Do Not Compare My Outsides to Your Insides

Normally, people say "Don't compare your insides to someone else's outsides."  I thought I'd make a twist on that and it became my second Huff Post:

Do Not Compare My Outsides to Your Insides

Last week, I had the good fortune to see Brené Brown, author of The Gifts of Imperfection, who was a guest on Katie Couric’s new talk show. 

The title of Brown’s latest book, Daring Greatly, comes from one of my favorite quotes by Teddy Roosevelt:

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.  The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly…who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.”

I was thrilled to see Brené in person, having watched her TED talks numerous times.  I think of her as “The Queen of Vulnerability.”  Often when I am engaging in actions that feel risky (no, I’ll never skydive, I’m talking about crazy stuff, like going on a date), I wonder, “what would Brené say?”  She would say, “Go for it.” 

But the real revelation for me at the show was Katie.  I’ve always liked her, but had imagined that everything must be easy for her, that she didn’t have the kind of pesky voices in her head like I do that seem constantly to be saying what the hell do you think you’re doing?  Yesterday she showed us her vulnerability, laughing with the audience and wondering if she was doing things right, and it made me admire her all the more. What Brené Brown teaches us is what Katie, the ultimate professional with a thoroughly human side, showed us yesterday: Katie has often dared greatly.

We hear “nothing ventured, nothing gained,” but I see so many people in life talking about taking chances, changing their lives, leaving jobs they hate, or unhappy relationships, or moving, or going back to school, or dating, or wanting to dance, or meditate, or stop drinking, or ask someone out, or changing careers, or standing up to an abusive person...and talking about it is as far as they get.

I am not judging them.  I was in marriage that wasn’t working for many years and all I did was talk (or write) about it. I watched so many of my friends get divorced and I always thought, “But my husband is a good guy, he’s not a jerk like so and so’s husband.” The truth was, we weren’t a good fit.  We wanted different things in life. 

Brené Brown and Katie Couric are both big risk takers.  Katie’s show will be in front of an audience.  This is a new skill for her.  It looks easy, but the Talk Show Highway is littered with failed shows, even with hosts we love. Katie has the unenviable position of being compared to Oprah and Ellen and every snarky armchair observation that pops in peoples’ heads. Imagine what it felt like for Jimmy Fallon to read that his show was a “trainwreck”: "It didn't seem to have attitude, direction or an identifiable style -- a newborn already suffering an identity crisis...” (Tom Shales, 4.3.09) or the Maureen Ryan (Chicago Tribune) description of the first show: "Sweaty, tense, uptight, nervous, wound-up, keyed up -- pick an adjective. Any one of them would describe Fallon's demeanor on opening night."

Fast forward to this year, where Fallon has increased his lead over the competition from last year’s 5% to this year’s 19% (TV by the Numbers 7.26.12) – who’s sweaty now?

I’m not shilling for Katie’s new show (though an address for a check can be provided)—I’m just suggesting we should cheer Katie on for doing exactly what Brené Brown says her research reveals for lives of meaning and substance: take the chance, be vulnerable and thereby risk having more joy and fulfillment. 

By the way, Brené freely admits that she became an academic to live in a world of facts and statistics, only to find herself (not by choice!) firmly planted in a world of risk taking and vulnerability.  The audience yesterday was rooting for both of these women to succeed and I think that is ultimately what we all have to do: be there for each other, to cheer each other on.  We need to become a community of risk takers, of people whose insides are allowing them to move forward and change that job or start exercising or end that toxic relationship. 

When we don’t move forward, we begin to break down, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Or as Alvy Singer says in “Annie Hall”: “A relationship, I think, is like a shark. You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.”

Let’s avoid the dead shark! Let's look now at what's endangered in our lives - a relationship? A passion? A creative impulse?  How many years can we wait to move it forward, energized and free?  What are we waiting for?

I love quoting Woody Allen!  

My first Huffington Post Blog!!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/robin-amos-kahn/grief-spirituality_b_1744416.html


The other day, I was riding my bike and suddenly the first line of a piece that I thought would be great for the Huff Post came into my mind.  "When Life Gives You Lemons...Make a Lemon Meringue Pie, or a Lemon Cake" - or ...."a Souffle!"  I suddenly heard the whole piece and so I got off the bike, used my iPhone to record it, came home, basically transcribed the whole thing and the next thing I knew it was on the Huff Post.  It was thrilling!  I feel so grateful to my friend Karen Fitzgerald, for sharing her contact at the Huff Post.  And they posted it within an hour.

Life is good!  Zoe just arrived from San Francisco.  I am working on my book and just showing up a day at a time.  

Three years later

Three years ago this week, my play "Scrambled Eggs" had just had a fabulous reading in Great Barrington at the Berkshire Playwrights Lab.  My solo show had just been performed at the Midtown International Theater Festival.  My daughter and her father were just driving cross country to move to San Francisco.  I was alone, in Brooklyn, with my two dogs, Lucy and Lola.  My mother had just died.  To say that I was in a dark night of the soul, would be an understatement.  I was completely, utterly bereft and also grateful to have seen the play, perform, and I couldn't stop crying.  Well, I stopped long enough to see the show and perform the three shows, thank God. 

Life is better.  So much better.  Zoe is moving back to New York City next Tuesday and I am thrilled.  She will be staying with us here on Crosby Street until she can find a job, a place to live and hopefully a roommate.  I hope that all of that will come together easily for her.  It has been difficult to have her so far away for these past three years, but also in some ways a relief.  For so long, I felt responsible for everyone in my life and after losing Lola, the only responsibilities I have had, honestly, were to take care of myself and Lucy.  And of course, go to work and write and be a good friend and do everything that is important to do. 

