Suffering

I'm not talking about myself, I was thinking about the world in general this morning in my meditation.  I heard on the news that the job market remains very bad and nothing that the government's been doing to fix the economy seems to be helping.  And - the private sector is shrinking - which it doesn't look good for this administration if it can't lift us out of this mess. 

I was also thinking about the PBS show "This Emotional Life" which I watched this week.  I haven't seen the whole three part series yet, but the last segment was my favorite.  What I really loved, that I'd never heard, was about a study of POW's who'd suffered horrific torture and imprisonment for many years.  When asked if it was possible to remove that period of their lives, would they choose to?  The answer was for most of them, no.  And the reason was that it was the time in their lives when they learned the most about themselves, when they saw how strong they were and how resilient.  The torture was almost unspeakable, and the years in solitary confinement were devastating, but one former prisoner talked about a tapping system on the walls of their cells that the prisoners devised to communicate with each other and how that saved their lives. They prayed, taught each other different languages, talked about their families. 

The show also showed the power of 12 Step Programs and how that sense of community is one of most effective tools for dealing with addictive behaviors and transformation.  The spiritual aspect is also important, but the connection between human beings is really crucial.

I wrote about Daniel Gilbert and his studies about happiness a few months ago, based on an article I read in the NY Times.  This show on PBS, particularly the final installment, is really worth watching.  And maybe this period in our country's history, and most of the rest of the world's, is a period that we will look back as one we were able to grow from and prove how resilient we are. 

Fish Tank

Okay, so yesterday I did a little whining about my life and today I am extremely grateful for all the things I get to do, living in this amazing city.  Last week a friend of mine left me a voice message and I couldn't really understand the whole message, but I got: "film, Wednesday night, IFC."  So I called back and said yes and I still didn't know what we were seeing, so I asked her last night when I went to meet her and she said, "Fish Tank."   I've never heard of "Fish Tank", but she said it was supposed to be great and I figured okay, it's free, I get to spend time with my friend and I love movies.

They gave us a handout when we first arrived at the theater.  I read the first paragraph "Director Andrea Arnold's film always begin with an image, which she doesn't really understand, but uses it to figure out what the film is about....she doesn't give the actors a script.  The seventeen year-old lead was discovered while fighting with her boyfriend on a train platform near the town where the film was eventually shot and when the casting agent approached her and asked if she would like to be in a film, the girl said, 'Fuck off.'"  (She thought it was a joke.)  

I knew right away that I was probably going to like this movie. Katie Jarvis played the lead and she is quite talented and intuitive.


Anyway,, the film was fascinating.  Lots of shades of gray of human behavior, truth and raw performances.  The lead actor, Michael Fassbender is brilliant in a difficult role.   Everyone walked a very thin line and managed to keep their balance.  Everyone was multi-dimensional, which is so rare these days.  I can't wait to see it again.  Michael Fassbender was there last night to talk about the film and he is charming and incredibly handsome. It was a wonderful night. I love living in NY, I didn't even mind walking home in the cold, and I so appreciate my friends. And really great art. 

I'm so tired of being alone

I think it's just winter.  Winter is a bitch.  Winter is a challenge.  I feel like I have a phantom limb, like something isn't quite right, and yet...

I realized last night as I was throwing out the garbage that there were so many things I didn't want to do when I was married and it had nothing to do with being lazy or just not liking doing them.  It was my passive aggressive way of getting back at my husband.  Now I actually enjoy all the chores that I avoided all those years.  It feels good not to walk around with all that underlying anger.  I feel lighter in some ways and sadder in others.  I even feel like cooking, which I haven't wanted to do in years.  I was at the gym this morning, watching Martha Stewart (I have no say over what channels are on the tv's) and she was cooking stir fried chicken and stir fried shrimp and I thought, "Okay, I want to cook that." 


Last night I also went with E to Friends In Deed.  She just lost her best friend to cancer and has had several years of the worst crises to deal with.  She said to me, "Can I just say my litany? Just list it all?"  And I said, "This is the place to do it."  

