I don't know what to say about where I am other than back from a weekend in Miami, working at a Mama Gena mastery, which was amazing, as always. I swam in the ocean and danced and had a wonderful, although challenging, weekend with over a hundred women on an incredible journey of self-discovery, sisterhood and empowerment. When I returned, I started reading "The Wisdom of a Broken Heart."
It's cold and rainy in New York today and I am struggling to get out of bed and start my day. Last night I ran into a neighbor who went through a divorce five years ago. He said the first couple of years were horrible and now he's doing really quite well. "The Wisdom of a Broken Heart" talks about the difference between sadness and depression. I'm sad that ending this marriage is so painful and I wish it could be resolved more easily without the drama and the sadness.
The book quotes another Buddhist writer, Chogyam Trungpa, who wrote:
"This experience of sadness and tender heart is what gives birth to fearlessness. Conventionally, being fearless means that you are not afraid or that if someone hits you, you will hit him back....(But) real fearlessness is the product of tenderness. It comes from letting the world tickle your heart, your raw and beautiful heart. You are willing to open up, without resistance or shyness, and face the world.....If a person does not feel alone and sad, he cannot be a (spiritual) warrior at all..."
I like this book. I'm grateful for the feelings. This year has been the hardest year of my life and also the best. I'm not afraid to feel. I accept where I am, even when I have trouble getting out of bed. I wouldn't say I am fearless, but I am getting more at home with all the feelings that I have. This past Mother's Day was the first one in my life without my mother. It was good to be in Miami, with my women friends, swimming in the ocean. My mother would have approved.
Well, actually she might not have, but that's one of the perks of her no longer being alive. I can do whatever I want on Mother's Day or any other day.
One of the highlights of Miami was having the chance to break a wooden board with my fist. I was afraid I couldn't do it, but I faced my fears and broke it into three parts. It was fantastic!