No whining today

Since I frequently use these posts as a way of releasing some of my anxiety, I want to share that I had a really great day yesterday. I've been going to a training workshop at The Actors' Insitute every Tuesday afternoon from 3-6 pm. They have a program for people who are becoming trainers in public speaking, group dynamics, etc. It started as a workshop for actors and then expanded into all kinds of professions. Many of the trainers are actors and directors, but not all of them. Some have no performance experience, but so far most of the ones I've met have worked in theater.

Anyway, yesterday I suspected that I would have to be a guinea pig for one of the coaches in training and I was nervous. I wanted to bring in something written by someone else (like Chris Durang) but the friend who brought me into TAI suggested I use my own writing. I brought in the first five minutes of my monologue and I was praying I wouldn't be called on...and of course, I was.

I love that some of the things we are nervous about are often the things we get the most pleasure out of accomplishing. It was exciting and fun and scary -- and I learned about communicating with the audience in a way I had never experienced before. And I've got a lot more to learn.

Hot sexy fear

Okay, it's really just fear, but my friend and fellow blogger Sybil told me today that if you add the word "sexy" to a blog post you have more chance of it being read by a greater number of people. And "hot sexy" should really pump up the readership.

Fear..."an unpleasant emotion caused by the nearness of danger or unexpected pain." Public speaking is very high on the list of things people fear. I can think of many things that are much worse, but actually performing in public has always been one of my fears. So why am I doing this? I don't know really. There seems to be something inside me that wants to perform. I love getting laughs. Maybe it comes from a sick place, the part of me that always tried to get my mother to laugh. But I also love it. As Sybil said when she performed recently and got the loudest, most unbelievable laugh, it was truly one of the greatest feelings she's ever had. And I guess it's why performers, comedians, anyone who risks public humiliation take that chance. For that feeling.

"Acting is making a fool of yourself." James Gandolfini

"I would hate not to be scared of doing something...not taking a risk." Alicia Keyes

I found those two quotes recently and I keep remembering them. So I make a fool of myself. Big deal. At least I'm not running for Vice President.

The fear comes and goes. Sometimes I feel perfectly fine, but then I remember that I have actually invited people to come to the show and some of them might actually appear and that scares me. Last time we did the show we were just reading our scripts, this time we have to memorize them. I have often had a nightmare that I stand up in front of an audience and I can't remember a single word (and I'm naked.)

So anyway, it helps to write about it. I was taking a bath just now and I thought, I'll write something about the fear and maybe it will dissipate. It has, a little. But probably at five a.m. it will return. It isn't bad enough that the world is in economic freefall and we have a very close election coming up and if McCain wins I will probably have to go on some kind of drug?

Why? Why me? Why now? Why laughs? Why can't I be satisfied with a nice walk in the park and a good book? Any time you try something risky, you're going to be afraid. And the only way to get over the fear is to go through it.

I hate that.

The Next Performance

Well, it looks like there will be another performance coming up in the fall. Matt just contacted us about our Level 3 workshop, which requires us to produce probably three nights of performances, with Matt as our director and us (Jake, Shawn, Karen and me) as the producers. We are all women, despite the names and we may have a woman singer as well. Fortunately, everyone has had some experience with production and I think (I know) we will be able to pull it all together. The hard part for me is that now we have to memorize our monologues and I have that horrible fear of getting on the stage and forgetting every line. I've had numerous dreams about that happening to me over the years and Chris Durang wrote a very funny play about that called "The Actor's Nightmare" which I better not re-read.

So - I will be making another kind of debut of sorts (no script) in a small-ish theater on 37th Street sometime in October or early November. And that is very exciting! And I hope I can lose at least ten pounds and find contact lenses that are comfortable before then. It's fun to have something exciting to focus on, especially since this election is really getting to me.