Pre-meditated: a spiritual path

Teddy Roosevelt

2012-02-06T07:54:00.000-05:00

This is one of my favorite quotes. It was sent to me by Steve Chandler, in one of his email blasts and I had to share it:

"It is not the critic who counts, nor the man who points how the strong man
stumbled or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit
belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust
and sweat and blood who strives valiantly ... who knows the great enthusiasms,
the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at best, knows
the triumph of high achievement; and who, at worst if he fails, at least fails
while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid
souls who know neither victory nor defeat."

~ Teddy Roosevelt

15 Minutes

2012-01-29T13:15:00.000-05:00

At the beginning of this year I was gifted two incredible sessions with a career coach, Rich Litvin. This came out of my connection to Steve Chandler, whose work I have often quoted in this blog.

Rich is one of Steve's associates and he is very smart and insightful (not to mention very handsome. I checked him out on Facebook.)

We had two long conversations to map out a simple plan for what I want to do this year and one of them is to write for a minimum of 15 minutes a day. It doesn't always have to be the writing project I'm working on, but it does have to be some kind of writing. And if I miss a day once in awhile, it's okay - it's just a commitment to do my best.

Last night, Lucy was sick and I had to walk her in the middle of the night, so I couldn't get up very early this morning, which is usually when I like to do my creative writing. I just came from Judson Memorial Church, where Abigail, my loftmate, gave a lovely sermon, so I thought I would write about that.

Abigail started with a story about her sister, Nancy, who works as a minister, at a maximum security prison for men in North Carolina. Recently, one of the inmates she really likes came into her office to make a phone call to his sick mother. Just as Nancy was dialing the phone, the inmate decided it was a good time to unzip his fly and show her his penis. Nancy told Abigail later that day that she felt worn out, sick and tired of trying to be a minister, of trying to do good - she was angry and fed up. She said she felt like the story in the Bible about God and Jeremiah. I guess Jeremiah was a big whiner to God and God also whined back to him, telling him he was fed up with being God-like (or something like that.) Abigail spoke about the hardships of life, the challenges. When we're young it feels like these are difficult challenges to overcome, but when we're older sometimes they are about acceptance. (I think I threw that idea in.) She mentioned a phrase I particularly love "stronger in the broken places" and also Martin Luther King's quote, which is something like "Over the course of history, the arc of life (or time) bends towards justice." (I will ask Abigail for the exact quote.)

Judson Memorial has been in that location for something 150 years and the congregation, though small, feels like a real community. It has always been a place of social justice and liberal political action. At one point in the service, people get up and share about losses and ask for prayers through difficult times. It reminds me of all the gratitude for the communities I have in my life. Judson has been Abigail's lifeline and I enjoy visiting it, especially when she speaks and also when they have flash mobs. Today, one young woman asked for prayers for her grandfather. She said it was hard for her mother to be losing her father and she felt so sorry for her mom. I felt my eyes fill up with tears -- this is such a gift to me -- to feel empathy now, when for so many years I was emotionally closed down, locked up, afraid of feelings because there was just too much to deal with. Thanks to Friends In Deed in particular, and having safe places to share my feelings and feel held and supported, it's become a great joy to feel alive.

I also realized that after being in therapy for so many years, I have stopped going to see my therapist. This began when I started dancing. I still stay in touch with Mike now and then with an email, I totally value his input in my life, but mostly I'm dancing and living my life. And writing - 15 minutes or so a day. I feel joy from dancing, it's truly changing my life.

Another thing Rich said to me, for this coming year: "Do what you love."

Becoming happier

2012-01-15T16:05:00.001-05:00

I got an email today from a friend who wrote: "I'm glad to read that you are becoming happier, and (I) miss the more frequent blogs posts from the past." I guess it's true that for a long time, I wrote about the day to day "suffering" and how I was getting through it and now that I truly am happier, I don't have as much to write (whine) about. I tried not to whine, but sometimes I think I just had to.

Anyway, I am happier and I credit dancing. We watched the Japanese film, "Shall We Dance" the other night and I loved it. I'd seen it when it first came out and I loved it then too. I related to the Japanese accountant who was feeling little joy in his life despite having everything he always wanted - a good marriage, a daughter, a wonderful home - but he discovered dancing and became obsessed with it. Last night, I went to a dance at the JCC (Jewish Community Center) and had a ball. I was talking to a woman who told me she started dancing when she lost her husband and it helped so much with the grief, she now wishes she could dance all the time. She's been studying for five years and was very good! I look forward to every Thursday night and if there's a dance, or a special one night class, I take it and I've learned so much in just two and a half months, I can't believe it.

The interesting news my friend told me in his email is that recently he'd met a woman he really likes. Years ago we both talked about going on Match.com and how frustrating it is. Turns out he didn't have to -- he was fixed up by a co-worker, the woman's daughter! I guess that just shows you, you never know what life has in store and you might as well enjoy each day and do what you love and make the best of your life as it is. I am so happy for him, I really hope that the relationship continues - he sounds so excited. Yay! Becoming happier...it's a lovely thing. I'm grateful that for today, despite the fact that it's freezing out, and there's still so much to be sad about in the world - I can appreciate all the blessings in my life.

"Getting hooked"

2012-01-14T09:33:00.001-05:00

Yesterday, just as I was getting on the subway, I glanced at my iPhone and saw an email from Abigail, my loftmate, which said "Certified letter." There was no body to the email just the subject, because my phone didn't have any signal. I sat on the subway for ten minutes wondering what the letter could be about.

I came home and read the letter (it really doesn't matter what it was about - let's just say it wasn't great and it had to do with money, always something that is upsetting.) I read it, then took my eye pads (I'll have to share the story about going to the eye doctor to get contact lenses and as a method of increasing moisture, taking a pair of socks, filling them with rice, heating them, and putting them over my eyes every day...but that's another story) and I rested.

I decided, since I couldn't read with the eye pads over my eyes, to listen to a download of a Pema Chodron talk. I found it on my computer and the talk began where I had left off six months ago: enlightenment. She said that no one she had ever heard of had ever really reached "enlightenment" - that is a place where they felt completely at peace with the world. She said even the most enlightened teachers still have moments when they get angry, or get 'hooked" by something, but that the more we practice meditation and have tools, we find that so many of the things in life that used to drive us crazy, no longer have that power.

That is what I felt about that certified letter. I didn't feel nothing, I just felt "okay, well, this is something to deal with." This is such a huge shift for me. I admit that I used to be and can still occasionally be a bit of a drama queen, but now I have tools and I know that I can always make a call to a good friend (which is what I did earlier in the day yesterday when I was having trouble with a real estate deal) or go for a walk, or listen to a tape, or go to the gym, or do yoga, or get a neck massage (I did that Thursday). Dancing is also a great way for me to let go of everything that has hooked me during the day.

I wonder if the Buddha ever did swing dancing?

Seriously, what is it with me and fun?

2012-01-08T17:32:00.000-05:00

There's a curious saying in Alanon (the 12 Step Program that's about being obsessed - or "addicted" to taking care of others) that when you "recover" and stop focusing on fixing other people, you actually have the time for a hobby. I don't know that I've ever really had a "hobby" -- there are things I like to do: bike ride, read, go hiking, take long walks, travel, try new restaurants. I don't know if any of them would qualify as hobbies - but recently, after many years of talking about it - I decided to sign up for dance lessons.

First I thought of tango, because I had a date with a tango instructor and he told me I was good, that I could pick up the steps quickly. I decided to go for swing dancing first, because that seens a bit easier and I had already studied it a few years ago.

Now that I'm no longer a caregiver for my mother, or a full-time parent, or wife, I have found this outlet for myself that is really challenging and fun. I've been taking classes now for almost two and a half months. I can't believe how much I've learned -- and after going to a big swing dance the other night with two live bands and watching so many really GREAT dancers, I realize I have so much more to learn. I loved that the people there were 18-80. They were all sizes and shapes and danced in so many different variations of Lindy, Swing, etc, I don't even know all the different styles.

I met one of my dance partners there, Rob, he was in the first class I took and we danced together for awhile, practicing what we'd learned. After he left, I danced with some other men I've met who are from the more advanced classes. They taught me moves and I taught them a few things I've learned. I am so grateful for this new "hobby" - it's frustrating sometimes, and when I see the really great dancers I know that I can never be that good, but I just enjoy dancing, and practicing, and I guess it's really too soon to call it a real hobby, but it's a good start.

Considering it's January, and it's an election year, and the world remains a mess, to have something that actually gives me pleasure each time I step out on the dance floor feels like such a blessing. I can forget, for at least that hour or so, that the problems in the world are too overwhelming and focus on learning how to do a dip, a yoyo, or a barrel step.

Stillness/silence

2012-01-01T16:34:00.000-05:00

It occurred to me just now, after reading an Op-ed in the Times today about stillness, that this blog began as an exploration into meditation and I haven't written much about that in a long time.

Life got in the way and it became more about grief and the Friends In Deed mantra: "the only way out is through." Well, one of their mantras. Another one is: "the quality of our lives is not determined by the circumstances."

I am still meditating although lately it's been pretty difficult and I'm not sure why. My mind seems to be wandering more and thoughts keep intruding. I guess that's always been true, but maybe because this year so much more has happened, I've been much busier with work and writing, it feels harder to just be quiet. I am happy to report that this morning I went for a long walk by myself along the Hudson River and spent time just enjoying the river and the quiet. For me now, stillness is not just about sitting in the morning in meditation, it's about taking the time during the day, as often as I can, to just be quiet and not talking on my phone or checking emails.

I like to try to focus on my breath and allow myself the luxury of sitting in silence. It is a gift really, to take that time and appreciate how quiet it can be, even in the heart of New York City.

Goodbye 2011

2011-12-31T17:45:00.000-05:00

I just wrote a long blog post about the end of 2011 - and somehow it got lost. So I will sum it all up in just a few words: wow, what a year! For me personally, I got back on my feet, I earned money, I had a lot of fun times, two great readings of my play, writing almost every day, and I started dancing again.

For the world, it has been very challenging. Arab Spring, the earthquake and tsunami in Japan, the wars and violence that continue all over the world, OWS, the economies all over the world - let's hope that in 2012 life gets better.

Zoe's coming!

2011-11-29T08:33:00.000-05:00

I forwarded Zoe an airlines' discount special and she immediately decided to come for three weeks. In December.

Whooohooo! So excited. And I know she will be busy seeing her own friends and keeping her own hours (the opposite of mine, I'm an early riser), so it probably will be challenging. I'm glad that the holidays this year will be with family and maybe we'll even see my sister and her family. Talk about challenging!

One day at a time.

Just living

2011-11-28T08:06:00.000-05:00

I guess I've been quiet these days because I've been busy and living life and working on a book. My meditation practice continues - imperfectly. The holidays were remarkably stress-free and relaxing. I can't wait for Christmas and New Year's. The play is moving forward. I watched the documentary about Woody Allen on American Masters and learned something I never knew about him - that doing stand-up was torturous for him at first, because he was so shy, but he persevered.

I am not looking forward to winter - except that it's the time of year I really get to read as many books as I can. I also signed up for a swing dancing class last month and it was the highlight of my week. It will continue in December.

I am thinking about my friend who is going through a difficult period with cancer. After radiation, they put him on an oral treatment, which has been exhausting. I'm praying for him to get through all of this and to start feeling better soon. He's had tremendous support from his sons and many of his close friends.

Occupy Wall Street seems to have entered a different phase now that the city has cleared Zuccotti Park. I'm not sure how the work will continue, but I do think that it has at least changed the conversation and hopefully, will affect our next election.

Food poisoning?

2011-11-21T11:00:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I got hit with something, I'm not sure what it was, but it might have been food poisoning. I'd been feeling fine and the day before I ate really badly (for me). I had a hamburger (medium rare, had to send it back to be cooked more), french fries, ice cream, mushroom soup (very creamy), and an almond croissant. That is not a typical day of eating for me, I usually try to have salads and vegetables. But the next morning I woke up and I was nauseous and completely lethargic. All I can say is, if I hadn't had a loftmate to help me, I don't know what I would have done.

Gratitude for friends! It passed this morning and I feel much better. Note to self: watch what you eat.

Lucy with the smile

2011-11-06T19:07:00.001-05:00

I have written often about the loss of Lola last winter. But I am lucky to still have my beloved Lucy, who is 16 1/2 years old. She has been with me for the past 12 years and I love her.

Lola was a character, Lucy is a great pal. I think she's suffered as much as we did when Lola died. She seemed very lost for a long time. She follows me around a lot in the loft, something she never did when Lola was alive. I think she may feel lonely when she is left alone now. But she runs down the hall from the elevator to our loft like she's a Greyhound and it's hard to believe she's as old as she is.

Life would be much sadder without our beloved animals. Here is Lucy, this past August, in Fort Greene Park. People often comment that it looks like she's smiling. That was the first thing I noticed about her, when I saw her photo on the internet.