We listened to people's stories and I think she realized just how many people have had too much shit to deal with.  I had to leave a few minutes early, so I don't know if she did eventually share, but I hope she comes back.  FID was closed over the holidays, so it felt good to be in the room again.  As soon as we started to meditate, I could feel the tears welling up and then I felt fine again.  I think it's working.  

Dating rock stars

I just finished reading Bono's op-ed piece in the NY Times.  I didn't understand a third of it, but all I could think about is - wow, you are sexy, talented and smart.  And committed to improving the world, and rich, and you seem to walk the walk, and why aren't you on Match?  Or having dinner in Savoy across the street, so I could meet you there?  

Electric cars, cancer, the World Cup, teleportation, pollution, those are just half of the ten suggestions Bono wrote about today in his op-ed piece.  And here I am writing about dating him.  Well, have you ever seen him in concert?  He's very sexy in that powerful, lead singer/song writer activist with a private plane kind of way.  


I'm not crazy about the sunglasses, but I'm sure he doesn't wear them to bed.  


I would also like to do yoga with Sting. 

Right brain and follow through

I have this problem:  too many ideas and not enough follow through.  I think it's a challenging dilemma, probably much better than others I could have, but still a problem.

Now that my mom has passed away and my family is scattered and all I have to really worry about on a daily basis is myself, my fourteen and a half year-old incontinent dog with diabetes incipitus (sp?), my seven and a half year-old blind, arthritic dog with disk problems, my financial situation, my teeth, my friends, where I'll live, when I'll meet someone to love, etc., etc., perhaps I can finally really channel all the ideas I have into actions and actually accomplish something important.

Some of what I've already done is pretty much out of my hands...but new projects are beginning to come to my mind and I want to really focus attention on them and make them real.

2010 may be the year of accomplishment, or at least the start of the decade of accomplishment.  I hope so! 

"What is it with you and fun?"

My ex once actually said those words to me.  I'm telling you this not to point the finger or cast blame.  I'm just saying, I like fun.  I need fun.  I crave fun. 

And this year, I am going to have it.  It's been a long time, since I have felt so in control of my life - and also out of control.  I can choose the people I want to spend time with and what I do with some of my time.  I can't control much else, but one thing I am going to focus on is bringing joy and fun into my life.


Last night Abigail, my loftmate, and I had a group of women over for dinner and a movie.  We bought ourselves a flat screen TV for Christmas (not big) and then a cable guy came and attached a new hi def cable box, but somehow our DVD player was not attached.  I spent a good forty-five minutes on the phone with Time Warner, much to the amusement of our guests, but I failed in my mission to figure out what the problem was.

We had a really enjoyable evening anyway, talking and laughing and I am always amazed at how much I love being with people and how isolated my prior life had been.  

So this year, I choose fun.  I choose spending more time with people I really like and who like me, and are also looking to bring more pleasure and fun into their lives. I have realized lately that I'm not an extrovert or an introvert - I'm a centrovert.  I am nourished by being with people and I couldn't possibly exist without time alone.  This year I'm on a hunt for a more authentic life.  I'm still meditating, imperfectly, but daily. 


I need to throw in a plug for gratitude. Last year was difficult, but I wouldn't trade a moment of it.  It truly was "a creative and transformative experience."  And I guess this year will probably continue to be as well.  


"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."   Lao-tse

Row row row your boat

I was just resting, getting ready for a small party tonight at our loft, trying to get rid of a mild headache.  It suddenly felt like I was floating on a lovely stream and the words "row row row your boat" came to my mind.  I could feel the warmth of a summer day, even though it's twenty-nine degrees outside and snowing lightly.  This time of year is always a challenge for me and maybe that's one of the reasons I like living in NY.  There's three months of weather that I don't particularly enjoy, that require a very serious practice of staying in the moment and not succumbing to complete winter despair.  Well, actually, I usually do succumb to it, but then I bounce back eventually and by May I am positively giddy with pride that I didn't beat anyone up or have a nervous breakdown.  

Actually, if I did beat someone up or have a nervous breakdown, it would make this blog far more interesting, so perhaps I'll try that this winter.  I mean, rowing your boat down the stream is pretty dull, when you think about it.  I need a baseball bat and some boxing gloves, and maybe I'll just start cursing at strangers on the street.  

I'll keep you posted.