I watched "Smile at Fear" a talk Pema Chodron gave last night and thought I'd post it here. It's worth watching.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Envy again
I wish that envy never appeared in my life. Right now, one of the most talented, kindest and most supportive people I know, is having all the success I have dreamt of. No one deserves it more, no one has been more generous, not just to me. but to hundreds of writers and performers. If any writer should be given sainthood, he should. And still, I feel envious.
Life is simply difficult. The glass is both half full and half empty.
Last night, I took Lucy out for a walk and I ran into the young woman who manages the hotel across the street. She mentioned that her parents had been visiting NY and that it was probably the last time they would be able to do so. She told me that her mother, who is only 51, is going to be paralyzed, because of a tumor that's growing in her neck. This young woman just turned 30. She is too young to be dealing with such heartbreak. I wished there was something I could do to help. I know the only thing I can do is listen whenever we run into each other, if she feels like talking. I wish there were something more I could do, but her parents live in South Africa. I told her about Friends In Deed.
I am embarrassed that I feel envy about my writing, when life is filled with so many tragedies and challenges. I know that Pema Chodron would say, "You're human. Humans feel anger, envy, jealousy, rage, every single emotion. Feel them."
I guess right now I feel mostly sad, for my friend and for her family and for everyone in the world who is suffering. This is not an easy time for most people. But I am happy for my writing friend - and I am grateful for my life, for Zoe and Abigail, my dear friends, and for Lucy is who now pacing in front of me, ready to go out for her next walk.
Life is simply difficult. The glass is both half full and half empty.
Last night, I took Lucy out for a walk and I ran into the young woman who manages the hotel across the street. She mentioned that her parents had been visiting NY and that it was probably the last time they would be able to do so. She told me that her mother, who is only 51, is going to be paralyzed, because of a tumor that's growing in her neck. This young woman just turned 30. She is too young to be dealing with such heartbreak. I wished there was something I could do to help. I know the only thing I can do is listen whenever we run into each other, if she feels like talking. I wish there were something more I could do, but her parents live in South Africa. I told her about Friends In Deed.
I am embarrassed that I feel envy about my writing, when life is filled with so many tragedies and challenges. I know that Pema Chodron would say, "You're human. Humans feel anger, envy, jealousy, rage, every single emotion. Feel them."
I guess right now I feel mostly sad, for my friend and for her family and for everyone in the world who is suffering. This is not an easy time for most people. But I am happy for my writing friend - and I am grateful for my life, for Zoe and Abigail, my dear friends, and for Lucy is who now pacing in front of me, ready to go out for her next walk.
Monday, August 8, 2011
No more procrastinating
I've been in touch with Steve Chandler, the business coach who wrote two books I love - "Reinventing Yourself" and "Fearless." He sent me a couple of his books and CD's. I decided to start reading "Time Warrior" which, I believe, is his latest book. The introduction talks about not putting things off for later, but simply doing them as they come along. So I sent off my latest pages of the play, which I have re-written, to my writing partner and I will try to take care of everything as it comes along today and see how it goes.
I did hear a great story about Pema Chodron yesterday. A friend of mine is up in Nova Scotia, where a thousand people have come together to meditate. Pema was speaking to them yesterday and someone's cell phone went off right in the middle of her talk. The cell phone played a tune and she started dancing to it.
Good lessons for life.
I did hear a great story about Pema Chodron yesterday. A friend of mine is up in Nova Scotia, where a thousand people have come together to meditate. Pema was speaking to them yesterday and someone's cell phone went off right in the middle of her talk. The cell phone played a tune and she started dancing to it.
Good lessons for life.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Pema is always right
This morning I woke up with a headache and with fear. I read that The S & P lowered the U.S.'s rating and I immediately went deeper into fear.
Fear has a way of expanding in record time. One minute you feel a little sad, a little headache-y and the next minute, you're thinking, "Life completely sucks, I just want to go to bed and never get up."
So I did my mediation this morning and eventually I heard Pema Chodron's voice say, "Sit with the fear. Welcome it. Don't fight it."
And gradually the fear lifted a bit. Not a lot, I'm still contemplating getting back into bed after I walk Lucy. But then I thought about the ending of my play and I started writing and suddenly I was occupied and not thinking so much about the fear.
So the pain this morning led me to that. I can't erase fear, or escape it, I just have to sit with it and let it lead me to where I am supposed to be led.
POSTSCRIPT:
I just did my daily readings and found this quote:
"Courage faces fear and thereby masters it." Martin Luther King
Fear has a way of expanding in record time. One minute you feel a little sad, a little headache-y and the next minute, you're thinking, "Life completely sucks, I just want to go to bed and never get up."
