Well, so far this has been a very interesting week. Monday, my husband Steve and I told our 21 year-old daughter that we were separating. Today is Thursday and it appears that we are all absorbing it in our own ways. I can't speak for my husband and my daughter, but my experience has been feeling very much in the moment, sometimes emotional, sometimes scared and amazed at how much support is coming my way.
Yesterday morning, I had that "knot in your stomach" feeling and I thought to myself, "Oh, I know this feeling. It's not good, but it doesn't last forever."
And between the swine flu and the economic fears and not knowing what's going to happen in the future, I do occasionally feel like crawling into bed, but honestly, not that much.
Yesterday, I went to the gym and did the elliptical trainer and then Steve (why did he have to be named Steve?) worked with me. To my friends who love yoga - I will do my best to get back to it. I love it too. I did realize how much I hate doing sit-ups and the plank, and squats, but I do like the massage Steve gives me after the work-out. It's very gentle and relaxing.
After the gym, I went to visit my mother. For anyone who's never read this blog, my mother is a character. She's 95, lives in a nursing home, is not looking too good (she was a very attractive woman), and she continues to flirt with any man (no matter his age) and curse anyone who annoys her. Anyway, I told her about what was happening and she said, "Oh, that is so hard. I pity you. But if you're not happy, you need to do what you want." Or something like that. She also said, "I lost a really good man." Which is rather ironic given that she spent, literally, every moment of their fifty-two year marriage yelling at him.
Later on I ran into a friend and said something like "...Well, we're living parallel lives that don't ever seem to intersect anymore. And he's very isolated and I feel very lonely..." And she continued, "Yes! Us too! And we have completely different world views and he won't even consider going to therapy, not alone, or with me and right now he's out of town and I am thrilled! It's like all the negative energy left the apartment and I feel free!" And then she expressed her fear of leaving him, worried that she would become a bag lady. This woman is a very successful author who is about to embark on a book tour. I have to admit, I have that fear too. But I figure if all else fails, I'll become a nanny, since I love babies.
My mood got dark later in the afternoon and I was able to cry with another friend. I think the good news is, feeling the feelings really does help, despite the recent studies that say maybe it's over-rated. For me, it helps. And then one more friend - who's dealing with hot flashes and sadness, so we had the perimenopause conversation. I told her about my play "Scrambled Eggs" and we laughed a lot and by the end of the day I felt pretty happy.
Last night, I caught up with "American Idol" (I do like to watch the last few weeks) and "In Treatment" (Gabriel Byrne...are you really as empathetic as you seem? Nah, you're just a good actor.) I watched the episode with Mia again - Hope Davis is amazing. I have met the writer of Hope's storyline a few times, Jacqueline Reingold, and she is a fantastic writer. I also love Alison Pill.
Steve went out last night to visit his young Chilean friend Oscar and when I woke up around one a.m., he hadn't come home yet. I have to admit that freaked me out a bit. And I broke down and took a sleeping pill, so I wouldn't have to hear him when he came home. He arrived home ten minutes later and told me that he'd been with a group of Oscar's friends having a very intense discussion and all I will say about that is, when he woke up this morning at seven thirty, he looked like he had a pretty intense hangover and immediately went back to bed. We're all doing the best we can.
I just got out of the shower, did a few yoga stretches and had a few more thoughts to share.
One is that I don't actually love yoga - I have a love/hate relationship with it, as I do most physical activity. Love when I've done it, don't love every moment of doing it.
Two: I spent my day yesterday giving and receiving and it felt great. I spoke to my friend O who is dealing with her treatment for lymphoma and she is handling a very difficult time. She says that every day her friends call and check in on her and that she is also so grateful for their support.
And my final thought: I'm going to look at a studio apartment tomorrow and I realized that I love the idea of paring down to the basics. I don't need a lot of room - I need a room of my own.
My horoscope for today:
You and your friends and allies are working in perfect harmony today and any project you work on jointly should work out really well, especially if you're leading the way and keeping everyone informed.