Drowning

One of the most important lessons I’ve had to learn, struggle with, accept – was something my therapist, Michael Eigen, always tried to teach me.  I couldn’t get it for years.  Then Buddhism and 12 Step rooms re-enforced the concept and now I still struggle with it, but I’m getting better at it.  The lesson is to not fight whatever feelings are in me – to accept them – to welcome them.  The more you fight them, the more they linger.

It is like drowning.  When you fight the waves, when you struggle and exhaust yourself, you drown.  When you relax into the water, when you find the moments you can breathe and trust that you will not drown, then you live.  That was my experience in a rip tide when I was in my early 20’s.  I was in Malibu, swimming on a beach with no lifeguards.  I went out into the waves, confident, having grown up on Long Island beaches, and I experienced, for the first time, what a rip tide is.  At first I was tossed around underwater and I was terrified.  My first thought was “this is it. You are going to drown.”  And my second thought was, “Do not panic.  That is how people drown.”  Since there was no one there who could save me, I had to do it on my own, I somehow managed to stay calm and not exhaust myself, and I lived.  It was a lesson in trusting myself and that inner voice that knows the truth.  I wish that I had remembered it all these years – it’s a good way to live.  Quietly, listening to that voice. 

Not the other voices, that are louder, and more critical.  You’re doing it wrong, you’re a fuck-up, you’re going to make a mistake, you’re not good enough.

No.  Just calm down and trust.  That will be my mantra for today.  Let’s see how it goes. 

Gratitude today

I couldn't let this morning pass without saying how grateful I am for getting through this past week - with its many challenges.  First we had a 5.9 earthquake to deal with and although I didn't actually feel it, it definitely scared me!  And before we had a chance to process that unusual occurrence, we had a serious hurricane bearing down on us.

I would say that the entire east coast deserves a break.  This morning is so beautiful, bright blue skies and cool temperatures, it's a perfect day to be grateful for having survived a very intense week.  

I have to admit, I was a bit scared about the hurricane and I definitely went stir crazy waiting - but I did quite a bit of de-cluttering and ate well (thanks to Nate, Abigail's son) and I read and went to the gym.  I'm sorry that the storm caused so many problems, but hopefully we won't face anything like this past week again for another seventy or so years. 

Thomas Wolfe on loneliness

Since everything is shut down today, I've been de-cluttering.  I found a book of quotations and read this wonderful quote by Thomas Wolfe:

"The whole conviction of my life now rests upon the belief that loneliness, far from being a rare and curious phenomenon, peculiar to myself, and to a few other solitary men, is the central and inevitable fact of human existence."

Sunday morning - Hurricane Irene aftermath

New York and all the states seems to have really learned from Hurricane Katrina and their emergency plans were in place.  Also, the hurricane really hasn't been much of a storm, at least not in the city.  Outside of the city, it was terrible. 

I was a little scared, I have to admit, but it was lovely to be here with Abigail and Nate.  Nate cooked us a fantastic dinner, chicken tikka masala and dal.  

We watched a rather odd film called "The Trip."  

Here are some photos from a walk through SoHo this morning.  The scaffolding on top of the Puck Building is leaning over the front of the building and Lafayette Street is blocked off to traffic.  That was really the only damage I could see, other than some tree branches falling.


New York City was very lucky. 

Getting closer

As the hurricane makes its way up the coast, it is eerily quiet in NYC.  All the stores in SoHo have signs saying, "Due to inclement weather, we will be closed Saturday and Sunday."  

I think we're all trying to just stay calm and trust that the city has made the right emergency plans.  It definitely feels today like the calm before the storm.

It's a good time to remember the Serenity Prayer, to read a good book, and to not watch the Weather Channel.  I also hope to get motivated tomorrow to de-clutter and keep busy.  How I will walk Lucy is going to be a challenge. 

As my friend Nelle from Capetown, South Africa said this morning, "We'll just have to take it in our stride."  
 

