Swimming through mud

Some days I wake up and I feel less than great.  Even though I went to a lovely surprise birthday party last night and enjoyed myself.  Even though the weather is so perfect it's just delightful. Even though several people last night reminded me of something that I needed to hear: my job is just what I do during the day - and I need to either take a class or do something during my week that gives me pleasure.  I've realized that I'm slightly addicted to performing, so I think I need to find something that allows me to have that rush, scary as it is.


I'm also waiting to hear back from a couple of people who I sent some writing to and that's always stressful.  But I understand they have busy lives and it will take them awhile to get back to me.  


So I sit with the feelings, the anxiety, the sadness and I know that the feelings will pass.  And I took an action this morning about finding a class and I will write to a good friend, Sally Fisher, about getting together for dinner soon.  She is an inspiration to me. 

And I will trust that today will be a good day, just as they always are in the end.  

I just did some readings, and one of the lines that jumped out at me from Steve Chandler's book "Reinventing Yourself" was:  

"The human system does not really want comfort, it wants challenge.  It wants adventure."


I love that!

Missing

I had a hard time getting out of bed this morning, which hasn't happened to me in a long time.  Today's a great day, too, I'm going to Unity and then we're going to march in the Gay Pride Parade, which couldn't have been planned for a better day.  Aside from the passage of marriage rights in New York State, it's also a beautiful day.  And Carlos Anderson will be speaking at Unity, which always makes me happy.  He speaks extemporaneously and it's thrilling to see him.  

As I was walking Lucy on this glorious morning, I started thinking about all the people I miss.  I thought about Zoe last night and how we always had so many great adventures together.  It's hard to even express how much I miss my daughter.  I miss old friends. In some cases they left me, in other cases, I left them.  The ones I left are really the ones I miss. It was absolutely the right thing to do, but it doesn't mean I don't miss them.  I miss Lola and I always will.  I think about her every day and I feel grateful for those wonderful nine years we had together.  I miss Mike Eigen, my old therapist, who I see on occasion, but no longer regularly.  And I miss our marriage and family therapist, Mildred Moskowitz, who we also saw regularly.  I've spoken to her on the phone a few times and I went to see her last summer.  She is a lovely person and quite a role model, well into her 80's and still working.en

I miss my mother and my father.  This summer is the second anniversary of my mother's death and my dad's been gone for 21 years.  I miss my family, my sister and her son's family, my cousins.  I haven't seen them in a long time.  

I miss having a partner.  I miss the man I married, not the one I'm divorcing.  

But most of all, I am grateful for being able to feel this sadness and to be in touch with the feelings.  For so many years I was shut down and out of touch. 


I read an article about Harrison Ford the other day and when asked what he felt was the most important things in life he said, "People. Work. And...learning."  I like that. 

Yay for NY!

We are watching history - the New York State legislature is voting on gay marriage tonight.  It looks like the bill will pass - I'm hoping that it will happen. This is thrilling - long overdue.  If it doesn't pass it will shocking.  

I guess I'll have to update this after the vote, but I'm feeling optimistic.

And I have to add, I am not a big believer in marriage these days - but everyone should have the same rights, it is a question of simple human rights to me.  I'm so proud of NY State.  

UPDATE!   IT PASSED!!!!! 

And just to add, I think no one should get married before they've lived together at least ten years.  If they still want to get married after that, great.  But it's not something to take lightly and it's definitely not easy to live with someone - no matter how much you love them.   And I think it's important to truly be honest and not try to be someone you're not, before you get married.  

It does seem to work well for many people, so I'm happy that in New York State - everyone has the right to marry.  And I'm proud to be a New Yorker.  We are an enlightened state. 

Letting go again

Interesting - when I typed the title for this post, I accidentally typed "Letting god..." instead of "Letting go..."  But honestly, I think it really should be letting god. This week has been a great exercise for me in trusting a higher something - some higher good - to show me what I need.


I started out the week feeling very overwhelmed at work, very frustrated about my life and very stuck.  But I made a decision to just go with all the feelings, the sadness and the anger and just see where it led me.  Monday, I emailed my neighbor, Louise, and asked her to read the Tarot cards for me (she's in Connecticut for the summer.)  She did a quick reading and reassured me that I need to sit tight.  I have to say, I'm not a huge believer in psychics or cards, but somehow Louise always seems to nail it for me.  


Then Tuesday, I went to a Big Group meeting at Friends In Deed and I saw a woman there who looked so familiar, but I couldn't place her.  She came over to me and said, "We know each other, don't we?"  But neither of us knew where we met until she told me her name, which is unusual, and then I realized we met at my first Mama Gena mastery.  I remember her because she was very resistant, and at one point Regena had her dance with Alex, the teacher who comes to dance with many of the women and she looked like someone who hadn't experienced any pleasure in years - until we saw her dancing.  It was a memorable moment.  


During the big group, someone shared that she was going through a really rough time - partner sick, having to spend the summer in Europe for medical treatment, knowing that she wouldn't have the support of Friends In Deed except by phone, not having any friends there, and in her frustration she said, "I feel...I feel...like...like....scrambled eggs."  I was sitting between two friends who had both seen the reading of my play (twice) and we all laughed. Cy, the group leader, said at one point, "Here at FID we believe that there are two really important things in life - one is living in the moment and the other is speaking your truth." 


Then Wednesday night I went out and ran into two more Mama Gena friends (Sister Goddesses) and that was a lovely surprise.  One of them had been to the reading and the other one said, "I can't wait to see the play and we want to support you in any way we can."  


Yesterday, I received an email from Steve Chandler, author of "Fearless" and "Reinventing Yourself" - and many other books - but those are the two I read and re-read continuously.  I had commented on a blog post he wrote about Jane Austen - he and a friend wrote a book about reading all of Austen's books.  I love Jane Austen too, so I commented - and I received an email from Steve saying he would love to send me the book!  I was thrilled.  His work has been enormously helpful and life-changing.


