Falling Upward

I have been reading a new book called "Falling Upward" by Richard Rohr and essentially it's about, as the book jacket describes:

"In the first half of life, we are naturally and rightly preoccupied with establishing our identity -- climbing, achieving, and performing. But those concerns will not serve us as we grow older and begin to embark on a further journey. One that involves challenges, mistakes, loss of control, broader horizons, and necessary suffering that actually shocks us out of our prior comfort zone. Eventually, we need to see ourselves in a different and more life-giving way. This message of "falling down" -- that is in fact moving upward -- is the most resisted and counterintuitive of messages in the world's religions, including and most especially Christianity."

If I've experienced anything in the past three years, it has been this. Reading the book affirms so much of what I've been learning. And though it may sound bad in some ways, actually it is good! It actually is great. The years of pain and sadness have given way to wanting to share in the deeper truths that I have been learning. This morning, in a chapter called "A Bright Sadness" from the book, I read this:

At this stage, I no longer have to prove that I or my group is the best, that my ethnicity is superior, that my religion is the only one God loves, or that my role and place in society deserve superior treatment. I am not preoccupied with collecting more goods and services, quite simply, my desire and effort -- every day -- is to pay back, to give back to the world a bit of what I have received. I now realize that I have been gratuitously given to -- from the universe, from society, and from God. I try now, as Elizabeth Seton said, 'to live simply so that others can simply live.'"

This is a big shift in my consciousness because for so many years I craved "specialness" and recognition. And I wanted stuff. I bought "stuff" and though it brought me very little satisfaction or joy, I still wanted it. (This is not to say that I would turn down any presents that anyone wants to give me. Ever.) But "stuff" isn't a priority. I love being curious about life now. I love the life I'm living and much of the thanks go to all the spiritual teachers I've encountered along the way. It started with Mike Eigen (a therapist who writes a lot about spirituality) and continued with Pema Chodron, who I believe saved my life, and Eckhart Tolle, and Regena Thomashauer, and Friends In Deed, and then my dance teachers and too many others to name. I'm not quite sure where it's all leading, but it definitely feels like a move upward - and outward. It feels that it is about paying back and giving to the world a bit of what I've received.

One night at a time

Maybe because it's February, one of the most depressing months of the year (for me and probably everyone in the northern hemisphere) - and I'm still "piecing together a new life for myself" - I'm feeling a bit blue tonight.

It's okay, just as I wrote those words, the thought came into my mind: "Fine, great!  Feel it.  Don't fight it."  And maybe just writing a little will also help, just to get out what the thoughts are.  I made a few calls to talk to friends and no one - not one person - was around to talk.  Of course, I didn't try too many, so here I am writing to whoever reads this.  It's interesting that I find out people I didn't expect are reading this blog and it's gratifying to know this isn't just mental masturbation.  

This is about a journey. It was for a very long time, a journey that involved a husband, a wife, a daughter and two dogs.  And now it's just me and the two dogs and my daughter, whenever I can grab a quick conversation or a few texts.  It's lonely sometimes, and sad, and a bit scary.  I don't know what's coming in the future, but then no one knows.  It's just that some people know who they are doing what they don't know what will be with.  And even then, it's iffy.  We can all get hit by a bus unexpectedly and die.  Cheerful, aren't I?

There is that great feeling of "we can handle whatever comes because we're in this together."  I miss that feeling.  And - I'm also relieved that I'm not living in a relationship that was on life support, that wasn't growing or deepening, but just stagnating.  My friend J said this quote about Jung: 

Yet unless any one of us negotiates our own sense of inflation and alienation (according to Jung, the first basic steps)...we cannot move to the places the Eckhardt Tolle talks of....we remain in ego inflation or ego alienation. Only the next step is the one toward individuation...and it doesn't happen without suffering. Jung's quote is "any step for the Self (the inner wisdom) is a defeat for the ego"...

Suffering as growth.  Suffering as inner wisdom.  I think it's pretty annoying.  Metaphysical growing pains.  I think that's what it means. This has been a painful week - both physically (I fell down the other night, tripped over a sneaker, broke a glass of water, cut my finger and landed on my knee) and emotionally painful, issues with my sister; I love her but cannot seem to find a peaceful way to co-exist or communicate. 


I'm grateful for so much in my life, even that it's February, because in four weeks spring will be here and the days will be longer, and the flowers will bloom and the leaves will come out on the trees, and life will at least look, on the outside, so much more beautiful.