Here today

Monday morning, for the past three years I've been dreading Mondays. I've also been fearing depression, especially as we come close to winter.

I guess you would call that not being in the moment. This morning I re-read another chapter in "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron and read this paragraph: "The essence of life is that it's challenging. Sometimes it's sweet, and sometimes it's bitter. Sometimes your body tenses, and sometimes it relaxes or opens. Sometimes you have a headache, and sometimes you feel 100 percent healthy. From an awakened perspective, trying to tie up all the loose ends and finally get it together is death, because it involves rejecting a lot of your basic experience. There is something aggressive about this approach to life, trying to flatten out all the rough spots and imperfections into a nice smooth ride.... To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest. .... To live is to be willing to die over and over again."

I was walking the dogs in the park this morning and now all the leaves are off the trees. It felt like a kind of death, when I looked around. I generally hate this time of year, but for some reason I am enjoying it, even though last night it was windy and cold and I didn't have enough layers on. Listening to my ipod while I race home from the subway at night helps me to move quickly and not mind the cold so much. What did we do before such inventions?

Anyway, I wish for you a day with a few bumps.

Oh - one more thing. I'm rehearsing for a song we are singing at our final Mama Gena weekend, which is this coming weekend. My group (eight of us) are singing "Mamma Mia" but with new lyrics "Mama Gena." It should be really fun. We're all wearing blond wigs and I'll try to post a photo of our group in our costumes. (Although we're not exactly sure what they will be - lots of sequins I think.) Learning the lyrics has been challenging. I'm generally either walking with the ipod, singing to myself (or out loud if I'm in a park) or on the subway singing softly. Zoe's tired of hearing me, so I try to limit how often I sing at home. Singing and dancing are two activities that bring me great pleasure. I recommend them. Take a dance break today!

Intimacy with fear

That's the title of the first chapter of "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron and I am re-reading it. "Embarking on the spiritual journey is like getting into a very small boat and setting out on the ocean to search for unknown lands." I get fearful when I think about the future and I don't know what it's going to be. I'm in a place like that right now and I have to say, it's both terrifying and exciting.

I loved seeing Barack and Michelle Obama on 60 Minutes last night. How refreshing was that? Two really intelligent, articulate people who will be living in the White House and I just like them so much! It feels like we're moving from the darkness into the light and it is truly exciting, even with all the problems that plague us, to know that we'll have the best minds in this country focused on solving them. And talk about facing his fears, Barack has that down. He seems to be preternaturally calm. I love that we won't have to worry about the future of the Supreme Court and Roe v. Wade and a million other issues that would have been a complete nightmare if the Republicans continued in office for another four years.

So - all of that is great and mostly I'm focused on trying not to let the winter, and my loss of work, and fears about money and the future keep me from moving forward.

I do know that humor helps me. I saw my director Matt this weekend, along with a few other friends, and he always makes me laugh. That changed my mood dramatically. And then I went to a screening of "Frost/Nixon" with Ron Howard, the screenwriter Peter Morgan and Brian Grazer speaking afterward and that was fantastic! And on Sunday, I went to Unity, my "church" (it's filled with lots of people of all faiths, including Jews) and went out to brunch with a woman I met at Mama Gena's. So I had spiritual, intellectual and emotional sustenance this weekend. And now I'm going to get my butt to the gym, or go for a long walk. Somehow I'm going to get through this winter and enjoy it, even though I only love the first snow and then I am so ready for April.

I guess in spiritual terms though, I should say I will feel whatever I feel and try to live in the moment, even if it sucks.

Bodhichitta and Tonglen

This happens to me quite often: I wake up in the morning and I'm feeling blue about something, or some problem is weighing on me, either an issue I'm having or it could be one that a friend is dealing with. So I do my meditation for a little while and maybe nothing insightful comes out of it. Then I pick up some kind of book for inspiration. For the last year or so I've been reading quite a bit of Pema Chodron's work, as I've mentioned before.

So yesterday, I woke up after having been at the beach for the past three days and I thought, "Damn, I can't walk on the beach this morning. Or swim. Or relax." And I was feeling a little bit sad about being back in the city, in the heat, back to dealing with life, and stress, and anxiety about money, and work, and everything else. I picked up "When Things Fall Apart" (Pema Chodron, 1997) and this is some of what I read in a chapter titled: "The Love That Will Not Die."

"In difficult times, it is only bodhichitta that heals. Healing can be found in the tenderness of the pain itself."

"Bodhicitta is a Sanskrit word that means "noble and awakened heart."

"...Steven Levine writes of a woman who was dying in terrible pain and feeling overwhelming bitterness. At the point at which she felt she could not bear the suffering and resentment any longer, she unexpectedly began to experience the pain of others in agony: a starving mother in Eithiopia, a runaway teenager dying of an overdose in a dirty flat, a man crushed by a landslide and dying alone by the banks of a river. She said she understood that it wasn't her pain, it was the pain of all beings. It wasn't just her life, it was life itself."

"It is said that in difficult times, it is only bodhichitta that heals. When inspiration has become hidden, when we feel ready to give up, this is the time when healing can be found in the tenderness of the pain itself."

"Tonglen - sending and receiving - awakens bodhichitta by putting us in touch with the genuine noble heart. It's a practice of taking in pain and sending out pleasure and therefore completely turns around our well-established habit of doing just the opposite."


So then I thought, what percentage of people in the world are getting up and walking on a beautiful beach today? What percentage of people don't have shit to deal with, don't have money issues, or health issues, or parents who are sick, or whatever. Get over yourself!

The other day a friend of mine was dealing with a situation that involves her brother. They're not speaking and she's mad because this happens continuously and she's fed up. So I picked up my book the morning after we had this discussion and the chapter was titled "Widening the Circle of Compassion." This has to do "right and wrong" and how everyone always feels that their position is right and other person's is wrong. And what is needed is open and honest communication about what people are feeling and accepting that perhaps there is no right or wrong, just feelings. I relate a lot to my friend's problems with her brother, because my sister and I have had a similar relationship. And perhaps this right and wrong dilemma is the reason we continue to have wars.

Anyway, I don't know the answers to all of this, I just know I'm going to keep on reading and meditating. And maybe re-reading. Until maybe someday I actually get it.