Maybe because it's February, one of the most depressing months of the year (for me and probably everyone in the northern hemisphere) - and I'm still "piecing together a new life for myself" - I'm feeling a bit blue tonight.
It's okay, just as I wrote those words, the thought came into my mind: "Fine, great! Feel it. Don't fight it." And maybe just writing a little will also help, just to get out what the thoughts are. I made a few calls to talk to friends and no one - not one person - was around to talk. Of course, I didn't try too many, so here I am writing to whoever reads this. It's interesting that I find out people I didn't expect are reading this blog and it's gratifying to know this isn't just mental masturbation.
This is about a journey. It was for a very long time, a journey that involved a husband, a wife, a daughter and two dogs. And now it's just me and the two dogs and my daughter, whenever I can grab a quick conversation or a few texts. It's lonely sometimes, and sad, and a bit scary. I don't know what's coming in the future, but then no one knows. It's just that some people know who they are doing what they don't know what will be with. And even then, it's iffy. We can all get hit by a bus unexpectedly and die. Cheerful, aren't I?
There is that great feeling of "we can handle whatever comes because we're in this together." I miss that feeling. And - I'm also relieved that I'm not living in a relationship that was on life support, that wasn't growing or deepening, but just stagnating. My friend J said this quote about Jung:
Yet unless any one of us negotiates our own sense of inflation and alienation (according to Jung, the first basic steps)...we cannot move to the places the Eckhardt Tolle talks of....we remain in ego inflation or ego alienation. Only the next step is the one toward individuation...and it doesn't happen without suffering. Jung's quote is "any step for the Self (the inner wisdom) is a defeat for the ego"...
Suffering as growth. Suffering as inner wisdom. I think it's pretty annoying. Metaphysical growing pains. I think that's what it means. This has been a painful week - both physically (I fell down the other night, tripped over a sneaker, broke a glass of water, cut my finger and landed on my knee) and emotionally painful, issues with my sister; I love her but cannot seem to find a peaceful way to co-exist or communicate.
I'm grateful for so much in my life, even that it's February, because in four weeks spring will be here and the days will be longer, and the flowers will bloom and the leaves will come out on the trees, and life will at least look, on the outside, so much more beautiful.