As the news of our separation begins to spread, I have had a number of conversations with friends who have expressed unhappiness with their relationships.
"Oh, God, I would love to leave my husband, but I'm terrified of being alone. I just can't handle it. But I would leave, if I could...I really would. He's driving me crazy. You are so brave. I wish I could do it. You're doing it for all of us."
First of all, let me say I am not brave. I was up last night at 3 a.m. with a bad headache, praying for pain relief and the ability to fall back to sleep. And a lottery win.
Is anybody happy? Let's start with the definition:
1 Feeling or showing pleasure or contentment. 2. Fortunate. 3. (of words or behavior) very suitable, pleasing.
Unless you are clinically depressed, or dealing with a serious crisis, I think most people show pleasure or contentment some of the time. Fortunate? A lot of us who don't have jobs now are not feeling fortunate and that is clearly putting a strain on relationships. I would bet that the divorce rate is up right now.
I do know some couples who have the kind of relationship I would like to have. Here's the story of one of them.
"A" was married rather young, around 26, to a man, "P" who she met at work. He was (is) seven years older than she is and he was either married or separating from his first wife. They seemed to be so suited to each other, A & P, they had very similar backgrounds, the same sense of humor, they almost looked like brother and sister. I remember at one of A's birthday parties, P made a toast that was so loving, I felt a bit envious. They had two kids, two years apart, and when the kids were young, they moved from the city to the suburbs. This did not please A, but she felt she had no choice, since P was a control freak.
P traveled often for his work and I remember being a little surprised whenever A said, "Yay! I'm so happy when he's away!" Steve traveled too and though I enjoyed having the time with Zoe, I did miss him.
One summer everything pretty much imploded between A & P. A had an affair. When it turned out that P had already had one, with one of their close friends, it became clear that the relationship was over. They lived together for a time in that War of the Roses way, but once they sold the house, A began a new life that included dating. She also found a good job, it didn't pay too well, but she enjoyed it. Her two kids, ten and twelve at the time of the divorce, were definitely struggling and it was a bad time for A, who had very little support from her family.
She put herself on a few dating websites and proceeded to go out with pretty much every decent guy in the tri-state area. She slept with a few and tried hard to find a little bit of happiness where she could.
Then one day, a few years into her new life, she told me she saw a guy (L) on-line who seemed thoughtful and attractive. He was wearing a baseball cap in his photo that had the letters of her favorite radio station. After a few emails back and forth, L requested that they meet, since most of the time when you are face to face, you realize that there's no way you're going to like this person.
So they met. And that didn't happen. They liked each other. Immediately. I remember A saying, "I like this guy....but he's so different from anyone I've ever dated."
And one of her friends, it might have been me, said, "And is that such a bad thing?"
Clearly it wasn't. They fell in love and although it wasn't easy, they both have two kids and bringing together two families is always a challenge...and they both have difficult ex's...despite all that, it worked out. Brilliantly.
In Yiddish the word "beshert" means soul mate. A & L are soul mates and it is a pleasure to know them and witness their love. I am so happy for both of them and I hope someday that I may be fortunate enough to meet my beshert.
In the meantime, I'm just going to try to be happy and get through the nights. And I think I'll go buy myself a big bottle of Advil and a few lottery tickets.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Sunday, May 3, 2009
A warm body
The other day I was talking to a woman who is in the process of separating from her husband, although he is resisting moving out. She said what she is afraid of most is being alone and although the relationship is terrible, she knows what she will miss is... "a warm body."
It is hard to give up that human contact, even if it isn't ideal.
Yesterday, my friend Sheila and I went to visit my first boyfriend, Warren, and his wife, Barbara. Warren and I went steady (remember that?) in ninth and tenth grades and I loved him and his entire family. They were in my life when things were difficult for me and they practically adopted me. They were the first family I met in real life that could have qualified for their own TV show. I never saw so much love and warmth in a home. His parents adored each other and all their kids, they had five - two sons and three daughters. Warren had a band in high school called "The Lost Chords" and his passion was music.
His first marriage was to someone we went to high school with and they had two daughters. The marriage didn't last and they had some very rough years. Fortunately, both daughters have done really well and are thriving. One of them is in medical school and the other is in business school. I met them when they were little girls and I hope to see them again someday.
