is anybody home? At the White House, in Congress, anywhere?
2 comments:
What you said about feeling worst in the morning until you get up and start moving into your day reminds me of--as just about everything else does--yoga. At first you're stiff and scared you're going to break something, and slowly you start moving that synovial fluid around your joints and warming up your muscles and suddenly you feel strong and flexible. I feel like a broken record, but yoga would be so good for you. The work you do physically often blossoms in your emotional life in wonderful ways ...
Yes, yoga, I know. I'll be there with you soon. I promise.
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