Dark Nights of the Soul

2011-11-03T08:47:00.002-04:00

I have been working on a book about loss (it's actually - hopefully - got plenty of humor) - but I've been looking for quotes about difficult times. Some of them I find in this blog and this one may have appeared, but I think it's worth repeating. This is yet another of the books I've read in the past two and a half years that helped me enormously: Dark Nights of the Soul, by Thomas Moore.

"Many people think that the point in life is to solve their problems and be happy But happiness is usually a fleeting sensation, and you never get rid of problems. Your purpose in life may be to become more who you are and more engaged with the people and the life around you, to really live your life. That may sound obvious, yet many people spend their time avoiding life. They are afraid to let it flow through them, and so their vitality gets channeled into ambitions, addictions, and preoccupations that don't give them anything worth having. A dark night may appear, paradoxically, as a way to return to living. It pares life down to its essentials and helps you get a new start."

Yet another good quote that reminds me that these past few years have actually been some of the best of my life. And if anyone is going through a difficult time - remember it won't last forever and the lessons may be painful, but ultimately, they will help to re-order your life in "wondrous ways." (Cy O'Neal, Friends In Deed.)

Another corner

2011-11-02T08:29:00.000-04:00

November 2, 2011. Last night I went to see my old therapist, Mike Eigen, and to tell him what has been going on in my life It's kind of like a check-up, a tune-up - a quick "this is where I am and what's happening" and it feels so good to see him.

Life feels so much better than it did two years ago. I have to get a biopsy on my breast soon which I am not looking forward to. Work remains an exercise in problem solving. I haven't met the love of my life. I'm still lonely some days. Lucy, my beloved beagle, is sixteen and a half, and though she runs down our hallway like a greyhound, she is constantly getting urinary tract infections.

I worry about our country, the next election, the world, the mess it's all in. I feel uplifted by Occupy Wall Street and the change in conversation we seem to be having.

I am grateful. I like the people I work with. I like that I have time each morning to write. I am hopeful that my play will have a life, but if it doesn't, that's okay too. I'm grateful that I got to see my daughter last month in beautiful San Francisco and spend some time with her and her friends. I'm grateful that I am going to Miami next weekend with my Mama Gena friends. I walked through Central Park late yesterday afternoon and the leaves haven't barely begun to change.

Just when I feel like I've turned a corner, another one presents itself. I like the metaphor of riding the waves. Sometimes they are perfect and challenging, thrilling to ride. And sometimes I wipe out. Right now, it feels like the waves are fine. It's a beautiful autumn day and I am just so grateful for so many good things in my life and for the opportunity to be of service.

"Beautiful People" by Elizabeth Kubler Ross

2011-10-30T10:09:00.001-04:00

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."

Life today

2011-10-20T08:31:00.001-04:00

Last night, I was watching "The Daily Show" and clips from the Republican debate. What can you say about these debates other than you wish these people were running for office in another country? Some country whose name you can't pronounce, preferably on another planet.

I've been to Occupy Wall Street a few times, marched, I'm glad that they have have managed to change the conversation from what it was a few months ago (the debt ceiling) to jobs and the issue of money and inequality, but it's hard not to feel incredibly hopeless about how we are going to fix the mess we're in.

I'd like to make this blog funnier. I'm grateful that people like Jon Stewart, Bill Maher and Steven Colbert can find humor in the political scene. I am still reeling from seeing "Miss Representation" - the documentary about women in our culture, the way we are portrayed, the lack of power we have even though we are 51% of the population. I'd love to be able to laugh more, which brings me to news about my play, it is moving along. As Robert at Friends In Deed says, "...totally committed, completely unattached." I hope SE gets to have a production and at this point, it's out of my hands. I'm so grateful for all the people who are working so hard and having meetings to get it up.

We need to laugh. We need to remember what's important and sit quietly with all the feelings. I always try to fight the sadness rather than embrace it. I'm sad that so many people all over the world are struggling.

Pema Chodron says in our meditation practices we can "breathe in suffering and breathe out God." So that's what I try to do every morning in my imperfect practice. I don't know if that helps anyone other than me, but it's good to remember.

No gym, no good

2011-10-19T21:10:00.000-04:00

I put my gym membership on hold for a month after I heard someone say, "You don't need to go to the gym, you just need to do fast walking." But somehow for me, getting to the gym, giving myself 30 minutes of cardio and fifteen or so minutes of yoga and sit-ups, really changes my mood.

The freeze is up on October 21st. I can't say that I jump out of bed and race to the gym, excited about hitting the treadmill or the elliptical trainer. But I can say that once I'm there and I'm exercising and especially once I'm finished, I feel so much better.

Lesson learned. Save on lunches, save on coffee, don't skip the gym.

San Francisco favorite frames

2011-10-14T09:39:00.003-04:00

I just came back from spending six days with my daughter, Zoe, in San Francisco. One of my favorite tools from Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts is to talk about "favorite frames/moments" of an experience, so that's what I will do:

- Arriving in San Francisco airport and trying to find Zoe, while we both talked on our phones and then turned around and saw her and we both cracked up
- The greatest first hug
- Walking around the city with Zoe and talking, talking, about everything and everyone
-Going to the movies (one of our favorite pastimes. We saw "50/50" - which we both loved)
-Surviving Fleet Week and the Blue Angels as their fighter jets swooped down over the city practically giving us heart attacks - especially when we were in a cab and the driver screamed
-Wandering through the Western Addition and finding Hayes Valley, which felt like an oasis with a big park filled with parents and their kids
-Watching Zoe's delight upon entering Isotope, a terrific comic book store
-Walking into a beautiful charcuterie a few doors down from Isotope and discovering one of Zoe's former co-workers, Nathan, behind the counter
-Going to Alanon meetings in San Francisco and meeting so many lovely people
-Meeting Wayne, a high school friend, who showed me around the Castro (we saw Harvey Milk's old photography store and Delores Park, as well as the Castro Theater)
-Having a fantastic lunch with Eric, the person who hired me to work at the Corcoran Group and a total sweetheart. He moved out to San Francisco for his partner's new job and is adjusting to moving back home, after enjoying life in NYC
-Visiting It's A Grind with and without Zoe
-Great meals with Zoe at her favorite restaurants and more walking
-The Nook, a great place for reading and drinking coffee
-Hanging out with Zoe's roommates and Ian and Natalia
-Sleeping in the same bed the morning I left because the couch was finally just too uncomfortable
-A long goodbye hug
-Driving to the airport and seeing some beautiful scenery on the way - remembering what I do love about California, nature, the hills, the sky, the ocean

It was a more challenging trip this time, since last year I went with my friend Karen and Christian was also there. But this time I really made the effort to get to know the city better, to meet people and to spend more time on my own, as well as with Zoe. It was fantastic. It was a delight. I miss Zoe but I am so proud of the life she's made there. When I moved out to Los Angeles in my early 20's I felt so lonely. Zoe seems to have adjusted well and created a wonderful community.

It was hard being away from New York while Occupy Wall Street continues to grow and San Francisco's efforts to find a place to camp have been prevented by the mayor, but it was a wonderful visit and I look forward to seeing Zoe again soon. And now I can go back to marching and it feels great to be home.

Truly, the best of times (and the worst too)

2011-10-02T09:47:00.002-04:00

In the past two and a half years, I lost everything that I thought was well, everything. I lost my daughter to California, 3,000 miles away. I lost my 23 year marriage. I lost my mother. I lost my home. I lost my job. Recently, I lost my beloved dog, Lola.

And as hard as these past two and a half years have been, they have also been an incredible growing experience, unlike anything I have ever experienced.

Perception, that is the key. Sometimes, I have felt that I couldn't go on, that life was too difficult.

Most of the time, I am filled with gratitude for having had a spiritual awakening, a shift in perception of my circumstances, a re-evaluation of what is really important to me - my daughter, my friends, my writing, my job, my faith - that is what has kept me together. Being of service and showing up, being more empathetic and grateful for simple things in life.

I lost something else, about 15 pounds. "The Divorce Diet" - I wouldn't recommend it as a way to lose weight, but it definitely was one of the perks.

I read an amazing chapter yesterday in Steve Chandler's book "Time Warrior" and here is the last part of the chapter:

"...whenever something comes crashing down something else can start building up. And that's where I want my mind to go. What's good about this? What's great about this? What strengthens me? What can make me better?

Here's a fresh option of perception: These are good times because they are challenging, not in spite of the fact that they are challenging. These times are my wake-up call. This is where I get my true strength. This where where I find out what I am made of. Who would not want to find out what they are made of?"

Two years ago tomorrow, October 1, 2009

2011-09-30T20:17:00.000-04:00

I mentioned that sometimes I look back at where I was a couple of years ago, to see how far I've come.

This post was quite striking - it was titled "Cafe Metro and the God of Carnage."

What a difference two years make. I'm back in Manhattan, I'm working and so happy to feel that my life is at least about being of service and being productive. My play is moving along - who knows if anything will happen, but it's great that people are working on getting it up. I've dated some very nice men. I'm dealing with life - some days are challenging and some days are easy, but I am filled with gratitude for how far I've come. I don't cry in restaurants.

October 2, 2009

Yesterday was a productive day as I continued packing and occasionally checking in on Facebook. There was a good debate going on among people I don't know, regarding the Senate finance committee's rejection of the public option. I enjoyed reading their comments as I sorted through old boxes of tax records. (Later on, I watched the Daily Show and continued to be amazed at how ineffectual the Democrats are in governing with a majority of votes in Congress. You'd think it was 1994 when the Republicans took over both houses and Newt Gingrinch was in charge. It's so depressing really - what is wrong with them??)

Anyway, in the late afternoon I went to a meeting of freelance people and we talked about work. After the meeting, a friend of mine said to me, "Wow, you look fantastic! Radiant." A couple of months ago, my friend Mia told me,"Tragedy becomes you."

Maybe it's the release of so many emotions and the stress that taking care of my mother has been on me for so many years. I appreciated the compliment and I was in a good mood. A friend of mine gave me her ticket to see "God of Carnage" last night, because she has a bad cold. The cast is James Gandolfini, Marcia Gay Harden, Hope Davis and Jeff Daniels. I was excited about seeing the play and just before I went to the theater I stopped at one of those ubiquitous cafes that are all over the city, I think it was Cafe Metro, or maybe it was Cafe Europa, on 7th Avenue between 31st and 32n Streets. I ordered a small vegetable and rice soup and sat alone at a table. It was close to seven p.m. and it was dark out already, and as I sat in the cafe eating my soup, I suddenly started to cry.

I can't tell you how many times I've eaten alone at one of those cafes. But suddenly the combination of knowing that winter is coming and it's so dark and cold (last night was particularly cold), and feeling unrooted, missing my family, worrying about the dogs, knowing that soon Steve and I have to sit down with the lawyers, all of that hit me and I couldn't stop crying. I didn't make a scene, I just quietly sat there trying to eat the vegetable and rice soup. I called my dear friend Lisa and couldn't reach her, so I left a message. Within two minutes she called me back from the checkout line at Whole Foods.

Lisa went through a divorce about ten years ago and her advice always is: you have to go through the pain to get past it. And it will get better, much better - eventually - but not until time has passed and you've processed the feelings.

I felt much better talking to Lisa, finished the soup and walked uptown through Times Square to the theater. I met a woman I'd never met before, my friend Barbara's friend, Robin. She was very easy to talk to and loves to go swing dancing, so we agreed to go out together to dance.

The play was about two married couples who meet to discuss their young sons - one of them hit the other with a stick, knocking out two front teeth. Within half an hour they're all arguing and it's clear that both marriages have serious problems. James Gandolfini delivers a speech about marriage, about the difficulties inherent in sharing a life with someone, raising kids, coping with losses, and aging parents, and all the crises that come up over the years. I have written similar speeches over the years myself. I didn't love the play, the characters were all basically unsympathetic, but I definitely related to the subject and it was a true pleasure watching excellent performances.

I thought about Pema Chodron quite a bit last night, as I was feeling all the emotions and I knew that just having them, and allowing them to move through me, is exactly where I need to be right now. Things are falling apart... and they are also slowly coming together.

As a footnote, yesterday, my mother's former aide, Janis, was visiting in the building for Rosh Hashanah. I had suggested that she work for my upstairs neighbor's mother and it has all worked out so well. It was difficult for me to see Janis, after so many years of spending weekends with her and my mom. But it was great too. And I'm so happy that she is working with a lovely woman who adores and appreciates her.

Dancing with what is

2011-09-30T08:46:00.000-04:00

Last night, at 1:30 am, Lucy, my 16 year-old beagle had to go out for a walk. This rarely happens, but it means something is wrong and I will probably have to take Lucy back to the vet.