Seventeen years ago, Warren met Barbara through a friend and they have a great relationship. She is lovely. Barbara is a social worker and Warren works as a mortgage broker - but his passion is still music and he is extremely talented. He wanted Sheila to come out and record in his studio (years ago she sang in his band). My job was to bring her there. After we arrived by train, Warren drove us around Plainview, the town we all grew up in. We saw our old homes which looked completely different, and we even went into our old high school.
Then later, after we had a delicious lunch, Warren and Sheila recorded a song Warren had written and then Barbara, Warren and I sang back-up. He has a great studio in the house.
It turned out to be a really fun day and I guess one way of having warm bodies in our lives is going out and finding them.
Which brings me back to that saying I wrote about a few months ago, "Go where it's warm."
It is hard to give up that human contact, even if it isn't ideal.
Yesterday, my friend Sheila and I went to visit my first boyfriend, Warren, and his wife, Barbara. Warren and I went steady (remember that?) in ninth and tenth grades and I loved him and his entire family. They were in my life when things were difficult for me and they practically adopted me. They were the first family I met in real life that could have qualified for their own TV show. I never saw so much love and warmth in a home. His parents adored each other and all their kids, they had five - two sons and three daughters. Warren had a band in high school called "The Lost Chords" and his passion was music.
His first marriage was to someone we went to high school with and they had two daughters. The marriage didn't last and they had some very rough years. Fortunately, both daughters have done really well and are thriving. One of them is in medical school and the other is in business school. I met them when they were little girls and I hope to see them again someday.
Seventeen years ago, Warren met Barbara through a friend and they have a great relationship. She is lovely. Barbara is a social worker and Warren works as a mortgage broker - but his passion is still music and he is extremely talented. He wanted Sheila to come out and record in his studio (years ago she sang in his band). My job was to bring her there. After we arrived by train, Warren drove us around Plainview, the town we all grew up in. We saw our old homes which looked completely different, and we even went into our old high school.
Then later, after we had a delicious lunch, Warren and Sheila recorded a song Warren had written and then Barbara, Warren and I sang back-up. He has a great studio in the house.
It turned out to be a really fun day and I guess one way of having warm bodies in our lives is going out and finding them.
Which brings me back to that saying I wrote about a few months ago, "Go where it's warm."
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Staying present
Well, so far this has been a very interesting week. Monday, my husband Steve and I told our 21 year-old daughter that we were separating. Today is Thursday and it appears that we are all absorbing it in our own ways. I can't speak for my husband and my daughter, but my experience has been feeling very much in the moment, sometimes emotional, sometimes scared and amazed at how much support is coming my way.
Yesterday morning, I had that "knot in your stomach" feeling and I thought to myself, "Oh, I know this feeling. It's not good, but it doesn't last forever."
And between the swine flu and the economic fears and not knowing what's going to happen in the future, I do occasionally feel like crawling into bed, but honestly, not that much.
Yesterday, I went to the gym and did the elliptical trainer and then Steve (why did he have to be named Steve?) worked with me. To my friends who love yoga - I will do my best to get back to it. I love it too. I did realize how much I hate doing sit-ups and the plank, and squats, but I do like the massage Steve gives me after the work-out. It's very gentle and relaxing.
After the gym, I went to visit my mother. For anyone who's never read this blog, my mother is a character. She's 95, lives in a nursing home, is not looking too good (she was a very attractive woman), and she continues to flirt with any man (no matter his age) and curse anyone who annoys her. Anyway, I told her about what was happening and she said, "Oh, that is so hard. I pity you. But if you're not happy, you need to do what you want." Or something like that. She also said, "I lost a really good man." Which is rather ironic given that she spent, literally, every moment of their fifty-two year marriage yelling at him.
Later on I ran into a friend and said something like "...Well, we're living parallel lives that don't ever seem to intersect anymore. And he's very isolated and I feel very lonely..." And she continued, "Yes! Us too! And we have completely different world views and he won't even consider going to therapy, not alone, or with me and right now he's out of town and I am thrilled! It's like all the negative energy left the apartment and I feel free!" And then she expressed her fear of leaving him, worried that she would become a bag lady. This woman is a very successful author who is about to embark on a book tour. I have to admit, I have that fear too. But I figure if all else fails, I'll become a nanny, since I love babies.
