Envy again

I wish that envy never appeared in my life.  Right now, one of the most talented, kindest and most supportive people I know, is having all the success I have dreamt of.  No one deserves it more, no one has been more generous, not just to me. but to hundreds of writers and performers.  If any writer should be given sainthood, he should.  And still, I feel envious.

Life is simply difficult.  The glass is both half full and half empty.  


Last night, I took Lucy out for a walk and I ran into the young woman who manages the hotel across the street.  She mentioned that her parents had been visiting NY and that it was probably the last time they would be able to do so.  She told me that her mother, who is only 51, is going to be paralyzed, because of a tumor that's growing in her neck.  This young woman just turned 30.  She is too young to be dealing with such heartbreak.  I wished there was something I could do to help.  I know the only thing I can do is listen whenever we run into each other, if she feels like talking.  I wish there were something more I could do, but her parents live in South Africa. I told her about Friends In Deed. 

I am embarrassed that I feel envy about my writing, when life is filled with so many tragedies and challenges.  I know that Pema Chodron would say, "You're human.  Humans feel anger, envy, jealousy, rage, every single emotion. Feel them."  


I guess right now I feel mostly sad, for my friend and for her family and for everyone in the world who is suffering.  This is not an easy time for most people.  But I am happy for my writing friend - and I am grateful for my life, for Zoe and Abigail, my dear friends, and for Lucy is who now pacing in front of me, ready to go out for her next walk.

The color green

When I start to feel envy, I know I'm in trouble. I have never quite figured out a way to feel it and move on. But it's one of those lessons I'm working on.

Also being in the moment. I find that difficult too.

What else?

Sugar. I have a hard time resisting sweets. I can be pretty good for awhile, but then I discover something like a fake Ho-Ho at Bucheron Bakery in the AOL Time Warner Center and I dream about it. It looks like a Ho-Ho, rolled chocolate cake with whipped cream and a chocolate coating on the outside shaped in a log. I bought one about a month ago and shared it with Zoe and I haven't been back, but today I was downstairs at Whole Foods in the Time Warner Center and I thought about it. And now that I'm feeling envy, I really want that Ho-Ho.

Why is envy so tough? You're in high school and someone's dating the guy you have a crush on. You get older and someone gets a job you want, or a beautiful apartment, or goes on a wonderful adventure, or has a huge success, or their kid does really well. Compare and despair is a phrase I've heard. I rarely let myself go there, but right now I'm feeling it.

I have a number of interesting things going on in my life right now and I'm very excited about them. I just had a wonderful vacation in Spain. I also have a number of friends who are dealing with serious health issues. Where do I get off feeling envy?

And then there's the frenemy situation on Facebook...someone I'd like to delete from my list. But I've known her for a hundred years and I wish good things for her, I just don't want to see or hear about her. Do I press delete and get rid of the problem, or will I then wonder what is going on with her and have no way to spy. And honestly, I haven't gone out of my way to spy, but every once in awhile I see her update and it annoys me.

Ah, life is complicated. And I am shallow, superficial and small-minded. I pray for enlightenment. I pray for Pema Chodron to read my blog and tell me what to do.

Pema, are you out there?