The other day, on my way to work, something told me to go to the vet to buy Lucy some of her special dog food. I didn't really feel like going that morning, but my feet seemed to take me there. I walked into the animal hospital and there was one person sitting in the waiting area, a very dear friend of mine. She was there to put her cat, Dash, down. They were putting in the catheter. I haven't seen my friend in almost a year, other than on Facebook, even though we live across the street from each other. Our kids were friends since they were 3 years-old. We have been through many life events together, loss of parents, divorces, all kinds of changes. We were together at the gym when the first plane flew into the World Trade Center. Our families marched together with candles after 9.11.

I stayed until Dash was euthanized and we walked back to SoHo together, talking about loss and life. It was beshert, as they say in Hebrew, or Yiddish, or whatever language it is. It was meant to be.

We dance with what is in life - make the best of sometimes really difficult situations. For me, literally dancing, putting on music and letting myself dance, has been a lifesaver. A life changer. It changes our outlook on life when we move our bodies. My life changed dramatically when I started dancing again.

Some days, I don't feel like dancing. Most days, in fact. But running on the treadmill with music accomplishes the same thing for me. My body and my mind shift gears. Yoga does this for me too, I think I'll put on some music and dance and then do a little yoga. I'm tired and worried about Lucy, but I think it will help if I can let myself dance with what is...my sixteen year-old dog is not feeling well and that makes me sad. But it's just life. Dash was 18 years-old. She had a good, long life. She was loved.

Coffee as an antidote to depression

2011-09-27T09:13:00.000-04:00

The New York Times reported yesterday that women who drink coffee are less likely to be depressed. This is news? Coffee got me out of bed and moving for years. I didn't drink it for many years and a couple of those years I was extremely depressed.

Don't Buddhist monks drink green tea all the time? Caffeine is the most addictive psycho-active drug in the world. According to the article, "further research studies will be needed to understand caffeine's affects." Why don't they just drink a cup? And save the hundreds of thousands of dollars that will be wasted on more studies? And why don't they talk about men? Men drink just as much coffee as women.

I'm going to San Francisco next week to visit my daughter, who used to work in a coffee house. I will do my own studies there, since there are coffee houses on almost every corner.

Happiness

2011-09-26T15:16:00.001-04:00

Maybe it's because I am going to visit my daughter next week, or maybe it's because after many days of rain and clouds, the sun is shining - whatever the reason, I am feeling happy today.

It's not that I don't often feel happy, I just don't write about it very often. Maybe it's because there are a group of young people downtown protesting near Wall Street and it makes me happy that this young generation is finally taking the stage.

I also feel encouraged about our President, who seems to finally be acting like the person we elected - standing up to the Republicans and the Tea Party. Sometimes it feels like the only people who have the courage of their convictions are people like Jon Stewart, Michael Moore and Bill Maher.

I am not happy that there are so many problems in this world. But for this moment, as I look out the window and see the sun shining and beautiful light - and I know that in just a couple of hours I will be riding my bicycle along the river - I feel grateful for my life. Being alive is a great gift.

Reorganizing

2011-09-24T09:25:00.001-04:00

Sometimes, when I haven't written in awhile, I like to look back to where I was two years ago and see how far I've come. (Or not.)

I have been feeling a bit blue lately and my first thought was, "Well, you're not married anymore, so you should feel relieved and happy! And free!" And a part of me does feel that, but also a part of me recognizes that my ex was not the cause of my unhappiness, really no one else is responsible for my moods but me. I am responsible for myself and therefore there is no one to blame or criticize (not even myself.) When I looked back this morning, I read this quote from Pema Chodron:

"The first noble truth says that if you are alive, if you have a heart, if you can love, if you can be compassionate, if you can realize the life energy that makes everything change, and move and grow and die, then you won't have any resentment or resistance. The first noble truth says simply that it's part of being human to feel discomfort."

So I accept that I feel some discomfort today. And I also acknowledge how far I've come from two years ago and how grateful I am for everything - all the difficulties and all the accomplishments. I won't list them, I'll simply say it's been a period of reorganizing. In a grief workshop I went to two years ago (you can look back at that blog post, which was in October 2009) the leader of the workshop talked about different periods of grief (other than the Elizabeth Kubler-Ross model) - and the final stage was reorganization. That is where it feels I am today.

And although the country and the world is in no better shape (well, actually worse in many ways) I feel encouraged that there are some interesting people showing up, including Elizabeth Warren, who talks about truths and ideas for the economy that make sense. My hope is that Wall Street will be held accountable for their part in the mess we're in. Is this dreaming? No, I don't think so. I think we are slowly starting to wake up from the past thirty years of policies that have almost ruined our country - and that now we will make changes, we will get mad as hell, and I feel hopeful that the stage we are moving into as a nation is "reorganization."

A message from Kabbalah

2011-09-19T08:33:00.000-04:00

Every morning I receive emails from some spiritual source or another and today I read one from Yehuda Berg, who write about Kaballah.

He wrote about negativity and it seemed so perfect for what I have been going through recently, I thought I would share it:

"One of the greatest things we can learn from Kabbalah is how to pass through the pain of life without suffering.

The Zohar explains that pain purifies and removes the shells of negativity (klipot) that surround our inner Light, and that suffering is resistance to this pain. The klipot are created by our negative deeds, and they cover and limit our spiritual development. They are barriers between us and the Light.

We often approach our daily lives with the mindset of avoiding pain at all costs. And the moment we do feel it, we immediately look for ways to anesthetize ourselves. The Zohar teaches that by resisting the pain, we are only creating bigger problems for ourselves in the future. Pain is transitory but suffering sticks around and keeps us stuck.

With klipot constantly clinging to us—these negative shells make it hard for us to grow and change. But if we want to go to our next level in spiritual awareness, love, friendships, career, we need to go through the painful process of separating ourselves from our klipot. And we separate ourselves from our klipot every time we put our all into a job and it fails, every time someone we love goes away, every time our trust is broken—in other words, every time we take a risk and get hurt.

Contrary to what it feels like in the moment, pain is actually a sign that something good is on the way. Think about painful moments in your past. Does what I am writing ring true for you?

This week, it’s important to remind ourselves that the pain is good—it’s our klipot cracking. And once this separation heals, we will be stronger, healthier and one step closer to our true fulfillment."

Mornings

2011-09-16T08:16:00.000-04:00

For some reason, I've always found mornings to be my worst time of day. Some mornings are fine -- this morning, for example, even though it's really cold out and I am not happy about that, I feel great.

But many mornings are very challenging for me. I wake up with a sense of gloom and I really have to pull myself out of it. I know I'm not unusual, many people feel that way in the mornings and I've heard of others say around 3 pm they start to get depressed.

I don't know how anyone can not be depressed these days. I'm glad that George Bush is no longer our President, but the world is a mess, politics are disgusting, hundreds of thousands of innocent lives have been lost in the past ten years, the economy is...okay, now I'm probably depressing anyone who might be reading this.

Somehow, despite these feelings of despair, every morning I meditate and yesterday, when I was feeling really sad, I suddenly remembered Pema Chodron's words to "lean into whatever you're feeling" so I did. I said, "I feel really depressed. I just want to stay in bed." And then I meditated, read, went to the gym, made a few calls to friends who are going through difficult times and by 10 am, the feelings past. Like clouds in the sky, they seem to always move. It's an interesting business, life. I want to feel that what I am doing is of service and I'm not quite feeling that these days. But I show up and do my best and trust that I will find my way.

I just finished a new draft of "Scrambled Eggs" (I still hate the title) and now I feel that it's so much closer to where it should be. So this morning, when I woke up, I didn't feel any despair. I felt cold, but happy.

Nightmares

2011-09-12T08:03:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was a difficult day. I was walking up Broadway in the 70's and I heard bagpipes. It brought me back to that period after 9/11 where there were constant funerals and you frequently heard bagpipes. The ceremony was at Engine House #25 on the upper west side. I saw all the firemen (I didn't see any women at this firehouse) wearing their dress uniforms. It was very moving.

The whole day seemed very sad and I still can't believe ten years have passed.

At night, I got a text message from my neighbor, Barbara, that there were seats available at a screening of the Bill Cunningham NY film at the Crosby Street Hotel, so I ran over to see it (again) and afterward the filmmakers discussed the making of the film. That was a good diversion from the day. Bill Cunningham has never seen this wonderful film about him.

I woke up this morning around 4:45 am from a nightmare about my dog, Lucy, dying. She's 16 and she's definitely starting to look her age. My father was in the dream, he and I were in the vet's office and I had to leave the room. He came to tell me that Lucy had died.

Since our dreams are supposed to be about ourselves...was it a part of me that died? I'm not sure.

My other neighbors, Louise and Charley, lost one of their beloved dogs two weeks ago. His name was Truman and he was a very sweet dog and only 4 years old.

I'm learning how to sit with the feelings and this week I feel some dread about life and work. But I also know that I need to stay in this one day and not worry about the future.

And right now, Lucy is sleeping nearby, and I am so grateful that she is still in my life. On 9/11, when we went out to pick up our daughter, Zoe, from school in the midst of that nightmare, we didn't know if we would ever see Lucy again. Ten years later, almost everything in my life has changed, but Lucy is still here with me. I love her so much, we've been through a lot together, including losing Lola. I think I'll go give her a big hug and a kiss. And then I'll take her out for her walk. The sun is shining, it's going to be a good day.

9/11/11

2011-09-11T06:28:00.001-04:00

I don't believe that there are any words that I can write that will have much meaning, I think that the images of that day and probably the images that we'll see today will be far more moving than anything I can say.

I am angry that ten years later we have gone down a path that we should never have gone down and that rather than finding a way to communicate and come to some kind of peaceful co-existence in a very fragile world, we have only added violence to violence.

Some days I feel despair about the state of the world and then other days, when I think about the spiritual leaders who have come forward, like Eckhart Tolle and Pema Chodron, and the increased interest in meditation and prayer and non-violent communication, I think that maybe there is a growing movement for change and peace.

My personal life has changed dramatically since that beautiful summer day in September that turned into a nightmare. These past few difficult years for me have been an opportunity for spiritual growth. For the hundreds of thousands around the world who lost their loved ones senselessly, in wars and violence that never should have happened, I don't know how they have found their way through it.

I hope their lives have been transformed in wondrous ways - as often happens when catastrophes occur.

I know that some of them have found support through their connections with each other. I read somewhere recently, that crying with others around you is healing. I found that through Friends In Deed. I wish there were thousands of FIDs around the world.

Really, there are no words.

The difficult "C"

2011-09-07T13:56:00.000-04:00

I recently found out that a dear friend, a man who has been there for me so many times over the past eight years, has been dealing with cancer.

He's finished with radiation and they're certain it hasn't spread. It's next to a bone in his leg though and the radiation caused damage to the bone, so he is now living with some pretty intense pain, which makes it difficult to walk.

I just want to say how much I am praying for my friend. He's been a huge support to many people and now I hope we can all repay him in whatever way he will let us.

If anyone has suggestions about how best to be of service to someone who really resists asking for help, please let me know.

More awake in our lives - and laughing too

2011-09-06T07:54:00.002-04:00

"We sit in meditation so that we're more awake in our lives." Pema Chodron

Sometimes I just want to laugh and I need to laugh. If you haven't seen "Modern Family" - watch it. It is truly funny.

I know Ty Burrell, who is one of the stars of the show. He's one of the nicest people I've ever met and incredibly talented. I couldn't be happier for him - to be so successful in a role that no one else could play as well (at least in my opinion).

This very moment is the perfect teacher

2011-09-02T09:36:00.000-04:00

Last night, we watched Spielberg's documentary about 9/11 - at least two or three hours of it. It was so moving, so emotionally trying and so beautiful.

The title of the next chapter in "When Things Fall Apart" is this very moment is the perfect teacher. I was thinking about the anniversary of 9/11 - now ten years. I was remembering all the feelings of that day, with my ex-husband and my daughter, with our downtown community. I think I have never experienced anything as profound as that experience, other than giving birth to Zoe. It was quite a learning experience - mostly about the power of community, and going through difficult feelings, of friends and a city coming together. Of hatred and forgiveness and of feeling so out of control as our country moved in directions that felt so wrong to so many of its citizens. It feels like we've been shut down for these past ten years and maybe now that politics feel so out of touch with real life - now that we have a Tea Party and Republicans who are trying to destroy the middle class, maybe something will wake us all up.

It is quite uncomfortable but as Pema Chodron says, "feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually clear moments that teach us where it is we're holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we're rather collapse and move away."

To me, that is where this country is right now, collapsed and feeling hopeless. Maybe we need to really lean in and perk up. Maybe this anniversary of 9/11 will bring us back to life, to letting go of the grief and seeing the power of what can be done in the shadow of such a horrific event; life and art, incredibly difficult hard work and genius will be so evident in what they have created in such a sacred place.

Drowning

2011-08-31T08:49:00.001-04:00

One of the most important lessons I’ve had to learn, struggle with, accept – was something my therapist, Michael Eigen, always tried to teach me. I couldn’t get it for years. Then Buddhism and 12 Step rooms re-enforced the concept and now I still struggle with it, but I’m getting better at it. The lesson is to not fight whatever feelings are in me – to accept them – to welcome them. The more you fight them, the more they linger.