So I did my mediation this morning and eventually I heard Pema Chodron's voice say, "Sit with the fear. Welcome it. Don't fight it."
And gradually the fear lifted a bit. Not a lot, I'm still contemplating getting back into bed after I walk Lucy. But then I thought about the ending of my play and I started writing and suddenly I was occupied and not thinking so much about the fear.
So the pain this morning led me to that. I can't erase fear, or escape it, I just have to sit with it and let it lead me to where I am supposed to be led.
POSTSCRIPT:
I just did my daily readings and found this quote:
"Courage faces fear and thereby masters it." Martin Luther King
Friday, August 5, 2011
Empowerment
Yesterday, after I left my lawyer's office and said goodbye, I was feeling shaky and sad. I went to Central Park and sat on a bench and my friend Karen called and suggested that we meet.
We went for a walk in the park. She and her husband divorced a little over ten years ago, after a 25+ year marriage. She said her divorce made her feel empowered and that the years since have been some of the best of her life. We walked through the park for a long time and then sat on another bench. Eventually, we ended up near Lincoln Center, having a light dinner and then walked over to Lincoln Center to listen to a band that was performing outdoors.
It was an excellent night and I thought about these last two years and how challenging they've been. I still care about my ex-husband, I'm not the kind of person who can flip a switch on and off. I wish him well. And I do feel empowered and different than the person I was a few years ago.
I've learned so much about walking through fear, change and grief -- they weren't lessons I really wanted to learn, they were painful.
But mostly I'm just grateful for a perfect summer night, in Central Park and Lincoln Center, with a really dear friend.
We went for a walk in the park. She and her husband divorced a little over ten years ago, after a 25+ year marriage. She said her divorce made her feel empowered and that the years since have been some of the best of her life. We walked through the park for a long time and then sat on another bench. Eventually, we ended up near Lincoln Center, having a light dinner and then walked over to Lincoln Center to listen to a band that was performing outdoors.
It was an excellent night and I thought about these last two years and how challenging they've been. I still care about my ex-husband, I'm not the kind of person who can flip a switch on and off. I wish him well. And I do feel empowered and different than the person I was a few years ago.
I've learned so much about walking through fear, change and grief -- they weren't lessons I really wanted to learn, they were painful.
But mostly I'm just grateful for a perfect summer night, in Central Park and Lincoln Center, with a really dear friend.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
When meditation is all you can do
1. You're stressed out.
2. It's been a long day.
3. You would like to just buy a one-way ticket to somewhere like Bali and never return.
4. It's raining.
5. You have bug bites.
6. You want to stuff yourself with ice cream, but you know you can't.
7. You want to go shopping somewhere, but you know you can't.
8. You'd like to pick up someone, but you know...
9. You're thinking about a dance break, but it requires too much energy.
10. You're feeling lonely.
11. You wonder about the meaning of life?
12. You wonder why you're still wondering when you're so well beyond the halfway point of your life and shouldn't you know by now?
13. You're not in acceptance about what is.
14. Or what isn't.
15. I guess breathing is the way to go. Sit and breathe.
16. You're thinking you could probably come up with at least another 16 things, but why?
17. 20 seems like a good cut-off.
18. Uh-oh you may have to stop at 18.
19. You could call someone, but you can't think of who?
20. This living one day at a time sucks. You know?
21. The meaning of life is enjoying the passage of time. There ain't nothing to it, any fool can do it. Really?
22. I'm on a roll.
23. I miss my daughter.
24. I'm onto the "I's" now, and that's not good.
25. My bug bites itch. Did I say that?
POST SCRIPT: Rather than meditate, I decided to put on my Ipod and sing and dance, while cleaning out a couple of drawers. It worked! LSD, laugh, sing and dance, everyday! (Okay, I didn't quite laugh, but I did sing and dance.) And I feel MUCH better.
2. It's been a long day.
3. You would like to just buy a one-way ticket to somewhere like Bali and never return.
4. It's raining.
5. You have bug bites.
6. You want to stuff yourself with ice cream, but you know you can't.
7. You want to go shopping somewhere, but you know you can't.
8. You'd like to pick up someone, but you know...
9. You're thinking about a dance break, but it requires too much energy.
10. You're feeling lonely.
11. You wonder about the meaning of life?
12. You wonder why you're still wondering when you're so well beyond the halfway point of your life and shouldn't you know by now?