My mood got dark later in the afternoon and I was able to cry with another friend. I think the good news is, feeling the feelings really does help, despite the recent studies that say maybe it's over-rated. For me, it helps. And then one more friend - who's dealing with hot flashes and sadness, so we had the perimenopause conversation. I told her about my play "Scrambled Eggs" and we laughed a lot and by the end of the day I felt pretty happy.
Last night, I caught up with "American Idol" (I do like to watch the last few weeks) and "In Treatment" (Gabriel Byrne...are you really as empathetic as you seem? Nah, you're just a good actor.) I watched the episode with Mia again - Hope Davis is amazing. I have met the writer of Hope's storyline a few times, Jacqueline Reingold, and she is a fantastic writer. I also love Alison Pill.
Steve went out last night to visit his young Chilean friend Oscar and when I woke up around one a.m., he hadn't come home yet. I have to admit that freaked me out a bit. And I broke down and took a sleeping pill, so I wouldn't have to hear him when he came home. He arrived home ten minutes later and told me that he'd been with a group of Oscar's friends having a very intense discussion and all I will say about that is, when he woke up this morning at seven thirty, he looked like he had a pretty intense hangover and immediately went back to bed. We're all doing the best we can.
I just got out of the shower, did a few yoga stretches and had a few more thoughts to share.
One is that I don't actually love yoga - I have a love/hate relationship with it, as I do most physical activity. Love when I've done it, don't love every moment of doing it.
Two: I spent my day yesterday giving and receiving and it felt great. I spoke to my friend O who is dealing with her treatment for lymphoma and she is handling a very difficult time. She says that every day her friends call and check in on her and that she is also so grateful for their support.
And my final thought: I'm going to look at a studio apartment tomorrow and I realized that I love the idea of paring down to the basics. I don't need a lot of room - I need a room of my own.
My horoscope for today:
You and your friends and allies are working in perfect harmony today and any project you work on jointly should work out really well, especially if you're leading the way and keeping everyone informed.
Yesterday morning, I had that "knot in your stomach" feeling and I thought to myself, "Oh, I know this feeling. It's not good, but it doesn't last forever."
And between the swine flu and the economic fears and not knowing what's going to happen in the future, I do occasionally feel like crawling into bed, but honestly, not that much.
Yesterday, I went to the gym and did the elliptical trainer and then Steve (why did he have to be named Steve?) worked with me. To my friends who love yoga - I will do my best to get back to it. I love it too. I did realize how much I hate doing sit-ups and the plank, and squats, but I do like the massage Steve gives me after the work-out. It's very gentle and relaxing.
After the gym, I went to visit my mother. For anyone who's never read this blog, my mother is a character. She's 95, lives in a nursing home, is not looking too good (she was a very attractive woman), and she continues to flirt with any man (no matter his age) and curse anyone who annoys her. Anyway, I told her about what was happening and she said, "Oh, that is so hard. I pity you. But if you're not happy, you need to do what you want." Or something like that. She also said, "I lost a really good man." Which is rather ironic given that she spent, literally, every moment of their fifty-two year marriage yelling at him.
Later on I ran into a friend and said something like "...Well, we're living parallel lives that don't ever seem to intersect anymore. And he's very isolated and I feel very lonely..." And she continued, "Yes! Us too! And we have completely different world views and he won't even consider going to therapy, not alone, or with me and right now he's out of town and I am thrilled! It's like all the negative energy left the apartment and I feel free!" And then she expressed her fear of leaving him, worried that she would become a bag lady. This woman is a very successful author who is about to embark on a book tour. I have to admit, I have that fear too. But I figure if all else fails, I'll become a nanny, since I love babies.
My mood got dark later in the afternoon and I was able to cry with another friend. I think the good news is, feeling the feelings really does help, despite the recent studies that say maybe it's over-rated. For me, it helps. And then one more friend - who's dealing with hot flashes and sadness, so we had the perimenopause conversation. I told her about my play "Scrambled Eggs" and we laughed a lot and by the end of the day I felt pretty happy.
Last night, I caught up with "American Idol" (I do like to watch the last few weeks) and "In Treatment" (Gabriel Byrne...are you really as empathetic as you seem? Nah, you're just a good actor.) I watched the episode with Mia again - Hope Davis is amazing. I have met the writer of Hope's storyline a few times, Jacqueline Reingold, and she is a fantastic writer. I also love Alison Pill.