Hurricane watch

A hurricane is making its way up the eastern seaboard.  Abigail and I went grocery shopping today and we have more food in the loft than we've had in the two years I've lived here.  I just made a delicious pasta with fresh mozzarella, tomatoes and basil.  We have plenty of water, and ice cream.  Hopefully we won't lose power.

It seems that the hurricane is being downgraded and probably won't be that bad - but I think it's great that the city has been preparing for it.  I thought of my mother because she would have had to have been evacuated.  I missed her - those feelings come up without warning, I just feel sad and miss having her to talk to.

All public transportation will be shut down by noon tomorrow.  Soho will be deserted!!   I'm hoping it is not a serious hurricane and it passes through with no damage and no loss of life.

Hit by a 2 x 4 - an epiphany

I had a good realization early this morning, while meditating.  It started yesterday, when I was having a difficult day.  I was walking back from Tribeca, after showing a loft, and I was so exhausted I could barely make it back to my office.  I called a friend and he told me his back was killing him and as we were talking, I passed a bed store.  I said, "Oh, I think I'm going inside this bed store and lie down on a really comfortable bed."  And he said, "Oh, the Hastens bed store? My friend is the manager there."

It turned out that the Hastens store was next to the other bed store, so I went inside the Hastens store, walked over to a bed and lay down on top of the bed.  I felt like I was being held by the most loving arms.  The saleswoman came over and we started to talk, she was so nice.  Eventually I told her my tale of woe - we had one of these fantastically comfortable beds, got divorced, daughter left, yadayada, my litany of pain.  She was so sweet, she said, "You know, we are having a sweepstakes to give away a bed, probably the one you had - you should enter! I bet you'll win!"  

And then I tried the less expensive bed that I was surely going to win, and then I asked, which is the best bed in the store?

I tried the most expensive bed in the store, I won't even tell you the price - it's insane - okay, $90,000.  I know, it's craaaaaaaaazzzzzzzzzy, but someone, like Oprah, surely has this bed.  And honestly, I liked the first one better (that was only $19,000.)  But anyway, the saleswoman said, "Here, let me turn down the lights over the bed and you relax for five minutes."  We continued talking and she told me that her mom lives in Jamaica and she and her sister both live far away and how much her mother misses them.  I got a bit teary, talking about Zoe, and also remembering how important it is for our kids to have their own lives, no matter where they chose to go.  Somehow, the combination of resting and talking and a few tears, totally transformed my day. I was energized and able to go back to the office.

And then this morning, I was meditating and it hit me that 2009, the terrible, worst year of my life, was really in many ways, the best.  It was the year that I lived the Serenity Prayer, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."  Before 2009 I said those words, I tried to believe those words, but after 2009 I started to really live them.

This morning I realized that now it's my responsibility to take each day and make the most of it, often simply by trusting my instincts about what to do.  Sometimes I feel tired, or sad, or afraid, but by the end of every day, I have a feeling of acceptance.  

In my reading today of "When Things Fall Apart," Pema Chodron writes about when she became the director of Gampo Abbey and all her delusions about what a great person she was - the golden girl, etc., were completely shattered.  She eventually learned this lesson, "Love the truth of you on the spot." 

I think that, like me, she appreciated the suffering she did that first year at Gampo Abbey, just as I have appreciated the changes these two years have brought me.  They weren't all easy, but there were definitely many moments of laughter and some amazing gifts.  They literally brought me to my knees, but the growth has been worth it. 

"Nailed to the present moment"

Today is Tuesday, August 23, 2011.  It is 8:50 am, the weather is totally beautiful, not humid, not hot, a perfect day.

Today, Libya is in chaos.  The rebels seems to be overthrowing the government, although there are still some questions about how they will manage to actually govern, if they do succeed in getting rid of Qadhafi. 


The world economy remains in a tenuous state.  There is fighting all over.  There is illness and birth and great sadness, and memories of 9/11 as we get closer to the 10th anniversary.  Today's weather reminds me of 9/11/01.