It is like drowning. When you fight the waves, when you struggle and exhaust yourself, you drown. When you relax into the water, when you find the moments you can breathe and trust that you will not drown, then you live. That was my experience in a rip tide when I was in my early 20’s. I was in Malibu, swimming on a beach with no lifeguards. I went out into the waves, confident, having grown up on Long Island beaches, and I experienced, for the first time, what a rip tide is. At first I was tossed around underwater and I was terrified. My first thought was “this is it. You are going to drown.” And my second thought was, “Do not panic. That is how people drown.” Since there was no one there who could save me, I had to do it on my own, I somehow managed to stay calm and not exhaust myself, and I lived. It was a lesson in trusting myself and that inner voice that knows the truth. I wish that I had remembered it all these years – it’s a good way to live. Quietly, listening to that voice.

Not the other voices, that are louder, and more critical. You’re doing it wrong, you’re a fuck-up, you’re going to make a mistake, you’re not good enough.

No. Just calm down and trust. That will be my mantra for today. Let’s see how it goes.

Gratitude today

2011-08-29T09:10:00.000-04:00

I couldn't let this morning pass without saying how grateful I am for getting through this past week - with its many challenges. First we had a 5.9 earthquake to deal with and although I didn't actually feel it, it definitely scared me! And before we had a chance to process that unusual occurrence, we had a serious hurricane bearing down on us.

I would say that the entire east coast deserves a break. This morning is so beautiful, bright blue skies and cool temperatures, it's a perfect day to be grateful for having survived a very intense week.

I have to admit, I was a bit scared about the hurricane and I definitely went stir crazy waiting - but I did quite a bit of de-cluttering and ate well (thanks to Nate, Abigail's son) and I read and went to the gym. I'm sorry that the storm caused so many problems, but hopefully we won't face anything like this past week again for another seventy or so years.

Thomas Wolfe on loneliness

2011-08-28T15:53:00.000-04:00

Since everything is shut down today, I've been de-cluttering. I found a book of quotations and read this wonderful quote by Thomas Wolfe:

"The whole conviction of my life now rests upon the belief that loneliness, far from being a rare and curious phenomenon, peculiar to myself, and to a few other solitary men, is the central and inevitable fact of human existence."

Sunday morning - Hurricane Irene aftermath

2011-08-28T10:34:00.001-04:00

New York and all the states seems to have really learned from Hurricane Katrina and their emergency plans were in place. Also, the hurricane really hasn't been much of a storm, at least not in the city. Outside of the city, it was terrible.

I was a little scared, I have to admit, but it was lovely to be here with Abigail and Nate. Nate cooked us a fantastic dinner, chicken tikka masala and dal.

We watched a rather odd film called "The Trip."

Here are some photos from a walk through SoHo this morning. The scaffolding on top of the Puck Building is leaning over the front of the building and Lafayette Street is blocked off to traffic. That was really the only damage I could see, other than some tree branches falling.

New York City was very lucky.

Getting closer

2011-08-27T09:10:00.000-04:00

As the hurricane makes its way up the coast, it is eerily quiet in NYC. All the stores in SoHo have signs saying, "Due to inclement weather, we will be closed Saturday and Sunday."

I think we're all trying to just stay calm and trust that the city has made the right emergency plans. It definitely feels today like the calm before the storm.

It's a good time to remember the Serenity Prayer, to read a good book, and to not watch the Weather Channel. I also hope to get motivated tomorrow to de-clutter and keep busy. How I will walk Lucy is going to be a challenge.

As my friend Nelle from Capetown, South Africa said this morning, "We'll just have to take it in our stride."

Hurricane watch

2011-08-26T20:46:00.002-04:00

A hurricane is making its way up the eastern seaboard. Abigail and I went grocery shopping today and we have more food in the loft than we've had in the two years I've lived here. I just made a delicious pasta with fresh mozzarella, tomatoes and basil. We have plenty of water, and ice cream. Hopefully we won't lose power.

It seems that the hurricane is being downgraded and probably won't be that bad - but I think it's great that the city has been preparing for it. I thought of my mother because she would have had to have been evacuated. I missed her - those feelings come up without warning, I just feel sad and miss having her to talk to.

All public transportation will be shut down by noon tomorrow. Soho will be deserted!! I'm hoping it is not a serious hurricane and it passes through with no damage and no loss of life.

Hit by a 2 x 4 - an epiphany

2011-08-25T09:17:00.001-04:00

I had a good realization early this morning, while meditating. It started yesterday, when I was having a difficult day. I was walking back from Tribeca, after showing a loft, and I was so exhausted I could barely make it back to my office. I called a friend and he told me his back was killing him and as we were talking, I passed a bed store. I said, "Oh, I think I'm going inside this bed store and lie down on a really comfortable bed." And he said, "Oh, the Hastens bed store? My friend is the manager there."

It turned out that the Hastens store was next to the other bed store, so I went inside the Hastens store, walked over to a bed and lay down on top of the bed. I felt like I was being held by the most loving arms. The saleswoman came over and we started to talk, she was so nice. Eventually I told her my tale of woe - we had one of these fantastically comfortable beds, got divorced, daughter left, yadayada, my litany of pain. She was so sweet, she said, "You know, we are having a sweepstakes to give away a bed, probably the one you had - you should enter! I bet you'll win!"

And then I tried the less expensive bed that I was surely going to win, and then I asked, which is the best bed in the store?

I tried the most expensive bed in the store, I won't even tell you the price - it's insane - okay, $90,000. I know, it's craaaaaaaaazzzzzzzzzy, but someone, like Oprah, surely has this bed. And honestly, I liked the first one better (that was only $19,000.) But anyway, the saleswoman said, "Here, let me turn down the lights over the bed and you relax for five minutes." We continued talking and she told me that her mom lives in Jamaica and she and her sister both live far away and how much her mother misses them. I got a bit teary, talking about Zoe, and also remembering how important it is for our kids to have their own lives, no matter where they chose to go. Somehow, the combination of resting and talking and a few tears, totally transformed my day. I was energized and able to go back to the office.

And then this morning, I was meditating and it hit me that 2009, the terrible, worst year of my life, was really in many ways, the best. It was the year that I lived the Serenity Prayer, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Before 2009 I said those words, I tried to believe those words, but after 2009 I started to really live them.

This morning I realized that now it's my responsibility to take each day and make the most of it, often simply by trusting my instincts about what to do. Sometimes I feel tired, or sad, or afraid, but by the end of every day, I have a feeling of acceptance.

In my reading today of "When Things Fall Apart," Pema Chodron writes about when she became the director of Gampo Abbey and all her delusions about what a great person she was - the golden girl, etc., were completely shattered. She eventually learned this lesson, "Love the truth of you on the spot."

I think that, like me, she appreciated the suffering she did that first year at Gampo Abbey, just as I have appreciated the changes these two years have brought me. They weren't all easy, but there were definitely many moments of laughter and some amazing gifts. They literally brought me to my knees, but the growth has been worth it.

"Nailed to the present moment"

2011-08-23T09:05:00.001-04:00

Today is Tuesday, August 23, 2011. It is 8:50 am, the weather is totally beautiful, not humid, not hot, a perfect day.

Today, Libya is in chaos. The rebels seems to be overthrowing the government, although there are still some questions about how they will manage to actually govern, if they do succeed in getting rid of Qadhafi.

The world economy remains in a tenuous state. There is fighting all over. There is illness and birth and great sadness, and memories of 9/11 as we get closer to the 10th anniversary. Today's weather reminds me of 9/11/01.

This is what I read today in "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron:

"The trick is to keep exploring and not bail out, even when we find out that something is not what we thought. That's what we're going to discover again and again and again. Nothing is what we thought. I can say that with great confidence. Emptiness is not what we thought. Neither is mindfulness or fear. Compassion - not what we thought. Love, Buddha nature. Courage. These are code words for things we don't know in our minds, but any of us could experience them. These are words that point to what life really is when we let things fall apart and let ourselves be nailed to the present moment."

Whatever we are feeling in the present moment, is good. Yesterday afternoon, I was feeling some discomfort and I didn't enjoy it. But I sat with it and then I had a conversation with a friend who had also had some difficult feelings during the day - and before too long, we were both laughing and somehow the feelings lifted. I remember saying, if I just let the feelings in and don't fight them, somehow they lift. After we hung up, I received an email thanking me for something I'd said in an earlier email and that totally lifted my spirits.

Today I will live in the present moment and experience whatever shows up. But first I will buy dog food.

Lesson from Kabbalah

2011-08-22T08:09:00.001-04:00

This morning I received a message from Yehuda Berg, a Kabbalah teacher, that I thought was worth sharing. I realized my spiritual path began years ago when I read the Tao de Ching, and it has encompassed so many different teachers, so I think it's important to share whatever message comes along that resonates for me:

If we are on a spiritual path, we are going to struggle. It’s not easy. It’s hard to let go of our fears, it’s hard to stop being jealous, it’s hard to constantly work on ourselves.

And the hardest part is seeing—seeing the true reality. How often have we looked back on a broken friendship or love relationship and thought to ourselves, “What did I see in that person?”

The truth is we don’t see. As it says in the Zohar, the main text of Kabbalah, “the eyes cannot comprehend everything.”

This is because we are trapped in the moment, trapped within the illusion of the five senses.

So what’s the answer? How do we get out of this trap?

We peel away the layers of our ego.

My father and teacher, Kabbalist Rav Berg, says our soul is like a lamp that we cover with blankets. Our ego nature conceals the Light within us. Me, me, me, me, me. “I can’t believe he said that to me.” “What will they think of me?” “Look at me, I am great.” “Look at me, I’m pathetic.”

Being constantly obsessed with ourselves prevents us from seeing what is really going on.

Only when we remove our ego, piece by piece, are we able to see the truth in situations and people.

The secret is to see others first and ourselves second. Only then can we have the merit to rise above the limitations of our five senses and turn on our sixth sense.

What exactly is the sixth sense? It is the ability to see something we’ve never seen before, to suddenly get the answer to questions we’ve been constantly asking.

After all, what is Kabbalah? It is learning to receive. And we receive not through the intellect, but through connecting to the Light.

This week, the forces of the universe are pushing us to see our purpose; to perceive that which normally eludes us. We are given an opportunity to see that which we are normally blind to, by simply letting go of our ego.

The following tools can help us to connect to this positive influence:

• Transformative sharing

• Getting out of the comfort zone

• Removing the agendas

And as always, scanning the Zohar and the 72 Names of God are our allies in our battle to experience the joy our Creator intended for us.

Try it—you’ll like what you see.

All the best, Yehuda

Fear, and more fear

2011-08-19T09:20:00.000-04:00

I imagine there's a way to look up how many times "fear" has appeared in the title of these blog posts. Many times, I am certain, would be the answer.

It's a constant, although not always acknowledged part of everyone's lives, I believe. And the more you try to live a more conscious life, the more you are aware of it. This doesn't mean it should stop you from taking risks and enjoying life, but it does mean you have to learn how to live with fear.

"Intimacy with Fear" is the title of the first chapter of "When Things Fall Apart."

"If we want to go beneath the surface and practice without hesitation, it is inevitable that at some point we will experience fear."

Yesterday we met with two general managers to talk about the play and where it should go next. It all sounded great - they are enthusiastic and interested and believe it has definite commercial potential. As our director says, "We have a lot of ducks to get in a row." Fortunately, we only need to get one duck at a time.

In Steve Chandler's book, "Time Warrior" he quotes Michael Jordan:

"I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost more than 300 games. Twenty-six times I've been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life...and that's why I succeed."

Last night, I found out from a dear friend that her husband has been in and out of the hospital much of the summer. I am thinking of her and praying for them both. I hope I can do more than that, but for right now, that's all I can do.

Chaos should be regarded as extremely good news

2011-08-18T09:17:00.000-04:00

In the reading this morning of "When Things Fall Apart," Pema Chodron's introduction to the book includes some quotes from Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche, her Buddhist teacher:

"Making friends with our own demons, and their accompanying insecurity leads to a very simple, understated relaxation and joy."

I really hope that someday, I can honestly say I've found this to work in my life. Right now, I am pretty far from the experience of "a very simple, understated relaxation and joy."

Rinpoche also gave her the instruction to relax and write. At the time, she never imagined that she would be able to. She has spent many years now doing just that - so I think that there is hope.

Her year of "doing nothing" in 1995, as she explains in the introduction, led her to one of her most important books, "When Things Fall Apart."

"If your life is chaotic and stressful, there's plenty of advice here for you. If you're in transition, suffering from loss, or just fundamentally restless, these teachings are tailor made. The main point is that we all need to be reminded and encouraged to relax with whatever arises and bring whatever we encounter to the path."

The first time I read the book, I was in transition. The second time I was suffering from loss. Now, I am just fundamentally restless. My life has moved forward in a very challenging way, but I am still feeling fear and discomfort sometimes. I think that this is life - and I am learning how to sit with it and not try to escape it.

