Gratitude - performing, writing

Last night I felt, for the first time, that I really loved standing in front of an audience and that as scary as it was, the pleasure factor, the ability to make people laugh and tell a story was so much fun that I actually enjoyed myself. I ACTUALLY ENJOYED MYSELF.

I have to repeat that because tomorrow, a few hours before I have to get up there and do it again, I will be thinking about leaving the country and wondering why I put myself through this really scary shit.

Several people came over to me afterward and told me how I had either captured their families, or were dealing with parents who are sick, or kids or whatever. And the laughs were there - although I know it always depends on each audience and that I just have to work with whatever is happening each night. So I have tonight off and I will rehearse. Zoe's here, going through her things and I will help her this afternoon.

I figured out the ending for "Scrambled Eggs." I also think maybe it should just be "Eggs." But I can't wait to sit down next week after all of this crazy stuff is over and start a re-write.

For today, I am grateful for all the good that is happening in my life and even though there's plenty to worry about, and feel sad about, there's also a lot to be excited about. I guess that's life.

Stayin' alive

I think that one of the greatest gifts of being a human being is having other human beings in your life to give you love and support. (And to also give love and support to them as well.)

I just spoke to one of my dearest friends - Charley - I've known him for almost thirty years. Is that even possible? We met in an acting class and became scene partners. I think he is one of the most talented people I know, he's funny and a great writer and musician and actor and I love him. He's a dear friend and even though we haven't seen each other in a few years, I always think of him and his family and I miss them. They live outside of Portland.

He told me a great story about Lily Tomlin and her one woman show. I really needed to hear this story. On the night he went to see her on Broadway, she suddenly started to cough and couldn't stop. She had to get water and she was miked and it was really awkward, but she kept the audience involved and after those few moments of difficulty, the audience was even more with her and she recovered and continued the show.

I was telling him how nervous I am about performing again and just hearing that story about Lily Tomlin and remembering that everyone gets nervous - even comic geniuses - and that you don't have to do it perfectly. That coughing or dry mouth (which is what happened to me) and feeling your heart pounding out of your chest, or having your hands shake, or your knees shake, or whatever is shaking, is perfectly acceptable because we are human beings.

Update from the arctic

Okay, it's not the arctic, but if you've read this blog you know I have a tendency to exaggerate. (And make many typos.) This morning, when I took the dogs out to the park for a walk it was about 15 degrees but felt like -2 (according to weather.com.) We just have to get through today (high 25 degrees) and tomorrow will practically balmy. (35 degrees.)

Anyway, I wanted to give an update on my two friends L and O. L went to Gilda's Club yesterday after a harrowing weekend of feeling terrible from chemo. She finally decided it was time to go back to get support. Years ago, the first time she was diagnosed with cancer, she'd been a member of a group there and loved it. But she hadn't been ready to go back until yesterday. After spending a few hours, talking to people, she said felt much better and will be joining a group that meets weekly.

And my friend O had laproscopic surgery yesterday and no cancer was found!

So - that's very good news.

Steve is in Spain and his photography show has been postponed from March to September. I'm going to meet him there in a few weeks and that will be my first trip to Spain!

Today I'm going to a performance workshop and I may have to get up and do the first few minutes of my monologue. I'll let you know how it goes. I have so much performance anxiety and this workshop teaches people how to cope with that and also how to better communicate with the audience. Scary.

I'm back

I've been absent for awhile... busy learning my lines, rehearsing, having mild bouts of fear and anxiety - and also praying that Obama wins the election and that the Dems win many seats in the House and the Senate. I do feel that we're in good shape and that's keeping my spirits up.

I'm also pretty sure I've got my lines memorized fairly well and that even if I get scared when I get up on stage, I'll be able to tell the story. The rehearsals have been really fun. Matt, our director, had me perform my piece the other day so fast - and that was actually exciting to do it so fast. And it felt good to know most of the lines. I'm conflicted because I enjoy improvising, but I've also worked hard on the writing and often it's better to do it as written. One friend of mine, who performs with a partner, says they have no script, but I think they've done their show so many times that it probably adheres to a fairly strict narrative, even while they shift things around each time.

I continue to be grateful for people like Jon Stewart and Bill Maher for keeping me sane. And I have to see "Religulous" which I hear is quite good.

I read another good quote: "It takes a lot of courage to make a fool of yourself." Charlie Chaplin.

I have courage. I don't know how much talent I have, but I do have courage. I mean, why else would I consider getting up in front of a room full of people and talking about my nutty family, when I could be home watching Grey's Anatomy? And then do it again three more nights in a row?

I will eat the fantastic chocolate cake at the Market Cafe on Sunday night after the run to celebrate Karen's birthday. I can't wait! And if Obama wins, I'll go back and eat it again.

I saw the name of a show the other day about the election: "The End of an Error." Amen. I know it's not going to be easy if Obama gets elected, this country and the world is in a big mess, but I honestly feel that we will be moving from the darkness to the light. George Bush, Cheney, all of those guys need to go gently into the night. Or jail.