Late yesterday afternoon I returned to the apartment and bookshelves were emptied, closets were cleaned out, artwork moved around and several pieces were taken. It made me sad and just as I started to cry, a friend called. She too has been through divorce and she was so kind. She told me her husband left her (after they'd spent half their lives together) at the end of December a few years ago and she spent January and the rest of the winter alone, in the dark and in deep mourning. That sounded really rough. Sometimes as I'm walking the dogs late at night I think, well, it could be worse. This could be January - and truly, I am enjoying being here alone with them and having the space to myself. It's just when the reminder that this dream of marriage and family is over and the reality hits you in the face that it really hurts.
This morning I am having trouble getting out of bed, I have ten more minutes to get the dogs out (my morning routine is meditate, drink coffee, read, write and walk dogs by 8 am.) But no one cares if it's 8:15, so I may be moving a bit slower today.
Another friend of mine is dealing with the same abandonment issues now as she and her husband, who have been living in separate quarters in their apartment, are getting closer to physically separating. If this issue of abandonment is part of your childhood experience, I think it's much harder to deal with in your present life. My mother got sick when I was a teenager and went out to California to stay with relatives for a few months. I felt abandoned and alone, especially when my father went out there too. I got through it, but it left some scars.
Fortunately, I am not really alone. I have good support systems and life has a way of working out for the best, so much of the time. If only someone could come and walk the dogs and let me go back to sleep.