It's been one year since my mother's death, actually tomorrow, June 9th is the anniversary.
I think I can truthfully say that this has been the hardest year of my life, but like giving birth, we do forget the pain. Other years have been tough, but this one may have been the most challenging. All I know is I'm still here, Lucy and Lola, my beloved beagles, are still with me, Zoe is doing well in San Francisco, and I feel like I have cried more and felt more this year than I ever have before. I am filled with gratitude for everyone who kept me going this year and there were many, too many to name. My loftmate, Abigail, deserves a Medal of Honor for taking me in and allowing me to share her space and her life. Living in New York City during this difficult time has been incredibly healing. The energy of the city keeps me from feeling despair and loneliness, although when I do feel sad, I have learned to embrace it, as Pema Chodron suggests.
I haven't been writing as much on the blog as I might have, but I have been writing every day on what I hope will be a book. I like sharing the readings that have helped me during this time and I know have been helpful to some of you who read the blog. This one I read this morning, on the theme of fun, was something that resonated, since the idea of fun was challenging to me during my marriage.
This is from "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie, June 8th's reading:
Have fun, with life, with the day.
Life is not drudgery; that is an old belief. Let go of it. We are on an adventure, a journey. Events will come to pass that we cannot now fathom.
Replace heaviness and weariness of spirit with joy. Surround yourself with people and things that bring lightness of spirit.
Become sensitive to lightness of spirit.
The journey can be an exciting adventure. Let yourself enjoy it.
Today, I will have some fun with life, with recovery, with people, and with my day."