Friday Night Lights

I was supposed to go out tonight to do my volunteer work at Mama Gena's, but then I got an invitation to go to the country this weekend and I decided I needed a night to relax and get us - as in Lucy and myself - ready to go away.  

This entire week has been rainy and I don't do well with rain.  I'm so ready for a few beautiful spring days in the country.

This morning I read this daily reading in "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie and I liked it so much I wanted to include it in the blog.  

"Sadness

Ultimately, to grieve our losses means to surrender to our feelings.

So many of us have lost so much, have said so many good-byes, have been through so many changes.  We may want to hold back the tides of change, not because the change isn't good, but because we have had so much change, so much loss.

Sometimes, when we are in the midst of pain and grief, we become shortsighted, like members of a tribe described in the movie Out of Africa. 

'If you put them in prison,' one character said, describing this tribe, 'they die.'  

'Why?' asked another character.

'Because they can't grasp the idea that they'll be let out one day.  They think it's permanent, so they die.' 

Many of us have so much grief to get through.  Sometimes we begin to believe grief, or pain, is a permanent condition.  

The pain will stop.  Once felt and released, our feelings will bring us to a better place than where we started.  Feeling our feelings, instead of denying or minimizing them, is how we heal from our past and move forward to a better future.  Feeling our feelings is how we let go.  

It may hurt for a moment, but peace and acceptance are on the other side.  So is a new beginning.

God, help me to fully embrace and  finish my endings, so I may be ready for my new beginnings."  


I do feel like I've moved through a good year and a half of extreme grief.  I've been reading "Committed" by Elizabeth Gilbert, a book about marriage, and I was finding it rather boring, until the other night at 4 a.m. when I couldn't sleep and I got to the part about divorce and how truly painful an experience it is.  I always felt that it was the combination of things - the death of my mother, divorce, Zoe moving away, not having a job, not having a home, all of that that contributed to my feeling underwater for a good year - for spending so much time at Friends In Deed, just crying and sitting with other people who were dealing with serious life challenges.  I think that the divorce alone could have caused so much of the grief now, I have a new respect for everyone who's gone through it and allowed themselves to grieve instead of jumping right into a new relationship.  Although I did date in those early days and I'm glad I did, even though I spent most of the dates talking about the divorce, my ex, my mother, everything truly sexy.  

So now I'm more comfortable with being on my own and dating is not high on my list of desires right now.  It's on there and it's moving up, but it's not at the top of the list.

Tonight is "Friday Night Lights" one of my favorite shows on television.  I'm going to call a friend soon and hopefully talk for awhile, so that I'm not alone all night.  And then I'm going to throw together Lucy's and my belongings (including a pair of rainboots for me) - and get ready to enjoy nature.   

I'm also trying not to worry about the next reading of the play.  What good is worrying going to do?  As my friend Sally Fisher says, "If I thought my worrying was going to help anything - or change anything, I might do it.  But it never does, so why bother?"  

So instead I will acknowledge how grateful I am for my daughter, my life, my home, my friends, my loftmate, my job, my writing partner, my director, the wonderful actors, everyone who has been incredibly helpful getting the readings together, NY, Lucy, Lola's gentle passing, a spring that will be so incredibly green thanks to all the rain -- and life.  

And the spiritual connection I have inside - that is a huge gift.  

It's in the doing

I was reading Steve Chandler's book "Fearless" this morning and the message was about doing. Not dreaming about doing, not planning to do, not thinking about doing, but just doing.  Whatever you can.  One small thing, one big thing, a few small things - just do.  

I'm still having days when I feel lost and sad, but they are fewer and farther between.  Mostly I am doing and I'm enjoying it.  Brene Brown's book, "The Gifts of Imperfection" is also great - because knowing that you can take risks and put yourself out there (despite whatever feelings come up) is the only way to live a "whole-hearted life." 

I spent last night mostly feeling sorry for myself and watched a "Friday Night Lights" marathon, but the writing was so good it inspired me -- and this morning I woke up, posted on Facebook that we are having a second reading of "Scrambled Eggs" on June 2nd - invited people to the reading, wrote to my co-writer, decided to sign up again for Match.com and this time actually go on some dates, and accepted how little control I have over the outcome of anything, all I can do is take actions.  Small actions, big actions - any kind of action counts.  And today, I'm going to see "Bridesmaids" because I could really use a good laugh! 

 

Going to Miami!

Tomorrow morning, at about 4:30 a.m. I will (hopefully) be heading to Newark to board a plane to Miami.  I'm going to a Mama Gena weekend again and I couldn't be more ready to have some FUN!!!  It's been quite a year, I remember last May when I was in Miami, I  received several emails from my lawyer.  Not a great way to relax on the beach.

And I can't seem to learn the lesson that the future generally seems to take care of itself, so it's best to stay in the present.   

I am grateful for this year, for all the tough lessons I learned...like bring friends with you to divorce court - it makes it much less stressful, hire a good attorney, and always show up for yourself. It was scary, it wasn't much fun, but I'm going to Miami with two hundred women from all over the world - of all ages - and we are going to have fun! 

Zoe was here

Zoe arrived six days ago.  We immediately went up to the fifth floor in our building to a seder at our friends, Barbara Glickstein and Ethan Ellenberg's loft.  It was a great seder - filled with young people.  The food was delicious, all vegetarian - the seder was serious but also fun, we sang and played instruments and had good talks about freedom and questions in the Haggadah about language.  And then the next night, we went to Barbara and Harvey Toback's for a nice seder dinner - with Marilyn's delicious brisket.  Everyone was impressed with Zoe's poise and maturity.