The final quote:

"Chaos should be regarded as extremely good news."

When Things Fall Apart - again

2011-08-17T09:05:00.000-04:00

A few years ago I read Pema Chodron's book "When Things Fall Apart" when I was going through the most difficult time of my life and it helped me enormously. I underlined it and re-read it and it was one of the ways I survived the break-up of my marriage, my mother's death and my daughter moving away from home.

I decided now is a good time to re-read it and so every day I'm going to read just one page and some days I will write about it. Today I read the first page of the introduction and Pema mentions that in 1995 she took a sabbatical and "essentially did nothing." She read and hiked and slept. She meditated and wrote. She said she had no agenda, and no shoulds. That alone sounds like a great accomplishment in a society that values achievement, to step back and take time off. I wonder if that was also the year she spent in silence. I wish I could do something like that and maybe someday I will.

She also spent the year reading the writing she had done over the years from her teachings and she discovered that she talked a great deal about maitri (loving kindness towards oneself) and from that practice, a fearless compassionate attitude towards others' pain.

Last night I went to Friends In Deed's Tuesday night group and it was a very large meeting (they are about to go on vacation, so I guess many people felt the need to be there.) I noticed how much compassion I felt towards most people, but there was one person whose pain was so intense, it made me uncomfortable. I have to work on that, because sometimes pain is extremely intense and unbearable. I did feel compassion, but I also had a difficult time allowing myself to connect with this particular woman. She is definitely in a period of "groundlessness" - uncharted territory.

In Pema's words, "dissolving the dualistic tension between us and them, this and that, good and bad, by inviting in what we usually avoid" - made me think about how I reacted to this woman. And I hope that during these next few weeks, she will be able to cope with all the fear and find her way through a maze of doctors and treatments and decisions.

Groundlessness

2011-08-16T18:05:00.000-04:00

I finally had time to watch the entire Bill Moyers interview with Pema Chodron and it really was such a fantastic learning experience.

She talked about several concepts - the one I want to talk about now is "groundlessness." It's when something happens in your life that is so difficult, like a serious illness, or the loss of someone you love, or a divorce, anything that shakes you up and causes you to feel like the ground beneath your feet is gone - and at first you feel scared, but later on you come to realize how important that experience is to your personal growth.

I can't imagine what my life would be like now if I hadn't been through these past two and a half years of fear, anxiety and challenge. I would be living an unhappy life instead of an awake, scary and one day at a time kind of life. I wouldn't have done all the reading and seeking I've done, I wouldn't have learned about standing on my own two feet again, I wouldn't have allowed myself the time to grieve and I wouldn't have moved through what felt like both a nightmare and a test.

It's something I really want to write about and I'm trying to write about it - but I think I still need a little more distance before I can really do it justice. I'm glad I kept this blog, even though I couldn't always write everything I wanted to write, I wrote enough to serve as a reminder of where I was and where I am now.

Grateful. Filled with gratitude for the challenges. And I'm happier, even though I miss my daughter and my mother. I'm going to see Zoe in two months and I am so excited to see her again. And I talk to my mother now and then and she doesn't have anything too annoying to say, so that's pretty nice.

Turning a corner

2011-08-13T08:10:00.000-04:00

The combination of meditation and Steve Chandler's line yesterday about figuring out the perfect day, every day, gave me the opportunity to let go of my anger towards my ex (who will from now on be known as E - which I will explain sometime soon.)

I had a perfect day yesterday - the weather was unbelievably gorgeous. I met with a lovely couple who need to sell their loft, a 5th floor walk-up. We sat for an hour and talked about life and real estate, too, of course. One of my favorite things about real estate is that you really get to know all kinds of people - quickly - because you become so involved in their lives.

I went to the office for just a couple of hours and worked hard and then left, came home to Lucy and went for a walk. It was too beautiful to stay home last night, so I went to a "meet-up" which involves many single people crowded onto a roof of a hotel. It was so not pleasurable, I left after twenty minutes and walked home along the river.

Every night I write at least three things I'm grateful for and it's always easy to think of more. I wish that I could contribute more in the world, send more money to the horn of Africa, fix the government, work on climate control - I wish I had those skills. But for right now, I'm meditating, sending out good thoughts into the world, trying to make a perfect day, a day at a time, and letting the years take care of themselves. And I am so grateful for my daughter, my home, my job, my writing, my friends, NYC, my beloved Lucy, my health, all the lessons I've had these past few years, summertime, tomatoes, fruit, my iPhone which allows me to listen to music, call people and take photographs.

Today is another beautiful day. Park Avenue is closed to traffic, so I'm going to get on my bike and ride uptown and then downtown on the west side. And I will turn many corners.

Steve Chandler's advice today

2011-08-12T10:19:00.002-04:00

From his new book "Time Warrior" - "Don't create your year, create your day. Figure out the perfect day and then live it. The year will take care of itself. So will your life."

Letting go of rage

2011-08-12T09:33:00.000-04:00

The other day I found out that my ex husband did something that really made me angry. I won't go into it, because I don't want to hurt anyone, but I will say dealing with anger is always a challenge for me. I don't like it.

So this morning, in my daily meditation, along with the challenge of just breathing and not letting this one incident hijack the meditation, I inhaled the anger and rage I was feeling and then I moved onto the situation in the horn of Africa, and the millions who are suffering and dying there, and the violence in the Congo, and then I breathed in the rioting in London and the rage of people there who are angry at their government, and then I breathed in the Tea Party and the Republicans, and the Democrats who seem to lack the courage to fight, and I tried to pretty cover the entire world in my meditation, breathing in the problems and breathing out the light. This is one of Pema's teachings, that all of us could connect in our meditation and she writes about it "Practicing Peace in Times of War."

Do I feel better? Not so much. But I do feel more grounded and ready to face my day. And fortunately for me, the overwhelming feeling I have in my life now is not anger, it's gratitude and appreciation.

Change of title

2011-08-11T08:15:00.000-04:00

I don't know if my new title "Pre-meditated: Pema and me" will be acceptable to Blogger, but I thought I'd give it a try.

I started this blog and wanted it to be about meditation and Pema Chodron's writings and somehow life got in the way. But now I want to keep my focus again on meditation and I'd write more, but Lucy really needs to go for a walk.

In these difficult times, meditation seems to be the best answer for so many people. Sit with the feelings, the fears.

Smile at Fear

2011-08-10T08:22:00.000-04:00

I watched "Smile at Fear" a talk Pema Chodron gave last night and thought I'd post it here. It's worth watching.

Envy again

2011-08-09T07:37:00.001-04:00

I wish that envy never appeared in my life. Right now, one of the most talented, kindest and most supportive people I know, is having all the success I have dreamt of. No one deserves it more, no one has been more generous, not just to me. but to hundreds of writers and performers. If any writer should be given sainthood, he should. And still, I feel envious.

Life is simply difficult. The glass is both half full and half empty.

Last night, I took Lucy out for a walk and I ran into the young woman who manages the hotel across the street. She mentioned that her parents had been visiting NY and that it was probably the last time they would be able to do so. She told me that her mother, who is only 51, is going to be paralyzed, because of a tumor that's growing in her neck. This young woman just turned 30. She is too young to be dealing with such heartbreak. I wished there was something I could do to help. I know the only thing I can do is listen whenever we run into each other, if she feels like talking. I wish there were something more I could do, but her parents live in South Africa. I told her about Friends In Deed.

I am embarrassed that I feel envy about my writing, when life is filled with so many tragedies and challenges. I know that Pema Chodron would say, "You're human. Humans feel anger, envy, jealousy, rage, every single emotion. Feel them."

I guess right now I feel mostly sad, for my friend and for her family and for everyone in the world who is suffering. This is not an easy time for most people. But I am happy for my writing friend - and I am grateful for my life, for Zoe and Abigail, my dear friends, and for Lucy is who now pacing in front of me, ready to go out for her next walk.

No more procrastinating

2011-08-08T08:40:00.000-04:00

I've been in touch with Steve Chandler, the business coach who wrote two books I love - "Reinventing Yourself" and "Fearless." He sent me a couple of his books and CD's. I decided to start reading "Time Warrior" which, I believe, is his latest book. The introduction talks about not putting things off for later, but simply doing them as they come along. So I sent off my latest pages of the play, which I have re-written, to my writing partner and I will try to take care of everything as it comes along today and see how it goes.

I did hear a great story about Pema Chodron yesterday. A friend of mine is up in Nova Scotia, where a thousand people have come together to meditate. Pema was speaking to them yesterday and someone's cell phone went off right in the middle of her talk. The cell phone played a tune and she started dancing to it.

Good lessons for life.

Pema is always right

2011-08-06T08:24:00.002-04:00

This morning I woke up with a headache and with fear. I read that The S & P lowered the U.S.'s rating and I immediately went deeper into fear.

Fear has a way of expanding in record time. One minute you feel a little sad, a little headache-y and the next minute, you're thinking, "Life completely sucks, I just want to go to bed and never get up."

So I did my mediation this morning and eventually I heard Pema Chodron's voice say, "Sit with the fear. Welcome it. Don't fight it."

And gradually the fear lifted a bit. Not a lot, I'm still contemplating getting back into bed after I walk Lucy. But then I thought about the ending of my play and I started writing and suddenly I was occupied and not thinking so much about the fear.

So the pain this morning led me to that. I can't erase fear, or escape it, I just have to sit with it and let it lead me to where I am supposed to be led.

POSTSCRIPT:

I just did my daily readings and found this quote:

"Courage faces fear and thereby masters it." Martin Luther King

Empowerment

2011-08-05T07:44:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, after I left my lawyer's office and said goodbye, I was feeling shaky and sad. I went to Central Park and sat on a bench and my friend Karen called and suggested that we meet.

We went for a walk in the park. She and her husband divorced a little over ten years ago, after a 25+ year marriage. She said her divorce made her feel empowered and that the years since have been some of the best of her life. We walked through the park for a long time and then sat on another bench. Eventually, we ended up near Lincoln Center, having a light dinner and then walked over to Lincoln Center to listen to a band that was performing outdoors.

It was an excellent night and I thought about these last two years and how challenging they've been. I still care about my ex-husband, I'm not the kind of person who can flip a switch on and off. I wish him well. And I do feel empowered and different than the person I was a few years ago.

I've learned so much about walking through fear, change and grief -- they weren't lessons I really wanted to learn, they were painful.

But mostly I'm just grateful for a perfect summer night, in Central Park and Lincoln Center, with a really dear friend.

When meditation is all you can do

2011-08-03T19:42:00.001-04:00

1. You're stressed out.
2. It's been a long day.
3. You would like to just buy a one-way ticket to somewhere like Bali and never return.
4. It's raining.
5. You have bug bites.
6. You want to stuff yourself with ice cream, but you know you can't.
7. You want to go shopping somewhere, but you know you can't.
8. You'd like to pick up someone, but you know...
9. You're thinking about a dance break, but it requires too much energy.
10. You're feeling lonely.
11. You wonder about the meaning of life?
12. You wonder why you're still wondering when you're so well beyond the halfway point of your life and shouldn't you know by now?
13. You're not in acceptance about what is.
14. Or what isn't.
15. I guess breathing is the way to go. Sit and breathe.
16. You're thinking you could probably come up with at least another 16 things, but why?
17. 20 seems like a good cut-off.
18. Uh-oh you may have to stop at 18.
19. You could call someone, but you can't think of who?
20. This living one day at a time sucks. You know?
21. The meaning of life is enjoying the passage of time. There ain't nothing to it, any fool can do it. Really?
22. I'm on a roll.
23. I miss my daughter.
24. I'm onto the "I's" now, and that's not good.
25. My bug bites itch. Did I say that?

POST SCRIPT: Rather than meditate, I decided to put on my Ipod and sing and dance, while cleaning out a couple of drawers. It worked! LSD, laugh, sing and dance, everyday! (Okay, I didn't quite laugh, but I did sing and dance.) And I feel MUCH better.

It's a new day

2011-08-01T08:05:00.001-04:00

Finally, we have settled on a divorce agreement. The paperwork has been signed, at least I know for sure that I signed it last week, I'm sure by now my ex-husband (that's a new word for me) has signed it too.

And now we can really move on with both our lives. In fact, we have both moved on and we haven't spoken or seen each other in a long time. E-mails were exchanged last week, after I found out through our lawyers that my mother-in-law had recently died.

I wish us both new and interesting lives. I hope our daughter will always know that she comes first for both of us and that we love her deeply. My greatest wish is that we can find a way to be there for her, separately and also together, if she needs us to be.

It is time to move on and enjoy my life, to stand on my own two feet and to have a life that is filled with friends, satisfying work, meaningful relationships, fun, and gratitude. I hope to be able to be supportive of others who are in the midst of difficult life changes, including divorce, and to be of service in my life.

