Wednesday, January 6, 2010

I'm so tired of being alone


I think it's just winter.  Winter is a bitch.  Winter is a challenge.  I feel like I have a phantom limb, like something isn't quite right, and yet...

I realized last night as I was throwing out the garbage that there were so many things I didn't want to do when I was married and it had nothing to do with being lazy or just not liking doing them.  It was my passive aggressive way of getting back at my husband.  Now I actually enjoy all the chores that I avoided all those years.  It feels good not to walk around with all that underlying anger.  I feel lighter in some ways and sadder in others.  I even feel like cooking, which I haven't wanted to do in years.  I was at the gym this morning, watching Martha Stewart (I have no say over what channels are on the tv's) and she was cooking stir fried chicken and stir fried shrimp and I thought, "Okay, I want to cook that." 


Last night I also went with E to Friends In Deed.  She just lost her best friend to cancer and has had several years of the worst crises to deal with.  She said to me, "Can I just say my litany? Just list it all?"  And I said, "This is the place to do it."  

We listened to people's stories and I think she realized just how many people have had too much shit to deal with.  I had to leave a few minutes early, so I don't know if she did eventually share, but I hope she comes back.  FID was closed over the holidays, so it felt good to be in the room again.  As soon as we started to meditate, I could feel the tears welling up and then I felt fine again.  I think it's working.  

1 comment:

Bruce said...

Aloneness and sadness are also beautiful. I think that's where you ended up in your post but it made me think of Chogyam Trungpa's teachings on Natural Hierarchy and how sadness is such a powerful way of truly connecting with the world.