This is what I read today in "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron:

"The trick is to keep exploring and not bail out, even when we find out that something is not what we thought.  That's what we're going to discover again and again and again.  Nothing is what we thought.  I can say that with great confidence.  Emptiness is not what we thought.  Neither is mindfulness or fear.  Compassion - not what we thought. Love, Buddha nature.  Courage.  These are code words for things we don't know in our minds, but any of us could experience them.  These are words that point to what life really is when we let things fall apart and let ourselves be nailed to the present moment."

Whatever we are feeling in the present moment, is good.  Yesterday afternoon, I was feeling some discomfort and I didn't enjoy it.  But I sat with it and then I had a conversation with a friend who had also had some difficult feelings during the day - and before too long, we were both laughing and somehow the feelings lifted.  I remember saying, if I just let the feelings in and don't fight them, somehow they lift.  After we hung up, I received an email thanking me for something I'd said in an earlier email and that totally lifted my spirits.  

Today I will live in the present moment and experience whatever shows up. But first I will buy dog food.  

Lesson from Kabbalah

This morning I received a message from Yehuda Berg, a Kabbalah teacher, that I thought was worth sharing. I realized my spiritual path began years ago when I read the Tao de Ching, and it has encompassed so many different teachers, so I think it's important to share whatever message comes along that resonates for me:

If we are on a spiritual path, we are going to struggle. It’s not easy. It’s hard to let go of our fears, it’s hard to stop being jealous, it’s hard to constantly work on ourselves.

And the hardest part is seeing—seeing the true reality. How often have we looked back on a broken friendship or love relationship and thought to ourselves, “What did I see in that person?”

The truth is we don’t see. As it says in the Zohar, the main text of Kabbalah, “the eyes cannot comprehend everything.”

This is because we are trapped in the moment, trapped within the illusion of the five senses.

So what’s the answer? How do we get out of this trap?

We peel away the layers of our ego.

My father and teacher, Kabbalist Rav Berg, says our soul is like a lamp that we cover with blankets. Our ego nature conceals the Light within us. Me, me, me, me, me. “I can’t believe he said that to me.” “What will they think of me?” “Look at me, I am great.” “Look at me, I’m pathetic.”

Being constantly obsessed with ourselves prevents us from seeing what is really going on.

Only when we remove our ego, piece by piece, are we able to see the truth in situations and people.

The secret is to see others first and ourselves second. Only then can we have the merit to rise above the limitations of our five senses and turn on our sixth sense.

What exactly is the sixth sense? It is the ability to see something we’ve never seen before, to suddenly get the answer to questions we’ve been constantly asking.

After all, what is Kabbalah? It is learning to receive. And we receive not through the intellect, but through connecting to the Light.

This week, the forces of the universe are pushing us to see our purpose; to perceive that which normally eludes us. We are given an opportunity to see that which we are normally blind to, by simply letting go of our ego.

The following tools can help us to connect to this positive influence:

• Transformative sharing

• Getting out of the comfort zone

• Removing the agendas

And as always, scanning the Zohar and the 72 Names of God are our allies in our battle to experience the joy our Creator intended for us.

Try it—you’ll like what you see.

All the best, Yehuda

Fear, and more fear

I imagine there's a way to look up how many times "fear" has appeared in the title of these blog posts.  Many times, I am certain, would be the answer. 

It's a constant, although not always acknowledged part of everyone's lives, I believe.  And the more you try to live a more conscious life, the more you are aware of it. This doesn't mean it should stop you from taking risks and enjoying life, but it does mean you have to learn how to live with fear.  

"Intimacy with Fear" is the title of the first chapter of "When Things Fall Apart."  


"If we want to go beneath the surface and practice without hesitation, it is inevitable that at some point we will experience fear."  
 

Yesterday we met with two general managers to talk about the play and where it should go next.  It all sounded great - they are enthusiastic and interested and believe it has definite commercial potential.  As our director says, "We have a lot of ducks to get in a row."  Fortunately, we only need to get one duck at a time.   

