I'm not sure what I think of this Mastery experience yet, except that the meals have been excellent. Nothing like being fed every meal when you're in a crisis. The volunteers cook amazing meals - last night Shepard's Pie, a big salad, fresh cole slaw. This morning's breakfast was excellent oatmeal, bacon, fruit salad, yogurt, lunch was flank steak, roasted potatoes, roasted broccoli (best broccoli I've ever tasted), another big salad, fresh bread, and gingerbread cake with butter cream icing. Tomorrow they say the breakfast is going to be fantastic, some kind of egg dish that's baked with cheese and sausage, and another egg dish for vegetarians.
The Mastery started in the 80's when the participants all were AIDS patients or HIV Positive, now it's for anyone who wants to attend. Like Friends in Deed big groups, most people are either dealing with illness, caregiving or grief. Each mastery seems to have its own theme, loss is always one theme - this group seems to have a lot of caregivers. It's a very intimate experience and I have to say it's left me a bit raw emotionally tonight. I'm feeling sad and lonely, but I know that it will pass. And I am looking forward to going back tomorrow.
I wish that sitting with the feelings wasn't as uncomfortable as it is, but I know that for years when I was so involved in caregiving, I never really had the luxury of feeling all the emotions, because I felt I might not be able to cope with caregiving and falling apart. Now all I have to do is take care of myself and let myself feel the feelings. And if I feel like falling apart, I can. And then I guess I can put myself back together again too.
I hope that in a year from now, I can look back at this time with sympathy and compassion for myself. I miss Zoe so much and I know this isn't easy for her either. Her life has changed quite radically too. I wish I could hug her now. I guess I'll go hug Lucy and Lola and let myself have a good cry.