Steve went out last night to visit his young Chilean friend Oscar and when I woke up around one a.m., he hadn't come home yet. I have to admit that freaked me out a bit. And I broke down and took a sleeping pill, so I wouldn't have to hear him when he came home. He arrived home ten minutes later and told me that he'd been with a group of Oscar's friends having a very intense discussion and all I will say about that is, when he woke up this morning at seven thirty, he looked like he had a pretty intense hangover and immediately went back to bed. We're all doing the best we can.
I just got out of the shower, did a few yoga stretches and had a few more thoughts to share.
One is that I don't actually love yoga - I have a love/hate relationship with it, as I do most physical activity. Love when I've done it, don't love every moment of doing it.
Two: I spent my day yesterday giving and receiving and it felt great. I spoke to my friend O who is dealing with her treatment for lymphoma and she is handling a very difficult time. She says that every day her friends call and check in on her and that she is also so grateful for their support.
And my final thought: I'm going to look at a studio apartment tomorrow and I realized that I love the idea of paring down to the basics. I don't need a lot of room - I need a room of my own.
My horoscope for today:
You and your friends and allies are working in perfect harmony today and any project you work on jointly should work out really well, especially if you're leading the way and keeping everyone informed.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Dancing day two
My chest feels a bit tight and it feels like I'm riding on a roller coaster, but basically we're all doing okay.
This morning I got an email from a friend who left her marriage eight years ago and moved to Manhattan to start a new life. She said, "...and you're feeling up and down...yep! That's the way of it...joy, grief, exuberance, guilt, sadness, fear, and miracles...watch for them, Robin, because you are being surrounded by them."
Finding a place to live is going to be challenging, but I talked to a guy in my workshop at TAI and he rents out a beautiful big bedroom in his apartment on 117th Street and Central Park West just north of the park. He produces dance companies tours and is on the road a lot. According to his lease there are no pets allowed, but he said there are plenty of dogs in the building, so he's going to check into it. I would love to explore that neighborhood. We may have to split up the dogs, which would be very difficult. But two dogs makes finding a place harder.
I went to a surprise party last night for my dear friend Bella. (I doubt she's ever surprised anymore because she and her husband throw these parties for each other almost every year.) Anyway, at the party were several mothers I knew when Zoe was in elementary and middle school. It was interesting to talk with them about what they are doing with their lives now and how their relationships are going. One woman travels all over the world for her work and she says she loves her life, but is quite happy to rarely see her husband. She said he is always complaining about his health (and he's a doctor). Honest. Another spends half her time in California, also away from her spouse. And a third is quite thrilled with her life. She and her husband both became yoga enthusiasts and she teaches yoga. They also love to tango. I think I need to take some dance lessons, so I'm going to check into the studio she goes to. She said it can be very frustrating, when you don't get asked to dance and that might be a problem (flashbacks of junior high school.) But I'm putting dance classes on my to do list.
The party was a good distraction. I was thinking of not going, but my friend reminded me that you have to stick to your first commitments. I was so glad I went - Bella's store is gorgeous and will be opening soon. Fleurs Bella, 11th Street between University Place and Broadway. She is a genius.
Today I'm going to the gym for a personal training session (I got a good deal for five sessions) and then I'm going to see my mother. It's going to be a bumpy day!
This morning I got an email from a friend who left her marriage eight years ago and moved to Manhattan to start a new life. She said, "...and you're feeling up and down...yep! That's the way of it...joy, grief, exuberance, guilt, sadness, fear, and miracles...watch for them, Robin, because you are being surrounded by them."
Finding a place to live is going to be challenging, but I talked to a guy in my workshop at TAI and he rents out a beautiful big bedroom in his apartment on 117th Street and Central Park West just north of the park. He produces dance companies tours and is on the road a lot. According to his lease there are no pets allowed, but he said there are plenty of dogs in the building, so he's going to check into it. I would love to explore that neighborhood. We may have to split up the dogs, which would be very difficult. But two dogs makes finding a place harder.
