Nightmares

Yesterday was a difficult day.  I was walking up Broadway in the 70's and I heard bagpipes.  It brought me back to that period after 9/11 where there were constant funerals and you frequently heard bagpipes.  The ceremony was at Engine House #25 on the upper west side.  I saw all the firemen (I didn't see any women at this firehouse) wearing their dress uniforms.  It was very moving. 

The whole day seemed very sad and I still can't believe ten years have passed.

At night, I got a text message from my neighbor, Barbara, that there were seats available at a screening of the Bill Cunningham NY film at the Crosby Street Hotel, so I ran over to see it (again) and afterward the filmmakers discussed the making of the film.  That was a good diversion from the day.  Bill Cunningham has never seen this wonderful film about him.

I woke up this morning around 4:45 am from a nightmare about my dog, Lucy, dying.  She's 16 and she's definitely starting to look her age.  My father was in the dream, he and I were in the vet's office and I had to leave the room.  He came to tell me that Lucy had died.  

Since our dreams are supposed to be about ourselves...was it a part of me that died?  I'm not sure.  

My other neighbors, Louise and Charley, lost one of their beloved dogs two weeks ago.  His name was Truman and he was a very sweet dog and only 4 years old.  

I'm learning how to sit with the feelings and this week I feel some dread about life and work.  But I also know that I need to stay in this one day and not worry about the future.  

And right now, Lucy is sleeping nearby, and I am so grateful that she is still in my life.  On 9/11, when we went out to pick up our daughter, Zoe, from school in the midst of that nightmare, we didn't know if we would ever see Lucy again.  Ten years later, almost everything in my life has changed, but Lucy is still here with me.  I love her so much, we've been through a lot together, including losing Lola.  I think I'll go give her a big hug and a kiss.  And then I'll take her out for her walk. The sun is shining, it's going to be a good day.