In Steve Chandler's book, "Time Warrior" he quotes Michael Jordan:

"I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career.  I've lost more than 300 games.  Twenty-six times I've been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed.  I've failed over and over and over again in my life...and that's why I succeed."  


Last night, I found out from a dear friend that her husband has been in and out of the hospital much of the summer.  I am thinking of her and praying for them both.  I hope I can do more than that, but for right now, that's all I can do.  

Chaos should be regarded as extremely good news

In the reading this morning of "When Things Fall Apart," Pema Chodron's introduction to the book includes some quotes from Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche, her Buddhist teacher:

"Making friends with our own demons, and their accompanying insecurity leads to a very simple, understated relaxation and joy."

I really hope that someday, I can honestly say I've found this to work in my life.  Right now, I am pretty far from the experience of "a very simple, understated relaxation and joy."  

Rinpoche also gave her the instruction to relax and write. At the time, she never imagined that she would be able to.  She has spent many years now doing just that - so I think that there is hope.  

Her year of "doing nothing" in 1995, as she explains in the introduction, led her to one of her most important books, "When Things Fall Apart."  

"If your life is chaotic and stressful, there's plenty of advice here for you.  If you're in transition, suffering from loss, or just fundamentally restless, these teachings are tailor made.  The main point is that we all need to be reminded and encouraged to relax with whatever arises and bring whatever we encounter to the path."

The first time I read the book, I was in transition. The second time I was suffering from loss.  Now, I am just fundamentally restless.  My life has moved forward in a very challenging way, but I am still feeling fear and discomfort sometimes.  I think that this is life - and I am learning how to sit with it and not try to escape it. 

The final quote:

"Chaos should be regarded as extremely good news." 

When Things Fall Apart - again

A few years ago I read Pema Chodron's book "When Things Fall Apart" when I was going through the most difficult time of my life and it helped me enormously.  I underlined it and re-read it and it was one of the ways I survived the break-up of my marriage, my mother's death and my daughter moving away from home.

I decided now is a good time to re-read it and so every day I'm going to read just one page and some days I will write about it.  Today I read the first page of the introduction and Pema mentions that in 1995 she took a sabbatical and "essentially did nothing."  She read and hiked and slept.  She meditated and wrote.  She said she had no agenda, and no shoulds.  That alone sounds like a great accomplishment in a society that values achievement, to step back and take time off.  I wonder if that was also the year she spent in silence.  I wish I could do something like that and maybe someday I will. 

She also spent the year reading the writing she had done over the years from her teachings and she discovered that she talked a great deal about maitri (loving kindness towards oneself) and from that practice, a fearless compassionate attitude towards others' pain.  

Last night I went to Friends In Deed's Tuesday night group and it was a very large meeting (they are about to go on vacation, so I guess many people felt the need to be there.)  I noticed how much compassion I felt towards most people, but there was one person whose pain was so intense, it made me uncomfortable.  I have to work on that, because sometimes pain is extremely intense and unbearable.  I did feel compassion, but I also had a difficult time allowing myself to connect with this particular woman.  She is definitely in a period of "groundlessness" - uncharted territory. 

In Pema's words, "dissolving the dualistic tension between us and them, this and that, good and bad, by inviting in what we usually avoid" - made me think about how I reacted to this woman. And I hope that during these next few weeks, she will be able to cope with all the fear and find her way through a maze of doctors and treatments and decisions.  
 

Groundlessness

I finally had time to watch the entire Bill Moyers interview with Pema Chodron and it really was such a fantastic learning experience.

She talked about several concepts - the one I want to talk about now is "groundlessness."  It's when something happens in your life that is so difficult, like a serious illness, or the loss of someone you love, or a divorce, anything that shakes you up and causes you to feel like the ground beneath your feet is gone - and at first you feel scared, but later on you come to realize how important that experience is to your personal growth.  