13. You're not in acceptance about what is.
14. Or what isn't.
15. I guess breathing is the way to go. Sit and breathe.
16. You're thinking you could probably come up with at least another 16 things, but why?
17. 20 seems like a good cut-off.
18. Uh-oh you may have to stop at 18.
19. You could call someone, but you can't think of who?
20. This living one day at a time sucks. You know?
21. The meaning of life is enjoying the passage of time. There ain't nothing to it, any fool can do it. Really?
22. I'm on a roll.
23. I miss my daughter.
24. I'm onto the "I's" now, and that's not good.
25. My bug bites itch. Did I say that?
POST SCRIPT: Rather than meditate, I decided to put on my Ipod and sing and dance, while cleaning out a couple of drawers. It worked! LSD, laugh, sing and dance, everyday! (Okay, I didn't quite laugh, but I did sing and dance.) And I feel MUCH better.
Monday, August 1, 2011
It's a new day
Finally, we have settled on a divorce agreement. The paperwork has been signed, at least I know for sure that I signed it last week, I'm sure by now my ex-husband (that's a new word for me) has signed it too.
And now we can really move on with both our lives. In fact, we have both moved on and we haven't spoken or seen each other in a long time. E-mails were exchanged last week, after I found out through our lawyers that my mother-in-law had recently died.
I wish us both new and interesting lives. I hope our daughter will always know that she comes first for both of us and that we love her deeply. My greatest wish is that we can find a way to be there for her, separately and also together, if she needs us to be.
It is time to move on and enjoy my life, to stand on my own two feet and to have a life that is filled with friends, satisfying work, meaningful relationships, fun, and gratitude. I hope to be able to be supportive of others who are in the midst of difficult life changes, including divorce, and to be of service in my life.
I am so grateful, beyond words, to the friends who have helped me through these past two years. I don't know how I would have survived the loss of a long marriage, the death of my mother, my daughter moving so far away, the death of my beloved dog, no job, and having to move. It was too much and yet, it was all taken care of. There were many tears and many days of not knowing what to do next, but somehow it all worked out. Perfectly.
And somehow it always does.
When I was leaving town last week, after signing the papers, I saw an Oprah magazine on a stand, with a headline that read, "Let Your Intuition Be Your Guide." My intuition told me to buy it. When I opened the magazine it was on a story about Jane Fonda. She talked about how she had a nervous breakdown after the end of her second marriage, and when her third marriage ended, she had the realization that she really needed to stop marrying men and stand on her own, find out what she wanted in her life and not rush into another relationship. Nine years later, nine fulfilling and interesting years of work and friends - at the age of 71, she found a man she loves and enjoys being her true self with. I didn't marry in my twenties, so I had plenty of time before I got married to discover my "true" self, but after twenty-three years of marriage, I'm not sure who that true self is anymore. It's time to give myself the chance to find that out again. Who knows where that journey will lead?
And now we can really move on with both our lives. In fact, we have both moved on and we haven't spoken or seen each other in a long time. E-mails were exchanged last week, after I found out through our lawyers that my mother-in-law had recently died.
I wish us both new and interesting lives. I hope our daughter will always know that she comes first for both of us and that we love her deeply. My greatest wish is that we can find a way to be there for her, separately and also together, if she needs us to be.
It is time to move on and enjoy my life, to stand on my own two feet and to have a life that is filled with friends, satisfying work, meaningful relationships, fun, and gratitude. I hope to be able to be supportive of others who are in the midst of difficult life changes, including divorce, and to be of service in my life.
I am so grateful, beyond words, to the friends who have helped me through these past two years. I don't know how I would have survived the loss of a long marriage, the death of my mother, my daughter moving so far away, the death of my beloved dog, no job, and having to move. It was too much and yet, it was all taken care of. There were many tears and many days of not knowing what to do next, but somehow it all worked out. Perfectly.
And somehow it always does.
When I was leaving town last week, after signing the papers, I saw an Oprah magazine on a stand, with a headline that read, "Let Your Intuition Be Your Guide." My intuition told me to buy it. When I opened the magazine it was on a story about Jane Fonda. She talked about how she had a nervous breakdown after the end of her second marriage, and when her third marriage ended, she had the realization that she really needed to stop marrying men and stand on her own, find out what she wanted in her life and not rush into another relationship. Nine years later, nine fulfilling and interesting years of work and friends - at the age of 71, she found a man she loves and enjoys being her true self with. I didn't marry in my twenties, so I had plenty of time before I got married to discover my "true" self, but after twenty-three years of marriage, I'm not sure who that true self is anymore. It's time to give myself the chance to find that out again. Who knows where that journey will lead?
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