I went to a surprise party last night for my dear friend Bella. (I doubt she's ever surprised anymore because she and her husband throw these parties for each other almost every year.) Anyway, at the party were several mothers I knew when Zoe was in elementary and middle school. It was interesting to talk with them about what they are doing with their lives now and how their relationships are going. One woman travels all over the world for her work and she says she loves her life, but is quite happy to rarely see her husband. She said he is always complaining about his health (and he's a doctor). Honest. Another spends half her time in California, also away from her spouse. And a third is quite thrilled with her life. She and her husband both became yoga enthusiasts and she teaches yoga. They also love to tango. I think I need to take some dance lessons, so I'm going to check into the studio she goes to. She said it can be very frustrating, when you don't get asked to dance and that might be a problem (flashbacks of junior high school.) But I'm putting dance classes on my to do list.
The party was a good distraction. I was thinking of not going, but my friend reminded me that you have to stick to your first commitments. I was so glad I went - Bella's store is gorgeous and will be opening soon. Fleurs Bella, 11th Street between University Place and Broadway. She is a genius.
Today I'm going to the gym for a personal training session (I got a good deal for five sessions) and then I'm going to see my mother. It's going to be a bumpy day!
Monday, April 27, 2009
In praise of sisterhood
I just want to say that somehow in the past six months, it feels like my life has changed dramatically in one significant way: my connection to women.
It's not that I haven't always appreciated and loved my women friends and respected their strength, it just feels that I am less afraid to really trust them. My relationships with women have sometimes had an underlying sense of competition, which I guess comes from my childhood with my sister. Recently though, I am so grateful for all the love and support I've been getting from women and I guess those feelings are changing.
Isn't interesting that no matter how old you get, you can always grow and improve.
It's not that I haven't always appreciated and loved my women friends and respected their strength, it just feels that I am less afraid to really trust them. My relationships with women have sometimes had an underlying sense of competition, which I guess comes from my childhood with my sister. Recently though, I am so grateful for all the love and support I've been getting from women and I guess those feelings are changing.
Isn't interesting that no matter how old you get, you can always grow and improve.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
A Susan Boyle a day
I just have to say that I have probably looked at the You Tube video of Susan Boyle at least ten times in the past ten days and I think that I should look at it every day. It just makes me so happy and so emotional. I love her. And I love the judges, I love that the videos have been viewed over fifty million times and I love that talent really does will out. (The exact quote was by Freddy Mercury: "talent will out, my dears.")
I love that it's never too late to go after your dreams.
I wish I could sing well, but I am grateful for whatever talents I do have. And I am happy that You Tube exists and we were able to see that amazing clip. And I love that no matter how many times I see it, it still makes me happy.
And I also have to add that today was the most beautiful, perfect day. I took a long walk through the city and saw cherry blossoms along with many other blossoming trees. And I had a delicious bittersweet chocolate ice cream cone and a really lovely day with friends. This week I have to get over to the Brooklyn Botanic Gardens to see the cherry blossoms and lilacs.
I love this time of year.
I love that it's never too late to go after your dreams.
I wish I could sing well, but I am grateful for whatever talents I do have. And I am happy that You Tube exists and we were able to see that amazing clip. And I love that no matter how many times I see it, it still makes me happy.
And I also have to add that today was the most beautiful, perfect day. I took a long walk through the city and saw cherry blossoms along with many other blossoming trees. And I had a delicious bittersweet chocolate ice cream cone and a really lovely day with friends. This week I have to get over to the Brooklyn Botanic Gardens to see the cherry blossoms and lilacs.
I love this time of year.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Loneliness of modern life
This morning I went searching in my drawer for one of those toothpick kind of things, the ones I got when I had to wear braces. These little picks attach to long handles and look like little pipe cleaners. Well, I didn't find the small plastic case they come in, which annoyed me, but I did find the following note, written in my handwriting (I don't remember writing it) and I don't even know who wrote it, but it sounds very much like Pema Chodron to me:
"When you wake up in the morning and out of nowhere comes the heartache of alienation and loneliness, could you use that as a golden opportunity? Rather than persecuting yourself or feeling that something terribly wrong is happening, right there in the moment of sadness and longing, could you relax and touch the limitless space of the human heart? The next time you get a chance, experiment with this."
I had that chance this very morning and after reading that paragraph, I felt quite a bit better.
"When you wake up in the morning and out of nowhere comes the heartache of alienation and loneliness, could you use that as a golden opportunity? Rather than persecuting yourself or feeling that something terribly wrong is happening, right there in the moment of sadness and longing, could you relax and touch the limitless space of the human heart? The next time you get a chance, experiment with this."
I had that chance this very morning and after reading that paragraph, I felt quite a bit better.
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