It's a new day

Finally, we have settled on a divorce agreement. The paperwork has been signed, at least I know for sure that I signed it last week, I'm sure by now my ex-husband (that's a new word for me) has signed it too.  

And now we can really move on with both our lives.  In fact, we have both moved on and we haven't spoken or seen each other in a long time.  E-mails were exchanged last week, after I found out through our lawyers that my mother-in-law had recently died.  

I wish us both new and interesting lives.  I hope our daughter will always know that she comes first for both of us and that we love her deeply.  My greatest wish is that we can find a way to be there for her, separately and also together, if she needs us to be.  

It is time to move on and enjoy my life, to stand on my own two feet and to have a life that is filled with friends, satisfying work, meaningful relationships, fun, and gratitude.  I hope to be able to be supportive of others who are in the midst of difficult life changes, including divorce, and to be of service in my life.  

I am so grateful, beyond words, to the friends who have helped me through these past two years. I don't know how I would have survived the loss of a long marriage, the death of my mother, my daughter moving so far away, the death of my beloved dog, no job, and having to move.  It was too much and yet, it was all taken care of. There were many tears and many days of not knowing what to do next, but somehow it all worked out.  Perfectly.

And somehow it always does.  

When I was leaving town last week, after signing the papers, I saw an Oprah magazine on a stand, with a headline that read, "Let Your Intuition Be Your Guide."  My intuition told me to buy it.  When I opened the magazine it was on a story about Jane Fonda.  She talked about how she had a nervous breakdown after the end of her second marriage, and when her third marriage ended, she had the realization that she really needed to stop marrying men and stand on her own, find out what she wanted in her life and not rush into another relationship.  Nine years later, nine fulfilling and interesting years of work and friends - at the age of 71, she found a man she loves and enjoys being her true self with.  I didn't marry in my twenties, so I had plenty of time before I got married to discover my "true" self, but after twenty-three years of marriage, I'm not sure who that true self is anymore.  It's time to give myself the chance to find that out again.  Who knows where that journey will lead? 

Weekend at Robin's

It wasn't exactly fun. It was rather difficult and as a friend of mine said yesterday, who has been through similiar rough times: "There's no way to get through it except to go through it."

Saturday night was the worst. I finally emailed my brilliant therapist, Michael Eigen and he wrote me this:

"You are feeling what you need to feel.

Nothing lasts forever.

Meanwhile, you are being asked to continue growing, perhaps in ways you can't fathom or imagine.

You are not done meeting yourself or meeting others.

Now, one small step after another, or for a time, no step at all."

That helped. Also, he encouraged me to feel my anger. That it was entirely appropriate. I think that when I feel very sad, it's often repressed anger.

And then on Sunday, after running into a friend at Unity, I decided to go to the Mama Gena graduation for the latest mastery class. It was just what I needed. It lifted me up, reminded me to look for my pleasure every day, to know that I am not alone, that I am part of an amazing sisterhood of women everywhere, and to dance.

And my thoughts are with the citizens of Iran, who are going through such a difficult period in their history. And Iraq, and everywhere, there is so much suffering.