And then last night, I went to a goodbye/birthday party for my friend Barbara's brother, David, who is moving to L.A.  He and I share a special "badge" of loss - he went through a divorce, lost his mother, lost his job, had to move -- and though his divorce was easier in some ways, divorce is never really easy.  He just got hired to be the president of a company based in Los Angeles, so he's excited about his future.  I met some lovely people at the party - and came home to walk Lucy and as I was leaving the building, I ran into a neighbor and we chatted about Lola.  More sadness came up and I felt bereft about this amazing creature who lived with me for nine years and who I miss so much it's hard to even think about her without crying.  And then I walked by Savoy, a wonderful restaurant on my block which is closing (for renovation and reinvention) and saw Beth - the director of Mama Gena's School and I went inside to say hello.  She introduced me to her neighbor, who had taken this Mastery and she thanked me for all my hard work.  

Everyone hugged each other - including the owner of Savoy - and I went home feeling so grateful for all the people in my life, and all the new people I keep meeting, and for that strange higher power that leads me from despair to pleasure to sadness to hope to enlightenment -- and never abandons me. I feel especially grateful this week. 

June 9th

Two years ago, on June 9th, I received a phone call around 11 a.m. from the nurse practitioner who cared for my mother.  He told me that her biopsy report had finally come back (after a couple of weeks) and that my mother had bone cancer, which had spread to her stomach and probably all over her body.  That night she died. 

My mother was 96 years old at the time of her death.  I miss her and think of her almost every day, but I am grateful that she is out of pain, and no longer living a life that was so compromised by illness.  

I honored her memory yesterday by going to Cold Spring, New York, to be in nature, which she loved so much.  And to spend the day with two good friends, Barbara and Harvey, who were staying at their friends' home.  We went swimming in the pool (actually they went into the hot tub, I was the only one who ventured into the pool - which was a bit cold, but very refreshing.) 


It was a perfect day to remember my mother and to take care of myself, as she took care of me for so many years of my life.  


I miss you, Mom...more than I can say. 

Rumi quote

"There is one thing in this world you must never forget to do.  Human beings come into this world to do particular work.  That work is their purpose, and each is specific to the person. If you forget everything else and not this, there's nothing to worry about.  If you remember everything else and forget your true work, then you will have done nothing with your life."

Rumi

Friday Night Lights

I was supposed to go out tonight to do my volunteer work at Mama Gena's, but then I got an invitation to go to the country this weekend and I decided I needed a night to relax and get us - as in Lucy and myself - ready to go away.  

This entire week has been rainy and I don't do well with rain.  I'm so ready for a few beautiful spring days in the country.

This morning I read this daily reading in "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie and I liked it so much I wanted to include it in the blog.  

"Sadness

Ultimately, to grieve our losses means to surrender to our feelings.

So many of us have lost so much, have said so many good-byes, have been through so many changes.  We may want to hold back the tides of change, not because the change isn't good, but because we have had so much change, so much loss.

Sometimes, when we are in the midst of pain and grief, we become shortsighted, like members of a tribe described in the movie Out of Africa. 

'If you put them in prison,' one character said, describing this tribe, 'they die.'  

'Why?' asked another character.

'Because they can't grasp the idea that they'll be let out one day.  They think it's permanent, so they die.' 

Many of us have so much grief to get through.  Sometimes we begin to believe grief, or pain, is a permanent condition.  

The pain will stop.  Once felt and released, our feelings will bring us to a better place than where we started.  Feeling our feelings, instead of denying or minimizing them, is how we heal from our past and move forward to a better future.  Feeling our feelings is how we let go.  

It may hurt for a moment, but peace and acceptance are on the other side.  So is a new beginning.

God, help me to fully embrace and  finish my endings, so I may be ready for my new beginnings."  


I do feel like I've moved through a good year and a half of extreme grief.  I've been reading "Committed" by Elizabeth Gilbert, a book about marriage, and I was finding it rather boring, until the other night at 4 a.m. when I couldn't sleep and I got to the part about divorce and how truly painful an experience it is.  I always felt that it was the combination of things - the death of my mother, divorce, Zoe moving away, not having a job, not having a home, all of that that contributed to my feeling underwater for a good year - for spending so much time at Friends In Deed, just crying and sitting with other people who were dealing with serious life challenges.  I think that the divorce alone could have caused so much of the grief now, I have a new respect for everyone who's gone through it and allowed themselves to grieve instead of jumping right into a new relationship.  Although I did date in those early days and I'm glad I did, even though I spent most of the dates talking about the divorce, my ex, my mother, everything truly sexy.  

So now I'm more comfortable with being on my own and dating is not high on my list of desires right now.  It's on there and it's moving up, but it's not at the top of the list.

Tonight is "Friday Night Lights" one of my favorite shows on television.  I'm going to call a friend soon and hopefully talk for awhile, so that I'm not alone all night.  And then I'm going to throw together Lucy's and my belongings (including a pair of rainboots for me) - and get ready to enjoy nature.   

I'm also trying not to worry about the next reading of the play.  What good is worrying going to do?  As my friend Sally Fisher says, "If I thought my worrying was going to help anything - or change anything, I might do it.  But it never does, so why bother?"  

So instead I will acknowledge how grateful I am for my daughter, my life, my home, my friends, my loftmate, my job, my writing partner, my director, the wonderful actors, everyone who has been incredibly helpful getting the readings together, NY, Lucy, Lola's gentle passing, a spring that will be so incredibly green thanks to all the rain -- and life.  

And the spiritual connection I have inside - that is a huge gift.