I'm so lonely

I should put on Linda Ronstadt like I used to, in my 20's, and really wallow in how lonely I am these days. And actually, I'm no where near as lonely as I was back then, but it is a little strange after living with two other people most of the last 20 or so years, to be alone in a large loft with just my two dogs. We have some good conversations, but they never want to go to a movie or see a play.

Basically, my new life is starting, but not as quickly as I would like. I'd like to be back in Manhattan - by tonight - all unpacked and settled. I'd like to be really dating, not just going for coffees or talking on the phone. I'd like to find a good way to make money, because money is necessary and I like it. And if I had more, I could go to the theater, travel and do things that I really do enjoy, with friends or by myself.

I think it's true that no matter how lonely you are when you're alone, it can be less lonely than living with people.

I think I need to talk to myself more. "Robin, what would you like for dinner?" "Leftover eggplant parmiagiana." "Sounds good. Let's heat it up." "Great." "Dessert?" "Cookies?" "Perfect."

I'm in season two of "The Wire" although I fell asleep during the second episode last night. I guess what I would love is more like an episode of "The Twilight Zone" -- I would fall asleep watching the second season of "The Wire" and wake up a year later watching season six (did it run for six seasons?) ...in a great apartment in Manhattan, with a new man in my life, madly in love, involved in some fantastic money making venture, Zoe is happy and thriving in San Francisco and I'm still thin. And a great new health plan has been passed, that has mandatory coverage for every American.

I think I'll meditate on all of that. But first I have to walk the dogs.

Alone

Well, I have to say, after so many years, almost twenty-four, that was spent as a wife and the mother of Zoe (of course I'll always be Zoe's mother), it is very strange to be living on my own again. I was writing about it this morning and I wrote "alone" and then a few moments later I wrote "free."

I feel both alone and free. I am free of the constant worry about my own mother now and the stress of being responsible for her care. Zoe is living in San Francisco, in a lovely apartment with roommates (who are both away this month) and she will be looking for a job. It's all very strange and this morning I was reading in one of my daily readers about walking through the sadness. I wish there was a detour I could take, a way of avoiding the feelings, but there really isn't.

It's a challenging time. I've seen four movies in the past three days, they are great distractions - "Taking Woodstock" - at a Writers Guild screening with my friend Lisa. James Schamus, who wrote the screenplay, spoke after the film. Yesterday I saw "Funny People" which was too long for my bladder to handle, but I thought it was good. And then today I watched "I've Loved You So Long" with Kristen Scott Thomas, which was one of the grimmest films I've seen in a long time and"The Tall Guy" with Jeff Goldblum and Emma Thompson - thanks to my friend Annie who recommended it. It was written by Richard Curtis, one of his early films, and there are some very funny scenes in it (especially a sex scene.) In the next week or so I will be on a marathon of "The Wire" which everyone says is the best thing to ever have been on television. This is my way of handling pain, I guess.

And then there are Lucy and Lola, my dogs. I am so grateful that they keep me company and take long walks. They both seem to be falling apart a bit physically, but then I am too.

Thanks to Pema Chodron and my meditation practice (such as it is), I am feeling the feelings and "leaning into the pain." And I have to say that it isn't pleasant. But I was thinking about other friends who have gone through this and they've all moved on and are doing relatively well. I spoke to one friend tonight and she just started having hot flashes, so I'm grateful to be past that. I don't know what is happening in the world, but every time I watch the news I see these morons talking about health care and attacking Obama's plans with ridiculous concerns like killing old people, fueled by conservative organizations, so I am sticking to movies. And "The Wire." And I guess I should see Julie and Julia, since people seem to like it. And who doesn't like French food? That's a good diversion. And the weather is glorious - it's a beautiful summer night. Life isn't all that bad.

I also was reminded that so often several things happen at once - the loss of a parent, the end of a relationship, job loss, whatever. It just seems to occur that way.