I am so grateful, beyond words, to the friends who have helped me through these past two years. I don't know how I would have survived the loss of a long marriage, the death of my mother, my daughter moving so far away, the death of my beloved dog, no job, and having to move. It was too much and yet, it was all taken care of. There were many tears and many days of not knowing what to do next, but somehow it all worked out. Perfectly.

And somehow it always does.

When I was leaving town last week, after signing the papers, I saw an Oprah magazine on a stand, with a headline that read, "Let Your Intuition Be Your Guide." My intuition told me to buy it. When I opened the magazine it was on a story about Jane Fonda. She talked about how she had a nervous breakdown after the end of her second marriage, and when her third marriage ended, she had the realization that she really needed to stop marrying men and stand on her own, find out what she wanted in her life and not rush into another relationship. Nine years later, nine fulfilling and interesting years of work and friends - at the age of 71, she found a man she loves and enjoys being her true self with. I didn't marry in my twenties, so I had plenty of time before I got married to discover my "true" self, but after twenty-three years of marriage, I'm not sure who that true self is anymore. It's time to give myself the chance to find that out again. Who knows where that journey will lead?

My small town

2011-07-24T21:00:00.000-04:00

Last night, I went out to ride my bike and I ran into a lovely friend on the bicycle path along the Hudson. We rode together and then sat and watched the sunset. We talked and laughed and went back to riding - it turned out to be a lovely night. It was kind of a date, but not. It was what a date should be - comfortable, relaxed, easy conversation. It was fun! He's a nice guy, recently separated, dealing with some sadness but clear that the relationship had to end.

Then this morning, on my way to Unity, walking up Broadway, I ran into my friend Judy who is visiting from Berkeley. We went to high school together and re-connected on Facebook. I mentioned I was going to Unity and invited her to come along and she said yes. We had a lovely time together.

And then after Judy and I said goodbye...I was walking down Broadway and I ran into another friend, Amy, who works for the Visiting Nurse Service of NY. When my mother got sick, she was one of the first calls I made and she set up my mother's care. Her father died early this month and we talked about that. I suggested she go to Friends In Deed - not just for her own loss, but also as a good resource for the VNS clients.

It's amazing how often I run into people in this small city of over 8 million people! I love living here - even in the heat, even in the cold, even on days that I really can't take the noise and the crowds, I still cannot think of a better place to live. I can think of places I love to visit and vacation in, but for living, it's NYC that's my home.

Melting

2011-07-22T18:23:00.001-04:00

What is there to say today except that it's hot. It was too hot to walk in Central Park. It is too hot to do much of anything. It is too hot to care. It is scary how hot it is, how likely it is that this planet will continue getting hotter every year and our children and their children will have to live with such difficult conditions.

It's too hot to be with friends or go anywhere. I'm lying on the bed with my beloved dog, Lucy, who is snoring, right next to me. She's hot too. I'll turn the air conditioner on again, but it seems likely that with everyone using their air conditioners at full blast, that we could have a blackout.

It's July. It's supposed to be hot. I like it better than February. I'll like it better when I can get out of the city. I'd love to jump into the ocean. I'm not complaining, I'm just reporting. It's f-king hot.

UPDATE: I made excellent use of the evening by watching an episode of "The Wire" - Season 4, which may be its best yet. Love that show.

But sadly, a terrible attack took over a hundred lives in Norway yesterday, the fighting and drought in Somalia goes on and so many are dying every day, and our own government is demonstating the art of stupidity and ineptitude. Maybe they're so hot they can't think anymore. It seems to me given all the riches this country has, that a compromise that doesn't kill the middle class and starts taxing the corporations and the wealthiest people should be simple common sense.

Appreciation

2011-07-21T18:02:00.002-04:00

For a long time (over two years) I've had a daily struggle to overcome fear about the future, grief of letting go of my family, the loss of my mother and my beloved Lola, a new job, many challenges. And though I often get thrown off course by some anxiety, it generally doesn't last too long and most days turn out pretty well.

I do find myself getting angry about the government and many issues outside my own personal sphere, but that's to be expected, I think. Complacency is not my style.

Today I was doing my meditation in the early morning and I suddenly had a wonderful feeling come over me of tremendous appreciation for my life. I'm helping people daily (not in Somalia and not doing anything really vital - but still - helping people), I'm working at getting the play produced, and I'm trying to take care of myself and to stay in touch with friends. I work a spiritual program, that is, I do my meditation and try to listen to that small voice, which today said, "Hey, this is pretty good!"

This morning, a friend and I were laughing when we came up with a good analogy for the idea that one never really reaches total enlightenment. It's like getting your body in shape. You go to the gym, or do yoga, or ride your bike, or dance - whatever works for you and after a time you look at your body and you think, "I look pretty good. I'm in good shape." And then you say, "Okay, great, I'm done. I think I'll sit on the couch from now on and eat ice cream and cake." And then, of course, in a few weeks your body looks terrible again and you have to start all over.

Every day, it's important to keep working on my inner life and not think I'm ever finished. I guess I will be someday, when I'm no longer alive. But as long as I have a breath to take, I have to keep meditating and reading and working on myself, and trusting. And especially remembering to be grateful for all the good in my life and even some of the bad. That's important too!

And all I can do is hope that the sanest people we have right now - the Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warrens and Jon Stewarts (just to name a few) will keep talking truth to power and will eventually be heard. It's so hard not to be disappointed in President Obama. I keep thinking he has a plan, that he's really not going to take cuts in Social Security and Medicare and other social services, but so far it looks like he is going against his campaign promises.

Mostly, despite the bad news, I want to laugh more. I want to find someone to love who is funny. I realize that's part of my spiritual path - to laugh more and take life less seriously. There's plenty to be serious about, but I am so grateful for people like Chris Rock, Bill Maher and Jon Stewart for making me laugh. Bill is the only single one, but I'm more into Chris and Jon. I guess I have to find my own Chris or Jon. He's out there somewhere!

Waiting

2011-07-20T18:41:00.001-04:00

I do not like it. At all. I find it very frustrating and difficult sometimes, especially when the temperature reaches 90+ degrees. I find it hard to be relaxed and easy-going when I am waiting for answers and I try to breathe and put my mind on something else, like going for a walk or riding my bike. But tonight it's too hot to do either and so I have to figure out something else to do.

I will follow up with this and let you know how the waiting turns out. Is it possible to just simply say, "Ah, it will all work out - relax - don't worry. It's totally out of my hands and the best possible results will come." There are some things that have short-term results and some that are much longer. They're all stressful.

I should get a pedicure or something. I think I'll just hug Lucy, my beloved dog.

UPDATE: So far, two of the things I was waiting for - to hear back from someone about my play and to get a counter offer for an apartment I'm hoping to sell - both turned out fine. So my annoyance at waiting was so uncalled for. I am embarrassed.

Daily meditation saves lives!

2011-07-13T07:56:00.000-04:00

I started this blog a few years ago to write about my journey in meditation. Life changed course along the way, if you've followed the blog you'll know that there were a few other matters, like a divorce, the death of my mother, my daughter moving far away, and a few other major life changing events that I've had to deal with.

But I want to share that through all of it, I have continued with my (imperfect) meditation practice. And I think it saved my life. (At least that's what Deepak Chopra tweeted about this morning.)

There's something so peaceful about sitting for 30 and sometimes 60 minutes every morning, in silence. It's one of my favorite times of day. I try to also do walking meditations sometimes, or even biking meditations. I think that any time you're alone with your thoughts and you try to focus on your breath and quiet the thoughts, is a meditation.

Even 5 minutes, a couple of times a day, can be a great way to come back to the moment and rein in all the crazy ideas that constantly go through our heads. That's what Pema Chodron promised when I started this practice and that's what I've received.

The past week has been a challenge. But right now, after a good hour of breathing and sitting, I feel ready to take on the day. And I think it's going to be a good one! I really do.

And I pray that everyone in Washington, President Obama and the entire Congress, start meditating, so we can get this budget crisis under control.

Ups and downs

2011-07-12T20:43:00.000-04:00

Actually, what I was going to write about was my emotional roller coaster, but after I wrote the title, I thought how boring. Who cares about my mood swings? Who isn't moody in this horrible heat wave?

What I want to write about is all the things I'm grateful for. My life, living in this loft with Abigail, our friendship (we're both sitting in the living room, writing on our laptops), living in a rent stabilized loft on the best block in SoHo (I know people think Mercer is the best, but having lived there for 17 years, Crosby Street is better.) I'm grateful for our building, all the lovely people who live here. We have such nice neighbors. I'm grateful for Lucy, sitting by my side. I'm incredibly grateful for my daughter. I wish she didn't live so far away and that she didn't live in San Francisco - too worried about earthquakes.

I'm grateful for experiences and moments. The other day I was showing a loft downtown and the woman I was showing it to asked if she could sing, she wanted to test the acoustics. So I said, "Of course," and she sang a beautiful song, seemed like a Gospel song, and it was so lovely.

I love that I meet interesting people every day. I'm watching a show about New York now and I feel grateful that I live here - even on a miserable summer day.

Grateful.

"Trying to describe New York is like trying to hold water in your hand."

...and the living is easy

2011-07-07T07:55:00.000-04:00

It is, if you don't think about the mess the country is in and the world and the Republicans and the stupid Democrats who don't seem to know how to stand up to the devious and evil Republicans, and the deficit and so many problems that seem unsolvable with the people involved in government and the lobbyists.

It is summertime though, one of my favorite times of the year, so I'm going to just be grateful for great moments. The other day I was walking upstate, near Rhinebeck, visiting a friend. I was on a small country road and someone was having a 4th of July party. They had a live band, but I guess the band took a break and suddenly I could hear Louis Armstrong singing "What a Wonderful World." I was standing close to a waterfall, and the afternoon light was perfect. I stopped on the road and just stood still, listened until the song finished. It was one of those really special moments, beautiful setting, Louis Armstrong singing, a perfect moment.

And then a few days later, I went bike riding in Central Park with my friend, Karen. We rode around the loop twice and sat and talked under a tree afterward. And in the distance, we could hear a violinist playing. I am going to try to go to Central Park and ride as often as I can this summer. I miss Zoe, who used to be my riding companion, but I'm grateful that I have other friends who like to ride.

And I absolutely love summer.

Swimming through mud

2011-06-28T08:46:00.001-04:00

Some days I wake up and I feel less than great. Even though I went to a lovely surprise birthday party last night and enjoyed myself. Even though the weather is so perfect it's just delightful. Even though several people last night reminded me of something that I needed to hear: my job is just what I do during the day - and I need to either take a class or do something during my week that gives me pleasure. I've realized that I'm slightly addicted to performing, so I think I need to find something that allows me to have that rush, scary as it is.

I'm also waiting to hear back from a couple of people who I sent some writing to and that's always stressful. But I understand they have busy lives and it will take them awhile to get back to me.

So I sit with the feelings, the anxiety, the sadness and I know that the feelings will pass. And I took an action this morning about finding a class and I will write to a good friend, Sally Fisher, about getting together for dinner soon. She is an inspiration to me.

And I will trust that today will be a good day, just as they always are in the end.

I just did some readings, and one of the lines that jumped out at me from Steve Chandler's book "Reinventing Yourself" was:

"The human system does not really want comfort, it wants challenge. It wants adventure."

I love that!

Missing

2011-06-26T08:32:00.000-04:00

I had a hard time getting out of bed this morning, which hasn't happened to me in a long time. Today's a great day, too, I'm going to Unity and then we're going to march in the Gay Pride Parade, which couldn't have been planned for a better day. Aside from the passage of marriage rights in New York State, it's also a beautiful day. And Carlos Anderson will be speaking at Unity, which always makes me happy. He speaks extemporaneously and it's thrilling to see him.

As I was walking Lucy on this glorious morning, I started thinking about all the people I miss. I thought about Zoe last night and how we always had so many great adventures together. It's hard to even express how much I miss my daughter. I miss old friends. In some cases they left me, in other cases, I left them. The ones I left are really the ones I miss. It was absolutely the right thing to do, but it doesn't mean I don't miss them. I miss Lola and I always will. I think about her every day and I feel grateful for those wonderful nine years we had together. I miss Mike Eigen, my old therapist, who I see on occasion, but no longer regularly. And I miss our marriage and family therapist, Mildred Moskowitz, who we also saw regularly. I've spoken to her on the phone a few times and I went to see her last summer. She is a lovely person and quite a role model, well into her 80's and still working.en

I miss my mother and my father. This summer is the second anniversary of my mother's death and my dad's been gone for 21 years. I miss my family, my sister and her son's family, my cousins. I haven't seen them in a long time.

I miss having a partner. I miss the man I married, not the one I'm divorcing.

But most of all, I am grateful for being able to feel this sadness and to be in touch with the feelings. For so many years I was shut down and out of touch.

I read an article about Harrison Ford the other day and when asked what he felt was the most important things in life he said, "People. Work. And...learning." I like that.

Yay for NY!