I can't imagine what my life would be like now if I hadn't been through these past two and a half years of fear, anxiety and challenge.  I would be living an unhappy life instead of an awake, scary and one day at a time kind of life.  I wouldn't have done all the reading and seeking I've done, I wouldn't have learned about standing on my own two feet again, I wouldn't have allowed myself the time to grieve and I wouldn't have moved through what felt like both a nightmare and a test.   


It's something I really want to write about and I'm trying to write about it - but I think I still need a little more distance before I can really do it justice.  I'm glad I kept this blog, even though I couldn't always write everything I wanted to write, I wrote enough to serve as a reminder of where I was and where I am now.


Grateful.  Filled with gratitude for the challenges.  And I'm happier, even though I miss my daughter and my mother.  I'm going to see Zoe in two months and I am so excited to see her again.  And I talk to my mother now and then and she doesn't have anything too annoying to say, so that's pretty nice. 

Turning a corner

The combination of meditation and Steve Chandler's line yesterday about figuring out the perfect day, every day, gave me the opportunity to let go of my anger towards my ex (who will from now on be known as E - which I will explain sometime soon.)  

I had a perfect day yesterday - the weather was unbelievably gorgeous.  I met with a lovely couple who need to sell their loft, a 5th floor walk-up.  We sat for an hour and talked about life and real estate, too, of course.  One of my favorite things about real estate is that you really get to know all kinds of people - quickly - because you become so involved in their lives.

I went to the office for just a couple of hours and worked hard and then left, came home to Lucy and went for a walk.  It was too beautiful to stay home last night, so I went to a "meet-up" which involves many single people crowded onto a roof of a hotel.  It was so not pleasurable, I left after twenty minutes and walked home along the river.  

Every night I write at least three things I'm grateful for and it's always easy to think of more.  I wish that I could contribute more in the world, send more money to the horn of Africa, fix the government, work on climate control - I wish I had those skills.  But for right now, I'm meditating, sending out good thoughts into the world, trying to make a perfect day, a day at a time, and letting the years take care of themselves.  And I am so grateful for my daughter, my home, my job, my writing, my friends, NYC, my beloved Lucy, my health, all the lessons I've had these past few years, summertime, tomatoes, fruit, my iPhone which allows me to listen to music, call people and take photographs.

Today is another beautiful day.  Park Avenue is closed to traffic, so I'm going to get on my bike and ride uptown and then downtown on the west side.  And I will turn many corners.  

Steve Chandler's advice today

From his new book "Time Warrior" -  "Don't create your year, create your day.  Figure out the perfect day and then live it.  The year will take care of itself. So will your life." 

Letting go of rage

The other day I found out that my ex husband did something that really made me angry. I won't go into it, because I don't want to hurt anyone, but I will say dealing with anger is always a challenge for me.  I don't like it.

So this morning, in my daily meditation, along with the challenge of just breathing and not letting this one incident hijack the meditation, I inhaled the anger and rage I was feeling and then I moved onto the situation in the horn of Africa, and the millions who are suffering and dying there, and the violence in the Congo, and then I breathed in the rioting in London and the rage of people there who are angry at their government, and then I breathed in the Tea Party and the Republicans, and the Democrats who seem to lack the courage to fight, and I tried to pretty cover the entire world in my meditation, breathing in the problems and breathing out the light. This is one of Pema's teachings, that all of us could connect in our meditation and she writes about it "Practicing Peace in Times of War." 

Do I feel better?  Not so much.  But I do feel more grounded and ready to face my day.  And fortunately for me, the overwhelming feeling I have in my life now is not anger, it's gratitude and appreciation.

Change of title

I don't know if my new title "Pre-meditated: Pema and me" will be acceptable to Blogger, but I thought I'd give it a try. 

I started this blog and wanted it to be about meditation and Pema Chodron's writings and somehow life got in the way.  But now I want to keep my focus again on meditation and I'd write more, but Lucy really needs to go for a walk.

