My week in Paris

My friend, Bella, and I went back to Paris together for the first time in over seven years.  We used to go occasionally and stay at her building on the Isle de la Cite, which she shares with her fraternal twin, Meret. 

We started going when our kids were young, in 1996.  And over the years, I've gone with Bella, my ex husband and with my daughter.  But for the last five or six years the building, which was built in the 16th Century was in such bad shape, that it needed a gut renovation.

It's hard to believe it's the same building.  I loved it before, but now it's incredibly beautiful.  I'll write more soon about it, but the whole week was so great for me - not as great for Bella, she was working so hard with trying to get things for the apartments and shopping, as well as taking things out of storage.  I tried to help too, but there was just too much to do. 

I am so grateful that I had a week in my favorite city.  Will write more soon and add some photos.  It was such a gift, I can't believe that I was so lucky.  (My purse was stolen while I was there, so it wasn't all perfect, but I still enjoyed the trip.)

Anxiety

This weekend, my daughter, Zoe, is coming to NYC to stay at the loft and take care of Lucy, while I go to Paris for a week.  I feel a bit anxious, since part of me wants to be here with Zoe and Lucy and the other part of me wants to go to Paris.  I'm going with my dear friend, Bella, and I know it will be lovely to get away.  I went from one job to another, from a court case, to a training, and then a new office, so one week in Europe in the spring sounds delightful. 

I need to breathe.  Zoe and Lucy will be fine and even though Lucy is so old now, she is doing pretty well.  Abigail is going away too, so Zoe gets to have the loft to herself, which I'm sure she will enjoy. And when I come back from Paris, I will have plenty of time to see Zoe.  She'll be here another nine days. 

After so many years of being a caregiver, it's hard to imagine taking a week to just wander around my favorite city, walking through beautiful parks, along the Seine, going to museums, eating good food, doing everything I love.  I don't have to worry about my mother anymore.  It's still hard to get used to the freedom. 

There have been no trips to Europe since that difficult one to Spain three years ago when my ex and I came back and separated.  That was, actually, a great trip.  I'll update from Paris and see if I can relax and enjoy myself.  Maybe I'll find some swing dancing! 

Gratitude

Today is my birthday and I just want to say how grateful I am for all the love and support I've received, especially over the last few years.  I don't know how I would have ever survived without my friends and family, especially my daughter. 

Birthdays used to throw me, but now I take them in stride.  It's life that sometimes throws me -- the really difficult challenges that I see happening to myself and others.  I don't know how we get through these trials, other than to ask for help.  I do see courage and strength in everyone -- and I've learned through meditation and Pema Chodron's writings, and my own therapy, to accept the feelings, no matter how dark they are, and sit with them.  I don't always succeed, but I do know that if I make a call, I generally feel better, sooner rather than later. 

So on this birthday I acknowledge the gift of friendships and love.  Yesterday I made a list of 100 things I was grateful for.  It's a good exercise -- try it!