2011-06-24T22:06:00.003-04:00

We are watching history - the New York State legislature is voting on gay marriage tonight. It looks like the bill will pass - I'm hoping that it will happen. This is thrilling - long overdue. If it doesn't pass it will shocking.

I guess I'll have to update this after the vote, but I'm feeling optimistic.

And I have to add, I am not a big believer in marriage these days - but everyone should have the same rights, it is a question of simple human rights to me. I'm so proud of NY State.

UPDATE! IT PASSED!!!!!

And just to add, I think no one should get married before they've lived together at least ten years. If they still want to get married after that, great. But it's not something to take lightly and it's definitely not easy to live with someone - no matter how much you love them. And I think it's important to truly be honest and not try to be someone you're not, before you get married.

It does seem to work well for many people, so I'm happy that in New York State - everyone has the right to marry. And I'm proud to be a New Yorker. We are an enlightened state.

Letting go again

2011-06-24T09:05:00.001-04:00

Interesting - when I typed the title for this post, I accidentally typed "Letting god..." instead of "Letting go..." But honestly, I think it really should be letting god. This week has been a great exercise for me in trusting a higher something - some higher good - to show me what I need.

I started out the week feeling very overwhelmed at work, very frustrated about my life and very stuck. But I made a decision to just go with all the feelings, the sadness and the anger and just see where it led me. Monday, I emailed my neighbor, Louise, and asked her to read the Tarot cards for me (she's in Connecticut for the summer.) She did a quick reading and reassured me that I need to sit tight. I have to say, I'm not a huge believer in psychics or cards, but somehow Louise always seems to nail it for me.

Then Tuesday, I went to a Big Group meeting at Friends In Deed and I saw a woman there who looked so familiar, but I couldn't place her. She came over to me and said, "We know each other, don't we?" But neither of us knew where we met until she told me her name, which is unusual, and then I realized we met at my first Mama Gena mastery. I remember her because she was very resistant, and at one point Regena had her dance with Alex, the teacher who comes to dance with many of the women and she looked like someone who hadn't experienced any pleasure in years - until we saw her dancing. It was a memorable moment.

During the big group, someone shared that she was going through a really rough time - partner sick, having to spend the summer in Europe for medical treatment, knowing that she wouldn't have the support of Friends In Deed except by phone, not having any friends there, and in her frustration she said, "I feel...I feel...like...like....scrambled eggs." I was sitting between two friends who had both seen the reading of my play (twice) and we all laughed. Cy, the group leader, said at one point, "Here at FID we believe that there are two really important things in life - one is living in the moment and the other is speaking your truth."

Then Wednesday night I went out and ran into two more Mama Gena friends (Sister Goddesses) and that was a lovely surprise. One of them had been to the reading and the other one said, "I can't wait to see the play and we want to support you in any way we can."

Yesterday, I received an email from Steve Chandler, author of "Fearless" and "Reinventing Yourself" - and many other books - but those are the two I read and re-read continuously. I had commented on a blog post he wrote about Jane Austen - he and a friend wrote a book about reading all of Austen's books. I love Jane Austen too, so I commented - and I received an email from Steve saying he would love to send me the book! I was thrilled. His work has been enormously helpful and life-changing.

And then last night, I went to a goodbye/birthday party for my friend Barbara's brother, David, who is moving to L.A. He and I share a special "badge" of loss - he went through a divorce, lost his mother, lost his job, had to move -- and though his divorce was easier in some ways, divorce is never really easy. He just got hired to be the president of a company based in Los Angeles, so he's excited about his future. I met some lovely people at the party - and came home to walk Lucy and as I was leaving the building, I ran into a neighbor and we chatted about Lola. More sadness came up and I felt bereft about this amazing creature who lived with me for nine years and who I miss so much it's hard to even think about her without crying. And then I walked by Savoy, a wonderful restaurant on my block which is closing (for renovation and reinvention) and saw Beth - the director of Mama Gena's School and I went inside to say hello. She introduced me to her neighbor, who had taken this Mastery and she thanked me for all my hard work.

Everyone hugged each other - including the owner of Savoy - and I went home feeling so grateful for all the people in my life, and all the new people I keep meeting, and for that strange higher power that leads me from despair to pleasure to sadness to hope to enlightenment -- and never abandons me. I feel especially grateful this week.

June 9th

2011-06-10T07:54:00.000-04:00

Two years ago, on June 9th, I received a phone call around 11 a.m. from the nurse practitioner who cared for my mother. He told me that her biopsy report had finally come back (after a couple of weeks) and that my mother had bone cancer, which had spread to her stomach and probably all over her body. That night she died.

My mother was 96 years old at the time of her death. I miss her and think of her almost every day, but I am grateful that she is out of pain, and no longer living a life that was so compromised by illness.

I honored her memory yesterday by going to Cold Spring, New York, to be in nature, which she loved so much. And to spend the day with two good friends, Barbara and Harvey, who were staying at their friends' home. We went swimming in the pool (actually they went into the hot tub, I was the only one who ventured into the pool - which was a bit cold, but very refreshing.)

It was a perfect day to remember my mother and to take care of myself, as she took care of me for so many years of my life.

I miss you, Mom...more than I can say.

Rumi quote

2011-06-06T08:14:00.000-04:00

"There is one thing in this world you must never forget to do. Human beings come into this world to do particular work. That work is their purpose, and each is specific to the person. If you forget everything else and not this, there's nothing to worry about. If you remember everything else and forget your true work, then you will have done nothing with your life."

Rumi

Friday Night Lights

2011-05-20T18:53:00.000-04:00

I was supposed to go out tonight to do my volunteer work at Mama Gena's, but then I got an invitation to go to the country this weekend and I decided I needed a night to relax and get us - as in Lucy and myself - ready to go away.

This entire week has been rainy and I don't do well with rain. I'm so ready for a few beautiful spring days in the country.

This morning I read this daily reading in "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie and I liked it so much I wanted to include it in the blog.

"Sadness

Ultimately, to grieve our losses means to surrender to our feelings.

So many of us have lost so much, have said so many good-byes, have been through so many changes. We may want to hold back the tides of change, not because the change isn't good, but because we have had so much change, so much loss.

Sometimes, when we are in the midst of pain and grief, we become shortsighted, like members of a tribe described in the movie Out of Africa.

'If you put them in prison,' one character said, describing this tribe, 'they die.'

'Why?' asked another character.

'Because they can't grasp the idea that they'll be let out one day. They think it's permanent, so they die.'

Many of us have so much grief to get through. Sometimes we begin to believe grief, or pain, is a permanent condition.

The pain will stop. Once felt and released, our feelings will bring us to a better place than where we started. Feeling our feelings, instead of denying or minimizing them, is how we heal from our past and move forward to a better future. Feeling our feelings is how we let go.

It may hurt for a moment, but peace and acceptance are on the other side. So is a new beginning.

God, help me to fully embrace and finish my endings, so I may be ready for my new beginnings."

I do feel like I've moved through a good year and a half of extreme grief. I've been reading "Committed" by Elizabeth Gilbert, a book about marriage, and I was finding it rather boring, until the other night at 4 a.m. when I couldn't sleep and I got to the part about divorce and how truly painful an experience it is. I always felt that it was the combination of things - the death of my mother, divorce, Zoe moving away, not having a job, not having a home, all of that that contributed to my feeling underwater for a good year - for spending so much time at Friends In Deed, just crying and sitting with other people who were dealing with serious life challenges. I think that the divorce alone could have caused so much of the grief now, I have a new respect for everyone who's gone through it and allowed themselves to grieve instead of jumping right into a new relationship. Although I did date in those early days and I'm glad I did, even though I spent most of the dates talking about the divorce, my ex, my mother, everything truly sexy.

So now I'm more comfortable with being on my own and dating is not high on my list of desires right now. It's on there and it's moving up, but it's not at the top of the list.

Tonight is "Friday Night Lights" one of my favorite shows on television. I'm going to call a friend soon and hopefully talk for awhile, so that I'm not alone all night. And then I'm going to throw together Lucy's and my belongings (including a pair of rainboots for me) - and get ready to enjoy nature.

I'm also trying not to worry about the next reading of the play. What good is worrying going to do? As my friend Sally Fisher says, "If I thought my worrying was going to help anything - or change anything, I might do it. But it never does, so why bother?"

So instead I will acknowledge how grateful I am for my daughter, my life, my home, my friends, my loftmate, my job, my writing partner, my director, the wonderful actors, everyone who has been incredibly helpful getting the readings together, NY, Lucy, Lola's gentle passing, a spring that will be so incredibly green thanks to all the rain -- and life.

And the spiritual connection I have inside - that is a huge gift.

It's in the doing

2011-05-14T09:22:00.000-04:00

I was reading Steve Chandler's book "Fearless" this morning and the message was about doing. Not dreaming about doing, not planning to do, not thinking about doing, but just doing. Whatever you can. One small thing, one big thing, a few small things - just do.

I'm still having days when I feel lost and sad, but they are fewer and farther between. Mostly I am doing and I'm enjoying it. Brene Brown's book, "The Gifts of Imperfection" is also great - because knowing that you can take risks and put yourself out there (despite whatever feelings come up) is the only way to live a "whole-hearted life."

I spent last night mostly feeling sorry for myself and watched a "Friday Night Lights" marathon, but the writing was so good it inspired me -- and this morning I woke up, posted on Facebook that we are having a second reading of "Scrambled Eggs" on June 2nd - invited people to the reading, wrote to my co-writer, decided to sign up again for Match.com and this time actually go on some dates, and accepted how little control I have over the outcome of anything, all I can do is take actions. Small actions, big actions - any kind of action counts. And today, I'm going to see "Bridesmaids" because I could really use a good laugh!

Going to Miami!

2011-04-27T21:58:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow morning, at about 4:30 a.m. I will (hopefully) be heading to Newark to board a plane to Miami. I'm going to a Mama Gena weekend again and I couldn't be more ready to have some FUN!!! It's been quite a year, I remember last May when I was in Miami, I received several emails from my lawyer. Not a great way to relax on the beach.

And I can't seem to learn the lesson that the future generally seems to take care of itself, so it's best to stay in the present.

I am grateful for this year, for all the tough lessons I learned...like bring friends with you to divorce court - it makes it much less stressful, hire a good attorney, and always show up for yourself. It was scary, it wasn't much fun, but I'm going to Miami with two hundred women from all over the world - of all ages - and we are going to have fun!

Zoe was here

2011-04-24T13:54:00.000-04:00

Zoe arrived six days ago. We immediately went up to the fifth floor in our building to a seder at our friends, Barbara Glickstein and Ethan Ellenberg's loft. It was a great seder - filled with young people. The food was delicious, all vegetarian - the seder was serious but also fun, we sang and played instruments and had good talks about freedom and questions in the Haggadah about language. And then the next night, we went to Barbara and Harvey Toback's for a nice seder dinner - with Marilyn's delicious brisket. Everyone was impressed with Zoe's poise and maturity.

For the next few days, Zoe ran around and saw her friends while I worked and we grabbed time together when we could. I got to see Zoe's oldest friend, Willa, which was great. She looks beautiful and it was a pleasure to catch up with her. Zoe saw some great theater "Sleep No More" and a good movie "Hanna" and I got to see "The Normal Heart" yesterday, which was excellent and also to go to NYU to a wonderful panel discussion with Patrice O'Neill, the filmmaker who creates films about communities standing up to hatred and intolerance. Her organization is called Not In Our Town and Patrice was at the seder.

I loved having Zoe here and seeing how much she's changed and matured. I miss her now that she's left, but I think I will have to get on a plane soon and visit her again in San Francisco. Or meet her somewhere - maybe Austin, Texas would be fun! Who knows?

It was a great week, she's off to Spain to visit her dad in May. I'm off to Miami to have a fun weekend with my Mama Gena crew, and we have another reading possibly coming up. I am working on living a day at a time and enjoying every day. Today is 75 degrees and Lucy is here with me, Zoe's on her way to the airport, I'm happy that I had time with my daughter and although the world and the country are in a huge mess, right now I am savoring the good feelings. I love how the Japanese cope with their disasters - with calm fortitude and resilience. I hate the politics in our country now, it's so divisive, but somehow we manage to get through all the challenges.

I think everyone should read Pema Chodron's writings and maybe we would be less angry at each other and more tolerant.

Two years

2011-04-21T08:36:00.000-04:00

It's been exactly two years since we decided to separate and we have finally reached a settlement agreement.

Just like in the book, "Crazy Time" which said that it would take approximately two years to move through all the feelings, the grief, the anger, the fear, relief, excitement, all of it - it finally feels like a huge chapter of my life is over and I'm well into the next one.