In these difficult times, meditation seems to be the best answer for so many people.  Sit with the feelings, the fears.  

Smile at Fear

I watched "Smile at Fear" a talk Pema Chodron gave last night and thought I'd post it here.  It's worth watching. 

Envy again

I wish that envy never appeared in my life.  Right now, one of the most talented, kindest and most supportive people I know, is having all the success I have dreamt of.  No one deserves it more, no one has been more generous, not just to me. but to hundreds of writers and performers.  If any writer should be given sainthood, he should.  And still, I feel envious.

Life is simply difficult.  The glass is both half full and half empty.  


Last night, I took Lucy out for a walk and I ran into the young woman who manages the hotel across the street.  She mentioned that her parents had been visiting NY and that it was probably the last time they would be able to do so.  She told me that her mother, who is only 51, is going to be paralyzed, because of a tumor that's growing in her neck.  This young woman just turned 30.  She is too young to be dealing with such heartbreak.  I wished there was something I could do to help.  I know the only thing I can do is listen whenever we run into each other, if she feels like talking.  I wish there were something more I could do, but her parents live in South Africa. I told her about Friends In Deed. 

I am embarrassed that I feel envy about my writing, when life is filled with so many tragedies and challenges.  I know that Pema Chodron would say, "You're human.  Humans feel anger, envy, jealousy, rage, every single emotion. Feel them."  


I guess right now I feel mostly sad, for my friend and for her family and for everyone in the world who is suffering.  This is not an easy time for most people.  But I am happy for my writing friend - and I am grateful for my life, for Zoe and Abigail, my dear friends, and for Lucy is who now pacing in front of me, ready to go out for her next walk.

No more procrastinating

I've been in touch with Steve Chandler, the business coach who wrote two books I love - "Reinventing Yourself" and "Fearless."  He sent me a couple of his books and CD's.  I decided to start reading "Time Warrior" which, I believe, is his latest book.  The introduction talks about not putting things off for later, but simply doing them as they come along.  So I sent off my latest pages of the play, which I have re-written, to my writing partner and I will try to take care of everything as it comes along today and see how it goes.  

I did hear a great story about Pema Chodron yesterday.  A friend of mine is up in Nova Scotia, where a thousand people have come together to meditate.  Pema was speaking to them yesterday and someone's cell phone went off right in the middle of her talk. The cell phone played a tune and she started dancing to it.  

Good lessons for life. 

Pema is always right

This morning I woke up with a headache and with fear.  I read that The S & P lowered the U.S.'s rating and I immediately went deeper into fear.

Fear has a way of expanding in record time.  One minute you feel a little sad, a little headache-y and the next minute, you're thinking, "Life completely sucks, I just want to go to bed and never get up."

So I did my mediation this morning and eventually I heard Pema Chodron's voice say, "Sit with the fear.  Welcome it.  Don't fight it."  

And gradually the fear lifted a bit.  Not a lot, I'm still contemplating getting back into bed after I walk Lucy.  But then I thought about the ending of my play and I started writing and suddenly I was occupied and not thinking so much about the fear.


So the pain this morning led me to that.  I can't erase fear, or escape it, I just have to sit with it and let it lead me to where I am supposed to be led.

POSTSCRIPT:

I just did my daily readings and found this quote:


"Courage faces fear and thereby masters it."  Martin Luther King

Empowerment

Yesterday, after I left my lawyer's office and said goodbye, I was feeling shaky and sad.  I went to Central Park and sat on a bench and my friend Karen called and suggested that we meet.  

We went for a walk in the park.  She and her husband divorced a little over ten years ago, after a 25+ year marriage.  She said her divorce made her feel empowered and that the years since have been some of the best of her life.  We walked through the park for a long time and then sat on another bench.  Eventually, we ended up near Lincoln Center, having a light dinner and then walked over to Lincoln Center to listen to a band that was performing outdoors.  