For the next few days, Zoe ran around and saw her friends while I worked and we grabbed time together when we could.  I got to see Zoe's oldest friend, Willa, which was great. She looks beautiful and it was a pleasure to catch up with her.  Zoe saw some great theater "Sleep No More" and a good movie "Hanna" and I got to see "The Normal Heart" yesterday, which was excellent and also to go to NYU to a wonderful panel discussion with Patrice O'Neill, the filmmaker who creates films about communities standing up to hatred and intolerance.  Her organization is called Not In Our Town and Patrice was at the seder.  

I loved having Zoe here and seeing how much she's changed and matured.  I miss her now that she's left, but I think I will have to get on a plane soon and visit her again in San Francisco.  Or meet her somewhere - maybe Austin, Texas would be fun!  Who knows? 

It was a great week, she's off to Spain to visit her dad in May.  I'm off to Miami to have a fun weekend with my Mama Gena crew, and we have another reading possibly coming up.  I am working on living a day at a time and enjoying every day. Today is 75 degrees and Lucy is here with me, Zoe's on her way to the airport, I'm happy that I had time with my daughter and although the world and the country are in a huge mess, right now I am savoring the good feelings.  I love how the Japanese cope with their disasters - with calm fortitude and resilience. I hate the politics in our country now, it's so divisive, but somehow we manage to get through all the challenges.  


I think everyone should read Pema Chodron's writings and maybe we would be less angry at each other and more tolerant. 

Two years

It's been exactly two years since we decided to separate and we have finally reached a settlement agreement.  

Just like in the book, "Crazy Time" which said that it would take approximately two years to move through all the feelings, the grief, the anger, the fear, relief, excitement, all of it - it finally feels like a huge chapter of my life is over and I'm well into the next one.  

And the next one feels abundant - Zoe is here this week, she's seeing friends and we are enjoying our time together, the reading, the fabulous cast, the interest in the play, work, next week I go to Miami with my Mama Gena friends, all my friends who came to the reading and have given me so much support, Abigail and Karen - who literally pulled the reading together - Barbara and Lenore, Bella's beautiful floral arrangement to a producer yesterday - it just continues every day.  I can't be more grateful for my life right now.  And even though we had to walk Lucy twice in the middle of the night because her diabetes incipitis is causing her distress, every day feels like an adventure and I love this new life.  And just like "Crazy Time" said, it takes time for most people (especially women) to get their bearings again and move on, I feel that I have and that I continue to each day.  Not every day is easy and I wouldn't want them to be.  I feel alive and awake.  And spring is finally here! 

The problems of the world, the economy, the country, ecological disasters, Haiti, Japan, the Congo, journalists dying in Afghanistan, the Tea Party, the budget, the national debt, bullying in schools, gay marriage, all of that remains and won't be getting better any time soon.  I wish we could make all of that go away, but we can't.  But as the Buddha said, suffering is everywhere, no one escapes it.  We all do the best we can.  These two years have been challenging personally, but now it's time to move on.  And it feels good, it feels hopeful.

So much fun! SE the reading

I just wanted to quickly write about the reading we had last Friday afternoon. It was so terrific!  The cast was amazing, the director did a fantastic job and the audience really laughed and enjoyed it.

I will write more soon but I just have to say what a relief it was that it went well, that this play is not for everyone, but for those who do like it, they really like it.  I have had so many great compliments and comments about it, that it is thrilling to feel that it spoke to so many people.  

The cast: Amy Van Nostrand, Michael Countryman, Annie O'Sullivan, Jim Frangione, Candace Brecker and Mary Catherine Wright.  The director is Matthew Penn.  

More to come.  We still hate the title though - so I'm open to finding a new one!

Shame

This coming Friday there will be another reading of Scrambled Eggs, this time in the heart of Manhattan.  We have over a hundred people coming, not as many producers as we hoped for, but a good crowd.  Am I scared? Yes.  Am I excited? Definitely.  Am I filled with shame about writing about my family, my past, many personal revelations which are partly true and partly fictionalized.  Yes. I am filled with shame and fear and part of me would like to leave for some island somewhere, where no one knows me and I can quietly sit on the beach with a good book and not even think about Friday's reading. The horrible thing about writing is that well, you have to show it to someone at some point. And they can judge you.  And they can hate it or love it and you have no control over that. Nor should you.  It's just the hard part.  You can write and write and keep it all safely in a drawer, but then where would the fun be in hiding it?  This feels a bit like the guy who strung the tightrope across the World Trade Center and walked across without a net.  Okay, maybe not quite that scary, but still scary.  I'm so grateful for the wonderful actors who have to get up on the stage and perform, but I guess they can always think, "Hey, I didn't write this crap, I'm just performing it." And the writers can think, "Oh, they are awful!  I didn't write it like that - I should perform this myself."  I have seen this play performed many times now and I can honestly say, generally it's been fun and the audiences have enjoyed it.  The key seems to have a critical mass which allows people to really laugh.  The smaller the audience, the less freedom to really let loose.  

Anyway, today I was at the gym on the treadmill and I watched the episode of Sex and the City in which Kim Catrall's character, Samantha, gets cancer.  And suddenly the feeling of "no control" -  we are powerless - overwhelmed me.  So I came home and now I'm reading "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown, which is the perfect book to read to help me deal with shame.  Living a "whole-hearted life" requires taking chances, taking leaps of faith.  But maybe I can do that in Mexico, off a rock or something, and skip the reading?