Drowning

One of the most important lessons I’ve had to learn, struggle with, accept – was something my therapist, Michael Eigen, always tried to teach me.  I couldn’t get it for years.  Then Buddhism and 12 Step rooms re-enforced the concept and now I still struggle with it, but I’m getting better at it.  The lesson is to not fight whatever feelings are in me – to accept them – to welcome them.  The more you fight them, the more they linger.

It is like drowning.  When you fight the waves, when you struggle and exhaust yourself, you drown.  When you relax into the water, when you find the moments you can breathe and trust that you will not drown, then you live.  That was my experience in a rip tide when I was in my early 20’s.  I was in Malibu, swimming on a beach with no lifeguards.  I went out into the waves, confident, having grown up on Long Island beaches, and I experienced, for the first time, what a rip tide is.  At first I was tossed around underwater and I was terrified.  My first thought was “this is it. You are going to drown.”  And my second thought was, “Do not panic.  That is how people drown.”  Since there was no one there who could save me, I had to do it on my own, I somehow managed to stay calm and not exhaust myself, and I lived.  It was a lesson in trusting myself and that inner voice that knows the truth.  I wish that I had remembered it all these years – it’s a good way to live.  Quietly, listening to that voice. 

Not the other voices, that are louder, and more critical.  You’re doing it wrong, you’re a fuck-up, you’re going to make a mistake, you’re not good enough.

No.  Just calm down and trust.  That will be my mantra for today.  Let’s see how it goes. 

Missing

I had a hard time getting out of bed this morning, which hasn't happened to me in a long time.  Today's a great day, too, I'm going to Unity and then we're going to march in the Gay Pride Parade, which couldn't have been planned for a better day.  Aside from the passage of marriage rights in New York State, it's also a beautiful day.  And Carlos Anderson will be speaking at Unity, which always makes me happy.  He speaks extemporaneously and it's thrilling to see him.  

As I was walking Lucy on this glorious morning, I started thinking about all the people I miss.  I thought about Zoe last night and how we always had so many great adventures together.  It's hard to even express how much I miss my daughter.  I miss old friends. In some cases they left me, in other cases, I left them.  The ones I left are really the ones I miss. It was absolutely the right thing to do, but it doesn't mean I don't miss them.  I miss Lola and I always will.  I think about her every day and I feel grateful for those wonderful nine years we had together.  I miss Mike Eigen, my old therapist, who I see on occasion, but no longer regularly.  And I miss our marriage and family therapist, Mildred Moskowitz, who we also saw regularly.  I've spoken to her on the phone a few times and I went to see her last summer.  She is a lovely person and quite a role model, well into her 80's and still working.en

I miss my mother and my father.  This summer is the second anniversary of my mother's death and my dad's been gone for 21 years.  I miss my family, my sister and her son's family, my cousins.  I haven't seen them in a long time.  

I miss having a partner.  I miss the man I married, not the one I'm divorcing.  

But most of all, I am grateful for being able to feel this sadness and to be in touch with the feelings.  For so many years I was shut down and out of touch. 


I read an article about Harrison Ford the other day and when asked what he felt was the most important things in life he said, "People. Work. And...learning."  I like that.