I am working on a book about Post Traumatic Growth - "transformation through loss."  In doing my research, I have gone back to read this blog and also my journal, as well as finding all the quotes in countless books, and writing about everything I learned at Friends In Deed about loss, caregiving, life-threatening illness.  As someone said, "It's a great comeback story."  I don't feel totally back, but I do believe now completely in the statement "the only way out is truly through." For the first year and a half, I thought there would be no end to the tears.  There was.  There is. 

I just found this funny old question-answer thing I wrote in February 2010 and I thought it might be fun to re-answer it now.  Some answers are the same, so I will change the color of the new answers:

Your cell phone: iPhone
Your hair: Brown
Your mother: Dead
Your father: Dead
Your favorite food: ice cream (it's summer)

Your dream last night: no memory
Your favorite drink: iced lattes
Your dream goal: Writing and making a living at it again
What room are you in: living room
Your hobby: dancing
Your fear: a painful death
Where do you see yourself in 6 years: Writing and in love
Where were you last night: at Qoya, dancing and doing yoga
Something you aren't: Daredevil
Muffins: banana

Wish list item:  Book contract or play produced
Where did you grow up: Long Island
Last thing you did: took a nap
What are you wearing: a dress
Your TV:  is mostly on my iPad 
Your pets: One beagle
Friends: fewer, but more devoted
Your life: Up and down, mostly up
Your mood: happy
Missing someone: My daughter
Vehicle: Feet
Something you aren't wearing: shoes
Your favorite store: Lord and Taylor (because no one else is there)
Your favorite color: purple
When was the last time you laughed: yesterday in a meeting
Last time you cried: last night, watching a replay of the Olympic opening ceremony
Your best friend: Lucy
One place you go over and over: Central Park
Facebooking: Too often
Favorite place to eat: home

D.H. Lawrence

 Song of a Man Who Has Come Through

Not I, not I, but the wind that blows through me!
A fine wind is blowing the new direction of Time.
If only I let it bear me, carry me, if only it carry me!
If only I am sensitive, subtle, oh, delicate, a winged gift!
If only, most lovely of all, I yield myself and am borrowed
By the fine, fine, wind that takes its course through the chaos of the world
Like a fine, an exquisite chisel, a wedge-blade inserted;
If only I am keen and hard like the sheer tip of a wedge
Driven by invisible blows,
The rock will split, we shall come at the wonder, we shall find the Hesperides.

Oh, for the wonder that bubbles into my soul,
I would be a good fountain, a good well-head,
Would blur no whisper, spoil no expression.

What is the knocking?
What is the knocking at the door in the night?
It is somebody wants to do us harm.

No, no, it is the three strange angels.
Admit them, admit them.

Post Traumatic Growth

Friedrich Nietzshe's quote: "That which does not kill us makes us stronger" used to annoy me.  I have to admit that I do find Kelly Clarkson's song "What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger" quite catchy.

Yesterday, I saw a TED talk by a woman named Jane McGonigal, a game designer who suffered a serious brain injury, which caused her to go through an extremely traumatic year of pain and constant suicidal thoughts.

She came out of it with a game - and research which supports the notion of "what doesn't kill you, etc."  It is exactly the conclusion I, too, have reached after my own difficult journey of divorce, death, and quite a bit of loss, all at once, and all of it traumatic. 

This theory is called "Post Traumatic Growth" - and though it sounds crazy, I believe it's true.

Here is what she discovered and it completely matches my own experience:

My priorities have changed, I'm not afraid to do what makes me happy.
I feel closer to friends and family.
I understand myself better.
I have a new sense of meaning and purpose.
I'm better able to focus on my goals and dreams.

In addition, the idea of resilience in the following areas increases and gives you the chance to live a life of fewer regrets:

Physical resilience
Mental resilience
Emotional resilience
Social resilience




This is not to say that we don't have bad days...we do.  But somehow they feel more manageable then they used to.  I know it sounds crazy and I hope you don't spend the day with the song "What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger" stuck in your head.  You should watch her talk on TED, it's really good.

And if you find yourself singing the song, get up and dance!

Still meditating

Even though I said I wanted to change the focus on my blog to dancing, I guess really dancing is a metaphor for having more pleasure in my life.  I just came from a long bike ride along the river and when I came home, I realized that I was feeling a little blue. 

I went back a couple of years on this blog and found a Pema Chodron reading that I thought I'd share again, because as always, she seems to say exactly what I need to hear:

"A magical golden key

Being satisfied with what we already have is a magical golden key to being alive in a full, unrestricted, and inspired way. One of the major obstacles to what is traditionally called enlightenment is resentment, feeling cheated, holding a grudge about who you are, where you are, what you are. This is why we talk so much about making friends with ourselves, because, for some reason or other, we don't feel that kind of satisfaction in a full and complete way.

Meditation is a process of lightening up, of trusting the basic goodness of what we have and who we are, and of realizing that any wisdom that exists, exists in what we already have. Our wisdom is all mixed up with what we call our neurosis. Our brilliance, our juiciness, our spiciness is all mixed up with our craziness and our confusion, and therefore it doesn't do any good to try to get ride of our so-called negative aspects, because in that process we also get rid of our basic wonderfulness. We can lead our life so as to become more awake to who we are and what we're doing rather than trying to improve or change or get rid of who we are or what we're doing. The key is to wake up, to become more alert, more inquisitive and curious about ourselves."