Letting go of rage

The other day I found out that my ex husband did something that really made me angry. I won't go into it, because I don't want to hurt anyone, but I will say dealing with anger is always a challenge for me.  I don't like it.

So this morning, in my daily meditation, along with the challenge of just breathing and not letting this one incident hijack the meditation, I inhaled the anger and rage I was feeling and then I moved onto the situation in the horn of Africa, and the millions who are suffering and dying there, and the violence in the Congo, and then I breathed in the rioting in London and the rage of people there who are angry at their government, and then I breathed in the Tea Party and the Republicans, and the Democrats who seem to lack the courage to fight, and I tried to pretty cover the entire world in my meditation, breathing in the problems and breathing out the light. This is one of Pema's teachings, that all of us could connect in our meditation and she writes about it "Practicing Peace in Times of War." 

Do I feel better?  Not so much.  But I do feel more grounded and ready to face my day.  And fortunately for me, the overwhelming feeling I have in my life now is not anger, it's gratitude and appreciation.

One year later

I just looked back at this blog and saw that on August 5, 2009, my daughter, Zoe, and ex, Steve packed up the car and left our family home (the most recent one - we'd moved about three times in previous five years.)  I remember the feelings I had that day, it was probably one of the lowest points of my life.  I had just lost my mother and now my family was breaking apart.

So here I am one year later.  It's been an incredible year of magical thinking, I guess you could say.  Many miracles and many life lessons have occurred.  A one year anniversary is significant in that it is a measure of the first Thanksgiving without your family, the first birthday, Christmas and Hanukah, a long series of firsts.  Surviving these events, going through all the feelings that come up, starts to gradually make you feel stronger.  

I am so grateful for the way this year has unfolded and for all the positive changes in my life.  I have a wonderful home in Manhattan with the nicest loftmate in the world.  My dogs are still here with me and although they are both old, and not doing all that well, they have given me so much love, it would have been much harder without them. (And it was also hard with them -- walking four times a day most days, in the winter, in the heat - not an easy job.)  They are pretty famous in the neighborhood, particularly Lola.  

I am close to having a job, at least a freelance one.  I don't want to talk about it yet, but it's something that I am very excited about - and I hope will work out.  Zoe is doing really well in San Francisco.  I've met some very nice men.  I've learned so much about life just by sitting in Friends In Deed for the past year.  I've kept up my meditation practice, as imperfect as it is.  I've started running again and although recently my knee has been bothering me, I've kept it up and am working on building up the muscles around my knees.  Exercise has really helped.  We are getting closer to resolving our divorce and hopefully that will happen soon.  I wish Steve well, I am tired of fighting and look forward to someday having all of this in the past.  

My friends have sustained me and I don't even have the words to say how grateful I am.

Onward. 

The challenges of meditation

I don't know if you meditate, but I try to take at least thirty minutes or so every morning in quiet meditation - which for me is actually an oxymoron because although there's no outward noise, the noise in my head is deafening.

I start like this: "okay, breathe. Inhale, exhale, good, deep breath, maybe I should count my breaths...one...two...three...that was really interesting meeting that woman at the subway station yesterday. An information architect is what she said she is....what is that exactly? Web design is what it seemed like to me...I really liked her...what was her name? I got her name and number to talk about work....oh, shit, back to the breath.....inhale, exhale, one....two....three.... four....what was that dream about President Obama I had last night? ...We were on his private helicopter, going back to the White House...that must mean sex, flying....I asked him how he made decisions, how he stayed so cool and he said he didn't have any problem making decisions. That the last one he made he just went to the internet and read about the issue (he told me what site he went to) and then he just said, okay, this is my decision and then we talked about how nice it is to live in a place with a swimming pool and screening room and so many people looking after you....oh God, how long was that? Ten minutes? I wasted ten minutes? ....one, two, three.............four....inhale.....exhale....."

And on and on it goes. I probably have five full minutes of mediating for every thirty minutes of mind meandering. I doubt I'll ever get it right, but I guess the point is to just try.

Yesterday was a very happy day. Sometimes I forget how capable I am of being genuinely happy and excited about the future, but yesterday I was. I saw friends who helped me think about job possibilities, looked at an apartment, had a delicious lunch (or lun-ner - "late lunch") with a dear friend, ran into an old friend and a new friend on the street, enjoyed the gorgeous weather, walked over the Brooklyn Bridge, got an invitation to a cocktail party later in the month, walked the dogs, wrote a gratitude list and went to sleep.

It's hard to believe that a week from tomorrow is the 8th anniversary of 9/11, or that I'm still dealing with so much loss in my life. I guess the good news is that increasingly I do feel optimistic and I hope that the economy continues to improve so that there are more jobs available. I love that I can meditate any time of the day or night, even if I don't do it perfectly. Next up will be yoga. I need to get back to that, hopefully next month. And remembering to breathe.