Dancing in the light

I decided that I wanted to change the focus of this blog to something a bit more joyous...dancing.  I remain committed to meditation, but in the past six months I've found so much pleasure in dancing and I want to share that. 

We are having a wedding shower for a friend of ours tomorrow night and we're supposed to share something positive about love and marriage and quite honestly, at this point in my life, I couldn't think of a thing.  The one quote about the institution that came to my mind was Woody Allen's:  "Marriage is the death of hope."

Then I started to think about dancing and how it played a part in my relationship with my ex-husband.  When we first got together, we spent many happy evenings dancing in his living room in Venice, California.  I think if we had kept that up, even in the midst of all the dramas we were living through over the next 24 years, our lives might have been different. But unfortunately, we didn't... and now I am dancing with other partners and hopefully someday with a steady partner.  (Although I'll never give up dancing with other men too, it's fun!

I think dancing is one of the true pleasures of life.  It's something we do when we're really young (I'm stealing that idea from Nigel, one of the judges of my guilty pleasure, "So You Think You Can Dance.") 

Dancing in the light...that's the message I feel like sharing. Dancing for the pleasure of being in the body and feeling the music. 

Three years

The anniversary of my mom's death was Saturday, June 9th and somehow the sadness of that didn't hit me until this morning.  I woke up feeling very sad.

I opened the book "The Tools" where I'd left off and it talks about sadness...which is like having a black cloud over our head, which then blocks out all the sun.  That's how I was feeling.   The antidote, they say, to the black cloud is gratitude and also connecting to a source, a higher power, or whatever that means to each of us.

It helped me to read that, but I still felt blue, so I took myself to Friends In Deed at noon.  It turned out that the topic of the Big Group at noon is grief.  So I had a good cry and now I have to deal with Lucy, who's got so many health issues it's hard to know where to begin.

Ah, life.  I am so grateful!  I am grateful for summer coming!  I am grateful that I had a good night's sleep!  I am grateful for humor!  I am grateful for health!  I am grateful for dancing!

I can feel the black cloud opening up.  I really can.  Not fast enough, but it's opening.

The Tools

I recommend this book highly - "The Tools" by Phil Stutz and Bary Michels, two L.A. therapists who have developed a technique which is an "open secret" in Hollywood.  I think of it as The 12 Steps Meets Jung.  

One of the quotes in the front of the book is, "The things which hurt, instruct." Benjamin Franklin.  I couldn't agree more.  The best part of my journey these past three years (today is the third anniversary of my mother's death) has been the unbelievably powerful lessons I've learned.  I am stronger, more empathetic, more emotional, more alive, happier and more excited about life than I have been in a long time.  I'm also still scared, still dealing with the fear of the future, but if I've learned anything - it's that we are all stronger than we know.  I love this book and can't wait to get all the way through it, but I'm reading it slowly, it's one of those books I will underline and re-read.  

Perspective

I woke up early this morning and couldn't fall back to sleep.  Zoe, my daughter, is visiting until tomorrow night and it has been a pleasure to have her here.  I finally really understand how my own mother felt whenever I came to visit from Los Angeles for a few weeks and then left.  It's difficult to be so far away.

My dear friend Joe went through ten hours of surgery last Thursday at Sloan Kettering to save his leg and the surgery, though extremely difficult, went well.  I think he's going to be fine and hopefully he will be out of the pain he's been in since he underwent radiation for his cancer. 

I looked back on this blog to early June 2009, when I was in the thick of the horrible year of divorce and death and it reminded me to be grateful for where I am today.  Life is truly challenging.  Last night on "Mad Men" one of the characters committed suicide and the show is so well written, it was very sad and very moving.  I am grateful that there are some fantastic shows on television that have wonderful writing.  I am grateful that I went dancing on Saturday night at the JCC and had some fun.  I am grateful that I had a magical week in Paris, with Bella and her sister, Meret.  I am grateful that the producers of my play are going to look at a theater today and that they've started building a website.  I am extremely grateful for my loftmate, Abigail, and for the time I've had with my wonderful daughter, Zoe, and our beloved dog, Lucy. 

My week in Paris

My friend, Bella, and I went back to Paris together for the first time in over seven years.  We used to go occasionally and stay at her building on the Isle de la Cite, which she shares with her fraternal twin, Meret. 

We started going when our kids were young, in 1996.  And over the years, I've gone with Bella, my ex husband and with my daughter.  But for the last five or six years the building, which was built in the 16th Century was in such bad shape, that it needed a gut renovation.

It's hard to believe it's the same building.  I loved it before, but now it's incredibly beautiful.  I'll write more soon about it, but the whole week was so great for me - not as great for Bella, she was working so hard with trying to get things for the apartments and shopping, as well as taking things out of storage.  I tried to help too, but there was just too much to do. 

I am so grateful that I had a week in my favorite city.  Will write more soon and add some photos.  It was such a gift, I can't believe that I was so lucky.  (My purse was stolen while I was there, so it wasn't all perfect, but I still enjoyed the trip.)

Anxiety

This weekend, my daughter, Zoe, is coming to NYC to stay at the loft and take care of Lucy, while I go to Paris for a week.  I feel a bit anxious, since part of me wants to be here with Zoe and Lucy and the other part of me wants to go to Paris.  I'm going with my dear friend, Bella, and I know it will be lovely to get away.  I went from one job to another, from a court case, to a training, and then a new office, so one week in Europe in the spring sounds delightful. 

I need to breathe.  Zoe and Lucy will be fine and even though Lucy is so old now, she is doing pretty well.  Abigail is going away too, so Zoe gets to have the loft to herself, which I'm sure she will enjoy. And when I come back from Paris, I will have plenty of time to see Zoe.  She'll be here another nine days. 

After so many years of being a caregiver, it's hard to imagine taking a week to just wander around my favorite city, walking through beautiful parks, along the Seine, going to museums, eating good food, doing everything I love.  I don't have to worry about my mother anymore.  It's still hard to get used to the freedom. 

There have been no trips to Europe since that difficult one to Spain three years ago when my ex and I came back and separated.  That was, actually, a great trip.  I'll update from Paris and see if I can relax and enjoy myself.  Maybe I'll find some swing dancing! 

Gratitude

Today is my birthday and I just want to say how grateful I am for all the love and support I've received, especially over the last few years.  I don't know how I would have ever survived without my friends and family, especially my daughter. 

Birthdays used to throw me, but now I take them in stride.  It's life that sometimes throws me -- the really difficult challenges that I see happening to myself and others.  I don't know how we get through these trials, other than to ask for help.  I do see courage and strength in everyone -- and I've learned through meditation and Pema Chodron's writings, and my own therapy, to accept the feelings, no matter how dark they are, and sit with them.  I don't always succeed, but I do know that if I make a call, I generally feel better, sooner rather than later. 

So on this birthday I acknowledge the gift of friendships and love.  Yesterday I made a list of 100 things I was grateful for.  It's a good exercise -- try it!