A brick in your pocket

I haven't written in a long time, I know.  I've been busy working on a book and on a new ending for the play.  

This weekend I went to a dance performance and a dance last night, this morning I volunteered for a few hours at the Mastery at Friends In Deed, then I ran out to go to a dance workshop with the incredible Ryan Francois, a dancer and choreographer who's in town from England. And then I ran back to Friends In Deed for a couple of hours.  

Every time there's a Mastery weekend, there always seems to be a theme that emerges.  Often it's caregiving.  This time it is grief. I missed last night when everyone tells their stories, but I've gathered that a lot of people have lost their partners or parents.  They are in the throes of the sadness, although a few of them talked about feeling shut down emotionally.

Robert Levithan often talks about a scene in the play "Rabbit Hole" when discussing grief.  A young son ran into the street and was killed by a car.  The mother is talking to her mother, who lost her son about ten years earlier.  She asks her mother how she survived such a devastating loss and the mother says, "At first it feels like you are carrying an enormous boulder on your back.  But after time, it starts to feel less heavy and eventually it feels like you are carrying a brick in your pocket.  It's almost comforting."  

It's so powerful to be in that room with people who are in the early period of loss.  I remember that time, it was November 2009 when I took the Mastery and I was in terrible shape, having lost my mother, my marriage, my daughter moving away, my job and then later on, my beloved dog, Lola.  It did feel like I had a boulder on my back, but now I would say it's just a small rock in my pocket.  In fact, I'm thinking of looking for an actual rock to remind myself of how far I've come.    

These are the two teachers from the dance workshop that I took today.  This is how I would like to dance someday.  

Spring is in the air

The trial is over.  It was an excellent and difficult learning experience.  When the case finally came to the jury to deliberate, it was a gender war in the jury room.  I have never experienced so much emotion and yelling (well, maybe with my parents...)  Anyway, we found for the plaintiff, who had been a Playboy playmate and was treated with excess force by a police officer.  At least that's what 5 out of 6 of us on the jury agreed to.

I'm happy that it's over and I'm very glad I did it.  It was fascinating to be in a courtroom and to experience being a member of a jury.  February, usually my least favorite month, went by very quickly for me.

There have been horrible tornadoes in the midwest, the Republicans are ridiculous, Rush Limbaugh remains a jerk, life goes on.  I'm grateful that spring is coming in just a couple of weeks.  And now I'm taking dance classes twice a week. I wish I didn't get so dizzy when we practice the turns, but I still love it. 

Three weeks and counting

One of the reasons I haven't written in awhile is that I have been on jury duty for the past three weeks.  We started on January 31st, in the same courthouse I went to numerous times for my divorce...that alone was challenging.  We sat in a room for four days, thirty of us, waiting for the lawyers to decide on the members of the jury.  It's a civil case and they needed only 6 jurors and 2 alternates.  I've heard that the case is pretty much decided by the make-up of the jury.

We listened to the evidence for two weeks and just started deliberating this past Friday afternoon.  All I can say is all hell broke loose in the jury room.  And that's all I can say.

This has been a very intense and fascinating experience AND I'm so ready to be finished.

An update will come when it's all over.  All I can say is thank God I have swing dancing.  I live for my classes and workshops.  It's given me so much pleasure and so much fun.  I'm thinking about learning the tango next! 

 

Teddy Roosevelt

 This is one of my favorite quotes.  It was sent to me by Steve Chandler, in one of his email blasts and I had to share it:

"It is not the critic who counts, nor the man who points how the strong man
stumbled or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.  The credit
belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust
and sweat and blood who strives valiantly ... who knows the great enthusiasms,
the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at best, knows
the triumph of high achievement; and who, at worst if he fails, at least fails
while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid
souls who know neither victory nor defeat."

                                                ~ Teddy Roosevelt

15 Minutes

At the beginning of this year I was gifted two incredible sessions with a career coach, Rich Litvin.  This came out of my connection to Steve Chandler, whose work I have often quoted in this blog.

Rich is one of Steve's associates and he is very smart and insightful (not to mention very handsome.  I checked him out on Facebook.)

We had two long conversations to map out a simple plan for what I want to do this year and one of them is to write for a minimum of 15 minutes a day.  It doesn't always have to be the writing project I'm working on, but it does have to be some kind of writing.  And if I miss a day once in awhile, it's okay - it's just a commitment to do my best.

Last night, Lucy was sick and I had to walk her in the middle of the night, so I couldn't get up very early this morning, which is usually when I like to do my creative writing.  I just came from Judson Memorial Church, where Abigail, my loftmate, gave a lovely sermon, so I thought I would write about that.

