June 9th

Two years ago, on June 9th, I received a phone call around 11 a.m. from the nurse practitioner who cared for my mother.  He told me that her biopsy report had finally come back (after a couple of weeks) and that my mother had bone cancer, which had spread to her stomach and probably all over her body.  That night she died. 

My mother was 96 years old at the time of her death.  I miss her and think of her almost every day, but I am grateful that she is out of pain, and no longer living a life that was so compromised by illness.  

I honored her memory yesterday by going to Cold Spring, New York, to be in nature, which she loved so much.  And to spend the day with two good friends, Barbara and Harvey, who were staying at their friends' home.  We went swimming in the pool (actually they went into the hot tub, I was the only one who ventured into the pool - which was a bit cold, but very refreshing.) 


It was a perfect day to remember my mother and to take care of myself, as she took care of me for so many years of my life.  


I miss you, Mom...more than I can say. 

In addition...

... I forgot to mention a few things in the last post. First of all, I was up in Cold Spring, NY, for six days with a friend and it was the most wonderful vacation I've had in a long time. It rained, it was cold, but I feel so happy when I am in a beautiful setting, surrounded by nature and quiet, I didn't care about the weather or anything else. I am so grateful that I had that time to relax and just get away from life.

During that week, Ted Kennedy died. We didn't watch the funeral, but we did watch several shows about his life. I didn't know that he spent years going to read to a young woman every single week and that he tried to be like a dad to his nieces and nephews and a grandfather to their children. He made mistakes in his life, but he certainly accomplished a great deal and affected millions of people's lives in a very positive way. We will miss him.

And then the story about the young woman who was abducted eighteen years ago in California is pretty horrific. I haven't been keeping up with the news and last night I started to listen to the story on CNN, but I had to turn it off. Nothing worse than listening to terrible news right before you fall asleep.

Taking care

The past five days have been spent in a beautiful house in Cold Spring, New York, relaxing, reading, taking long walks and feeling some painful feelings. I wish I could skip the grief, the fear, the letting go, the worry, all of that shit, but I can't. The only way out of it is through it, so they say.

It's hard after twenty-five years to overturn one's life and start over again. It's hard to let go of the structures, the routines, the good times, the fantasies and come to terms with what's real. I know that half of all marriages end this way, at least in this country, so it's not like I'm breaking new ground here. It's just new ground for me.

The support I've received from people who have been through this is amazing. It feels like anyone who knows what this is about is only more than happy to listen and offer advice and comfort. And I even heard from a friend the other day whose relationship just ended and I was able to help him as well.

I guess the message is that we are not in any of this alone, that there are people who help us through every day, and I am grateful for all the blessings in my life. Especially this past week, sitting the beauty of my surroundings and listening to the sound of the trees and the wind.

And - I've been watching "The Wire" with a friend and we've been mesmerized by the brilliant writing, acting and directing.