Letting go again

Interesting - when I typed the title for this post, I accidentally typed "Letting god..." instead of "Letting go..."  But honestly, I think it really should be letting god. This week has been a great exercise for me in trusting a higher something - some higher good - to show me what I need.


I started out the week feeling very overwhelmed at work, very frustrated about my life and very stuck.  But I made a decision to just go with all the feelings, the sadness and the anger and just see where it led me.  Monday, I emailed my neighbor, Louise, and asked her to read the Tarot cards for me (she's in Connecticut for the summer.)  She did a quick reading and reassured me that I need to sit tight.  I have to say, I'm not a huge believer in psychics or cards, but somehow Louise always seems to nail it for me.  


Then Tuesday, I went to a Big Group meeting at Friends In Deed and I saw a woman there who looked so familiar, but I couldn't place her.  She came over to me and said, "We know each other, don't we?"  But neither of us knew where we met until she told me her name, which is unusual, and then I realized we met at my first Mama Gena mastery.  I remember her because she was very resistant, and at one point Regena had her dance with Alex, the teacher who comes to dance with many of the women and she looked like someone who hadn't experienced any pleasure in years - until we saw her dancing.  It was a memorable moment.  


During the big group, someone shared that she was going through a really rough time - partner sick, having to spend the summer in Europe for medical treatment, knowing that she wouldn't have the support of Friends In Deed except by phone, not having any friends there, and in her frustration she said, "I feel...I feel...like...like....scrambled eggs."  I was sitting between two friends who had both seen the reading of my play (twice) and we all laughed. Cy, the group leader, said at one point, "Here at FID we believe that there are two really important things in life - one is living in the moment and the other is speaking your truth." 


Then Wednesday night I went out and ran into two more Mama Gena friends (Sister Goddesses) and that was a lovely surprise.  One of them had been to the reading and the other one said, "I can't wait to see the play and we want to support you in any way we can."  


Yesterday, I received an email from Steve Chandler, author of "Fearless" and "Reinventing Yourself" - and many other books - but those are the two I read and re-read continuously.  I had commented on a blog post he wrote about Jane Austen - he and a friend wrote a book about reading all of Austen's books.  I love Jane Austen too, so I commented - and I received an email from Steve saying he would love to send me the book!  I was thrilled.  His work has been enormously helpful and life-changing.


And then last night, I went to a goodbye/birthday party for my friend Barbara's brother, David, who is moving to L.A.  He and I share a special "badge" of loss - he went through a divorce, lost his mother, lost his job, had to move -- and though his divorce was easier in some ways, divorce is never really easy.  He just got hired to be the president of a company based in Los Angeles, so he's excited about his future.  I met some lovely people at the party - and came home to walk Lucy and as I was leaving the building, I ran into a neighbor and we chatted about Lola.  More sadness came up and I felt bereft about this amazing creature who lived with me for nine years and who I miss so much it's hard to even think about her without crying.  And then I walked by Savoy, a wonderful restaurant on my block which is closing (for renovation and reinvention) and saw Beth - the director of Mama Gena's School and I went inside to say hello.  She introduced me to her neighbor, who had taken this Mastery and she thanked me for all my hard work.  

Everyone hugged each other - including the owner of Savoy - and I went home feeling so grateful for all the people in my life, and all the new people I keep meeting, and for that strange higher power that leads me from despair to pleasure to sadness to hope to enlightenment -- and never abandons me. I feel especially grateful this week. 

Taking care

The past five days have been spent in a beautiful house in Cold Spring, New York, relaxing, reading, taking long walks and feeling some painful feelings. I wish I could skip the grief, the fear, the letting go, the worry, all of that shit, but I can't. The only way out of it is through it, so they say.

It's hard after twenty-five years to overturn one's life and start over again. It's hard to let go of the structures, the routines, the good times, the fantasies and come to terms with what's real. I know that half of all marriages end this way, at least in this country, so it's not like I'm breaking new ground here. It's just new ground for me.

The support I've received from people who have been through this is amazing. It feels like anyone who knows what this is about is only more than happy to listen and offer advice and comfort. And I even heard from a friend the other day whose relationship just ended and I was able to help him as well.

I guess the message is that we are not in any of this alone, that there are people who help us through every day, and I am grateful for all the blessings in my life. Especially this past week, sitting the beauty of my surroundings and listening to the sound of the trees and the wind.

And - I've been watching "The Wire" with a friend and we've been mesmerized by the brilliant writing, acting and directing.

"Go where it's warm"

I heard that expression recently and it doesn't have anything to do with Miami, it has to do with friendships. I was talking to someone yesterday about the sadness we feel when friendships end abruptly or gradually fade away. Whether it was our decision to step back or the friend's decision, there is still a certain amount of pain involved.

Friends that you have during a particularly exciting and demanding time of your life, college, your 20's, the early years of being a mom, seem to be people you would always want to stay in touch with, to be close to, but sometimes that doesn't work out. Friends you have as a couple, who seem to be almost family members, disappear off your radar screen and one day you realize that you don't have much in common anymore. The reality of trying to maintain a friendship that's over is too much effort, or too painful, or simply not healthy. I guess in some ways it's like a marriage that isn't working. You may still love that person, you don't want to be hurt, or hurt them, but it's clear that it's time to move on.

With some people you might not be in touch all the time, but you know if you reach out to them they are there for you and you wouldn't hesitate to be there for them. But sometimes, when it feels like an obligation, or there's anger or resentment under the surface, it makes more sense to go where it's warm. Sometimes I feel that I'm the only person who experiences this, that there is something wrong with me that friendships I thought would last a lifetime end, but I know that isn't true. I am filled with gratitude for the friends who do care, who truly want to remain in my life.

A friend of mine, who's in her 80's, told me recently that she and her late husband had a situation many, many years ago that still bothers her. A couple used to invite her and her husband to dessert, after inviting other people to an entire evening, dinner and dessert. She and her husband went a few times and to this day, forty years or so later, she still wishes she had told that couple off. She also gave me this piece a few years ago, which I hung on my bulletin board.

"The Balcony of Your Life"

"Not everyone is healthy enough to have a front row seat in your life. There are some people who need to be loved from a distance.

It is amazing what you can accomplish when you get rid of, let go of, or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going-anywhere friendships and relationships. Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention! Do the relationships around you lift? Or do they lean? Which ones encourage? Which ones discourage? Which are on the path of uphill growth? Which ones are going downhill?

When you leave certain people, do you feel better or worse? Which ones always have drama? Or don't really understand, know, or appreciate you?

The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love, and the truth around you, the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row, and who should be moved to the balcony of your life!

Choose your audience carefully."