Thursday, April 16, 2009

The color green

When I start to feel envy, I know I'm in trouble. I have never quite figured out a way to feel it and move on. But it's one of those lessons I'm working on.

Also being in the moment. I find that difficult too.

What else?

Sugar. I have a hard time resisting sweets. I can be pretty good for awhile, but then I discover something like a fake Ho-Ho at Bucheron Bakery in the AOL Time Warner Center and I dream about it. It looks like a Ho-Ho, rolled chocolate cake with whipped cream and a chocolate coating on the outside shaped in a log. I bought one about a month ago and shared it with Zoe and I haven't been back, but today I was downstairs at Whole Foods in the Time Warner Center and I thought about it. And now that I'm feeling envy, I really want that Ho-Ho.

Why is envy so tough? You're in high school and someone's dating the guy you have a crush on. You get older and someone gets a job you want, or a beautiful apartment, or goes on a wonderful adventure, or has a huge success, or their kid does really well. Compare and despair is a phrase I've heard. I rarely let myself go there, but right now I'm feeling it.

I have a number of interesting things going on in my life right now and I'm very excited about them. I just had a wonderful vacation in Spain. I also have a number of friends who are dealing with serious health issues. Where do I get off feeling envy?

And then there's the frenemy situation on Facebook...someone I'd like to delete from my list. But I've known her for a hundred years and I wish good things for her, I just don't want to see or hear about her. Do I press delete and get rid of the problem, or will I then wonder what is going on with her and have no way to spy. And honestly, I haven't gone out of my way to spy, but every once in awhile I see her update and it annoys me.

Ah, life is complicated. And I am shallow, superficial and small-minded. I pray for enlightenment. I pray for Pema Chodron to read my blog and tell me what to do.

Pema, are you out there?


anniemcq said...

Oh, Robin, the more you write, the more I love you. I too struggle with the green monster. Not as much as I used to, but it can still rear it's ugly head when I least expect it.

Maybe you should see if you could "friend" Pema on Facebook! ;)

Jennifer said...

Ah, Bucheron Bakery! I loved going there when I worked in Midtown! They're pricey, but everything they make is delicious. I spent many lunch hours walking around the Time Warner Center--that place makes you want to spend money, even if you don't have it.

Envy is tough, I experience it almost daily. I keep a gratitude list to remind myself of what I have, that way I'm spending less time worrying about what I don't have. I don't think you're shallow--you'd be shallow if you didn't recognize you were being envious!