It was an excellent night and I thought about these last two years and how challenging they've been.  I still care about my ex-husband, I'm not the kind of person who can flip a switch on and off.  I wish him well.  And I do feel empowered and different than the person I was a few years ago. 

I've learned so much about walking through fear, change and grief -- they weren't lessons I really wanted to learn, they were painful.  

But mostly I'm just grateful for a perfect summer night, in Central Park and Lincoln Center, with a really dear friend.

When meditation is all you can do

1. You're stressed out.
2. It's been a long day.
3. You would like to just buy a one-way ticket to somewhere like Bali and never return.
4. It's raining.
5. You have bug bites.
6. You want to stuff yourself with ice cream, but you know you can't.
7. You want to go shopping somewhere, but you know you can't.
8. You'd like to pick up someone, but you know...
9. You're thinking about a dance break, but it requires too much energy.
10. You're feeling lonely.
11. You wonder about the meaning of life?
12. You wonder why you're still wondering when you're so well beyond the halfway point of your life and shouldn't you know by now?
13. You're not in acceptance about what is.
14. Or what isn't.
15. I guess breathing is the way to go.  Sit and breathe.  
16. You're thinking you could probably come up with at least another 16 things, but why?
17. 20 seems like a good cut-off.
18. Uh-oh you may have to stop at 18.
19. You could call someone, but you can't think of who?
20. This living one day at a time sucks.  You know? 
21. The meaning of life is enjoying the passage of time.  There ain't nothing to it, any fool can do it. Really?
22. I'm on a roll.
23. I miss my daughter.
24. I'm onto the "I's" now, and that's not good.
25. My bug bites itch. Did I say that?

POST SCRIPT:  Rather than meditate, I decided to put on my Ipod and sing and dance, while cleaning out a couple of drawers.  It worked!  LSD, laugh, sing and dance, everyday! (Okay, I didn't quite laugh, but I did sing and dance.)  And I feel MUCH better.  

It's a new day

Finally, we have settled on a divorce agreement. The paperwork has been signed, at least I know for sure that I signed it last week, I'm sure by now my ex-husband (that's a new word for me) has signed it too.  

And now we can really move on with both our lives.  In fact, we have both moved on and we haven't spoken or seen each other in a long time.  E-mails were exchanged last week, after I found out through our lawyers that my mother-in-law had recently died.  

I wish us both new and interesting lives.  I hope our daughter will always know that she comes first for both of us and that we love her deeply.  My greatest wish is that we can find a way to be there for her, separately and also together, if she needs us to be.  

It is time to move on and enjoy my life, to stand on my own two feet and to have a life that is filled with friends, satisfying work, meaningful relationships, fun, and gratitude.  I hope to be able to be supportive of others who are in the midst of difficult life changes, including divorce, and to be of service in my life.  

I am so grateful, beyond words, to the friends who have helped me through these past two years. I don't know how I would have survived the loss of a long marriage, the death of my mother, my daughter moving so far away, the death of my beloved dog, no job, and having to move.  It was too much and yet, it was all taken care of. There were many tears and many days of not knowing what to do next, but somehow it all worked out.  Perfectly.

And somehow it always does.  

When I was leaving town last week, after signing the papers, I saw an Oprah magazine on a stand, with a headline that read, "Let Your Intuition Be Your Guide."  My intuition told me to buy it.  When I opened the magazine it was on a story about Jane Fonda.  She talked about how she had a nervous breakdown after the end of her second marriage, and when her third marriage ended, she had the realization that she really needed to stop marrying men and stand on her own, find out what she wanted in her life and not rush into another relationship.  Nine years later, nine fulfilling and interesting years of work and friends - at the age of 71, she found a man she loves and enjoys being her true self with.  I didn't marry in my twenties, so I had plenty of time before I got married to discover my "true" self, but after twenty-three years of marriage, I'm not sure who that true self is anymore.  It's time to give myself the chance to find that out again.  Who knows where that journey will lead?