Abigail started with a story about her sister, Nancy, who works as a minister, at a maximum security prison for men in North Carolina.  Recently, one of the inmates she really likes came into her office to make a phone call to his sick mother.  Just as Nancy was dialing the phone, the inmate decided it was a good time to unzip his fly and show her his private parts.  Nancy told Abigail later that day that she felt worn out, sick and tired of trying to be a minister, of trying to do good - she was angry and fed up.  She said she felt like the story in the Bible about God and Jeremiah.  I guess Jeremiah was a big whiner to God and God also whined back to him, telling him he was fed up with being God-like (or something like that.)   Abigail spoke about the hardships of life, the challenges.  When we're young it feels like these are difficult challenges to overcome, but when we're older sometimes they are about acceptance. (I think I threw that idea in.)  She mentioned a phrase I particularly love "stronger in the broken places" and also Martin Luther King's quote, which is something like "Over the course of history, the arc of life (or time) bends towards justice."  (I will ask Abigail for the exact quote.)

Judson Memorial has been in that location for something 150 years and the congregation, though small, feels like a real community.  It has always been a place of social justice and liberal political action.  At one point in the service, people get up and share about losses and ask for prayers through difficult times.  It reminds me of all the gratitude for the communities I have in my life.  Judson has been Abigail's lifeline and I enjoy visiting it, especially when she speaks and also when they have flash mobs.  Today, one young woman asked for prayers for her grandfather.  She said it was hard for her mother to be losing her father and she felt so sorry for her mom.   I felt my eyes fill up with tears -- this is such a gift to me -- to feel empathy now, when for so many years I was emotionally closed down, locked up, afraid of feelings because there was just too much to deal with.  Thanks to Friends In Deed in particular, and having safe places to share my feelings and feel held and supported, it's become a great joy to feel alive.


I also realized that after being in therapy for years, I have stopped going to see my therapist.  This began when I started dancing.  I still stay in touch with Mike now and then with an email, I totally value his input in my life, but mostly I'm dancing and living my life.  And writing - 15 minutes or so a day.  I feel joy from dancing, it's truly changing my life. 


Another thing Rich said to me, for this coming year:  "Do what you love."

Becoming happier

I got an email today from a friend who wrote:  "I'm glad to read that you are becoming happier, and (I) miss the more frequent blogs posts from the past."  I guess it's true that for a long time, I wrote about the day to day "suffering" and how I was getting through it and now that I truly am happier, I don't have as much to write (whine) about.  I tried not to whine, but sometimes I think I just had to. 


Anyway, I am happier and I credit dancing.  We watched the Japanese film, "Shall We Dance" the other night and I loved it.  I'd seen it when it first came out and I loved it then too.  I related to the Japanese accountant who was feeling little joy in his life despite having everything he always wanted - a good marriage, a daughter, a wonderful home - but he discovered dancing and became obsessed with it.  Last night, I went to a dance at the JCC (Jewish Community Center) and had a ball.  I was talking to a woman who told me she started dancing when she lost her husband and it helped so much with the grief, she now wishes she could dance all the time.  She's been studying for five years and was very good!  I look forward to every Thursday night and if there's a dance, or a special one night class, I take it and I've learned so much in just two and a half months, I can't believe it. 


The interesting news my friend told me in his email is that recently he'd met a woman he really likes.  Years ago we both talked about going on Match.com and how frustrating it is.  Turns out he didn't have to -- he was fixed up by a co-worker, the woman's daughter!  I guess that just shows you, you never know what life has in store and you might as well enjoy each day and do what you love and make the best of your life as it is.  I am so happy for him, I really hope that the relationship continues - he sounds so excited.  Yay!  Becoming happier...it's a lovely thing.  I'm grateful that for today, despite the fact that it's freezing out, and there's still so much to be sad about in the world - I can appreciate all the blessings in my life. 
 

"Getting hooked"

Yesterday, just as I was getting on the subway, I glanced at my iPhone and saw an email from Abigail, my loftmate, which said "Certified letter."  There was no body to the email just the subject, because my phone didn't have any signal.  I sat on the subway for ten minutes wondering what the letter could be about.

I came home and read the letter (it really doesn't matter what it was about - let's just say it wasn't great and it had to do with money, always something that is upsetting.)  I read it, then took my eye pads (I'll have to share the story about going to the eye doctor to get contact lenses and as a method of increasing moisture, taking a pair of socks, filling them with rice, heating them, and putting them over my eyes every day...but that's another story) and I rested.

I decided, since I couldn't read with the eye pads over my eyes, to listen to a download of a Pema Chodron talk.  I found it on my computer and the talk began where I had left off six months ago:  enlightenment.  She said that no one she had ever heard of had ever really reached "enlightenment" - that is a place where they felt completely at peace with the world.  She said even the most enlightened teachers still have moments when they get angry, or get 'hooked" by something, but that the more we practice meditation and have tools, we find that so many of the things in life that used to drive us crazy, no longer have that power.

That is what I felt about that certified letter.  I didn't feel nothing, I just felt "okay, well, this is something to deal with."  This is such a huge shift for me.  I admit that I used to be and can still occasionally be a bit of a drama queen, but now I have tools and I know that I can always make a call to a good friend (which is what I did earlier in the day yesterday when I was having trouble with a real estate deal) or go for a walk, or listen to a tape, or go to the gym, or do yoga, or get a neck massage (I did that Thursday).  Dancing is also a great way for me to let go of everything that has hooked me during the day.

I wonder if the Buddha ever did swing dancing?