And the next one feels abundant - Zoe is here this week, she's seeing friends and we are enjoying our time together, the reading, the fabulous cast, the interest in the play, work, next week I go to Miami with my Mama Gena friends, all my friends who came to the reading and have given me so much support, Abigail and Karen - who literally pulled the reading together - Barbara and Lenore, Bella's beautiful floral arrangement to a producer yesterday - it just continues every day. I can't be more grateful for my life right now. And even though we had to walk Lucy twice in the middle of the night because her diabetes incipitis is causing her distress, every day feels like an adventure and I love this new life. And just like "Crazy Time" said, it takes time for most people (especially women) to get their bearings again and move on, I feel that I have and that I continue to each day. Not every day is easy and I wouldn't want them to be. I feel alive and awake. And spring is finally here!

The problems of the world, the economy, the country, ecological disasters, Haiti, Japan, the Congo, journalists dying in Afghanistan, the Tea Party, the budget, the national debt, bullying in schools, gay marriage, all of that remains and won't be getting better any time soon. I wish we could make all of that go away, but we can't. But as the Buddha said, suffering is everywhere, no one escapes it. We all do the best we can. These two years have been challenging personally, but now it's time to move on. And it feels good, it feels hopeful.

So much fun! SE the reading

2011-04-11T08:50:00.000-04:00

I just wanted to quickly write about the reading we had last Friday afternoon. It was so terrific! The cast was amazing, the director did a fantastic job and the audience really laughed and enjoyed it.

I will write more soon but I just have to say what a relief it was that it went well, that this play is not for everyone, but for those who do like it, they really like it. I have had so many great compliments and comments about it, that it is thrilling to feel that it spoke to so many people.

The cast: Amy Van Nostrand, Michael Countryman, Annie O'Sullivan, Jim Frangione, Candace Brecker and Mary Catherine Wright. The director is Matthew Penn.

More to come. We still hate the title though - so I'm open to finding a new one!

Shame

2011-04-03T13:24:00.000-04:00

This coming Friday there will be another reading of Scrambled Eggs, this time in the heart of Manhattan. We have over a hundred people coming, not as many producers as we hoped for, but a good crowd. Am I scared? Yes. Am I excited? Definitely. Am I filled with shame about writing about my family, my past, many personal revelations which are partly true and partly fictionalized. Yes. I am filled with shame and fear and part of me would like to leave for some island somewhere, where no one knows me and I can quietly sit on the beach with a good book and not even think about Friday's reading. The horrible thing about writing is that well, you have to show it to someone at some point. And they can judge you. And they can hate it or love it and you have no control over that. Nor should you. It's just the hard part. You can write and write and keep it all safely in a drawer, but then where would the fun be in hiding it? This feels a bit like the guy who strung the tightrope across the World Trade Center and walked across without a net. Okay, maybe not quite that scary, but still scary. I'm so grateful for the wonderful actors who have to get up on the stage and perform, but I guess they can always think, "Hey, I didn't write this crap, I'm just performing it." And the writers can think, "Oh, they are awful! I didn't write it like that - I should perform this myself." I have seen this play performed many times now and I can honestly say, generally it's been fun and the audiences have enjoyed it. The key seems to have a critical mass which allows people to really laugh. The smaller the audience, the less freedom to really let loose.

Anyway, today I was at the gym on the treadmill and I watched the episode of Sex and the City in which Kim Catrall's character, Samantha, gets cancer. And suddenly the feeling of "no control" - we are powerless - overwhelmed me. So I came home and now I'm reading "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown, which is the perfect book to read to help me deal with shame. Living a "whole-hearted life" requires taking chances, taking leaps of faith. But maybe I can do that in Mexico, off a rock or something, and skip the reading?

Fear

2011-03-30T08:06:00.001-04:00

Whenever I have to do anything in public, a reading, a performance, speaking, anything, it scares me so much that I want to leave the country. And, on the other hand, when I don't do anything that scares me, life seems too tame. So I have no choice - I have to put my work out into the world and risk rejection and risk shame.

Speaking of shame, I'm reading a great book by Brene Brown called "The Gifts of Imperfection." The subtitle is "Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are."

I'm very excited about the reading of my play and I'm also scared to death. And I love that the actors are cast and the director is terrific and the theater is perfect and everyone's doing their jobs and all I really have to do at this point is show up. Which is not an easy thing, especially when a trip to Borneo is on my mind. Where is Borneo exactly?

Where is spring?

2011-03-28T07:48:00.000-04:00

This past winter was not an easy one. Not because the weather was that bad, but because so much of it was involved in caring for Lola. I can't say that I didn't love every moment with her, even at the end, when I knew it was her time - and I can say that life is a bit easier now, not having that responsibility. But I still miss her and I still wish that she would bark when I walked in the door, or make me laugh when she did something silly.

Last night I saw the film "Rabbit Hole" and it was about the loss of a child. How you deal with loss is such an interesting subject to me now, after having spent so much time learning about it, experiencing it. The film depicted two characters I didn't find particularly likable, but I did feel for them both, and understand their different ways of grieving. I guess that's what I've learned - everyone grieves differently, and at their own pace.

So I'm ready for spring, a new beginning. I'm more than ready.

More loss

2011-02-21T20:11:00.000-05:00

I don't really have much to say about losing my beloved dog, Lola. It hurts and I miss her AND it was a peaceful passing. I was so lucky to be able to hold her and she didn't seem afraid, she seemed ready.

I couldn't have asked for a more devoted or sweeter dog. She was the light of our lives, the happiest, least neurotic being in our family. I brought her home with Zoe and neglected to ask Steve if it was okay that we have a second dog. Well, actually, I did ask many times and each time he said no. So it was a bad breach in our marriage and it's something I would never do again in any relationship. But it was also the best worst mistake I ever made. Steve fell deeply in love with Lola and she enriched all our lives in ways we can't even begin to understand. I doubt I could have made it through the past two years without her spirit, her joie de vivre. No matter what physical impediments she had to deal with, she never stopped wagging her tail, enjoying every walk, meeting new people, barking at dogs, and happily picking up crap off the sidewalk.

She was courageous and funny and I don't think anyone could resist her charms. She lightened my life, got me out of bed in the morning, and made every walk an adventure. Even when I had to carry her outside, I felt it was a gift, like she had become my baby and I wanted only to care for her and give her the best life I could. When it came to the time that I could no longer provide that, we (Abigail, my loftmate and I) knew we had to let go.

It was one of the most painful decisions of my life, but once I made it, I knew it was the right one. Holding her at the end was a gift. Comforting her as she took her last breath was the least I could do for the nine years of pleasure she gave me. She wasn't an easy dog to train - she was sometimes loud and embarrassing when she barked at dogs five times her size. But she was my Lola, my sweet little girl and I will miss her every day and I am so thankful that she came into our lives and brought us so much light and happiness. And now I have time to focus on Lucy again and try to give her the best life she can have without her little buddy. Only she knows how much she misses Lola, how sad she is about the missing member of our little family.

Goodbye Lola

2011-02-19T19:18:00.000-05:00

Keep Standing Up

2011-02-06T19:35:00.000-05:00

Today, on my way to take a lovely, long walk Central Park, on a beautiful winter day, I read this essay from Pema Chodron's book, "The Wisdom of No Escape," the first Pema book I ever read:

Keep Standing Up

I remember my first interview with my teacher Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche very well because I was hesitant to talk to him about what was really the problem in my life. Instead, I wasted the whole interview chattering. Every once in a while he said, "How's your meditation?" and I said, "Oh, fine," and then just chattered on. When it was almost over I blurted out, in the last half-second, "I'm having this terrible time and I'm full of anger."

Rinpoche walked me to toward the door and said, "Well, what that feels like is a big wave that comes along and knocks you down. You find yourself lying in the bottom of the ocean with your face in the sand, and even though all the sand is going up your nose and into your mouth and your eyes and your ears, you stand up and you begin walking again. The next wave comes and knocks you down. The waves just keep coming, but each time you get knocked down, you stand up and keep walking. After a while, you'll find that the waves appear to be getting smaller."

That's how karma works. If you keep lying there, you'll drown, but you don't even have the privilege of dying. You just live with the sense of drowning all the time. So don't get discouraged and think, "Well, I was feeling depressed and I was hiding under the covers, but then I got out of bed, I took a shower. How come I'm not living in a Disney movie now? I thought I was going to turn into Snow White. How come I'm not living happily ever after?" The waves keep coming and knocking you down, but you stand up again and with some sense of rousing yourself. As Rinpoche said, "After a while, you find that the waves seem to be getting smaller." That's really what happens.

A day at a time, again

2011-01-29T09:08:00.000-05:00

Last week, it looked like Lola (lot of L's there) wasn't going to survive the weekend and she is still here. She perked up all week and though she's sleeping a lot, she's got a great appetite and she still loves affection. Right now, she's sleeping on a little bed in my room and doesn't seem to want to move. My heart hurts when I look at her and I am also so grateful for each day we have together.

This was a good week. My friends Karen, Abigail and I had a lovely meeting with a Mama Gena friend who is a Broadway producer. She couldn't have been more generous with her time and gave us great information. And then yesterday, I helped a client find the most perfect apartment in a gorgeous building in Greenwich Village. It's one of those celebrity buildings, or as my client's daughter calls them "The Famouses." We went out to lunch at Otto afterward to celebrate. She's a widow who has no interest in dating and I'm starting to enjoy dating. She was married to a truly great man, a brilliant author and a very kind person. I'm grateful to be working in fields that enable me to meet such fantastically interesting people just about every day!

Lola and Arlo

2011-01-23T10:35:00.002-05:00

My beloved dog, Lola, (the beagle on the right) isn't doing too well these days. We're getting close to the end. I haven't been writing much because I've been dealing with so many ups and downs, but Lola is, by far, the hardest part of these cold winter days. The lump on the side of her head, which started out like a small golf ball, is now like an orange. She isn't eating her food, but will eat chicken, ham and liverwurst. She can hardly walk, but she still wags her tail and she is still there. Inside. Lola is still Lola. But with a brain tumor, it's only a matter of time before she's not and I have to make this decision before she is suffering.

One of my best friends, Julie, has made that decision about her beloved Arlo. Today is the day. We spoke on the phone yesterday and had a good cry. Arlo is truly one of the sweetest dogs I've ever known, a big hound/mutt.

These creatures have been there for us through every life event for the past 13 (Arlo) and 9 (Lola) years. They have given us unconditional love. We have been their mommies and they have been our "kids."

I can feel the grief beginning to come to the surface, but one of the greatest blessings in all of this sadness, is how much support and love we have around us. Once again, my deepest gratitude is to my friends and neighbors, especially Abigail. Lola has had a very good life and so has Arlo. I'm lucky I still have my older dog, Lucy, but her time will have to come soon, too.

I'm reminded of the phrase from Friends In Deed, the Sally Fisher quote: "The quality of our lives is not determined by the circumstances." The divorce goes on, my little dog is dying, my friend Julie is losing her beloved dog, it's one of the coldest Januaries I can recall, I'm filled with sadness, and yet, I appreciate so much in life, too. The sun is shining. We had friends over last night for delicious homemade Mexican food. I'm living in my city, the one I love and I live in my wonderful neighborhood, surrounded by people I've known for over twenty years. I work for an incredibly lovely person, in an office filled with great people. My play is having a reading this spring. And for today, Lola is curled up on the rug nearby and I can go over and rub her neck and her belly. And tell her how much I love her.

I just heard from Julie that Arlo is gone. She said it was painless and swift. They raised a glass to Arlo afterward and I do too. Rest in peace, Arlo.

Social Animals

2011-01-15T20:16:00.000-05:00

From this week's New Yorker: "I've come to think that flourishing consists of putting yourself in situations in which you lose self-consciousness and become fused with other people, experiences or tasks. It happens sometimes when you are lost in a hard challenge, or when an artist or a craftsman becomes one with the brush or the tool. It happens sometimes when you're playing sports, or listening to music or lost in a story, or to some people when they feel enveloped by God's love. And it happens most when we connect with other people. I've come to think that happiness isn't really produced by conscious accomplishments. Happiness is a measure of how thickly the unconscious parts of our minds are intertwined with other people and with activities. Happiness is determined by how much information and affection flows through us covertly every day and year." "Social Animal" by David Brooks

It seems like we are coming soon to the end of the divorce journey and hopefully moving on to the next phase of my single life. I have essentially been single now for almost two years, but not legally. It's time. It's close. There has been much happiness over this period and plenty of anxiety and sadness. I'm grateful for it all, I guess. It's been bloody and it's been empowering. I'm hoping this week is the last time I ever have to go to divorce court. I hope I never have to go with a friend, the way my friends have gone with me, but I would certainly show up for anyone who needed me. What a blessing it's been to have Cathy and Barbara with me. I wouldn't wish this on anyone though, it's been so unnecessarily painful.

What a miracle it's been though to have a home, friends, support and love. Even with the loss of the home and family I had, my daughter remains deeply connected to me and my friends remain incredibly supportive and loving. I just hope that I can report that this is over soon and this chapter of my life will come to a conclusion. I'm ready for a whole new book!

On a good note

2010-12-29T16:57:00.000-05:00

I don't really have much to say except that life is good today and I am so grateful. I read this quote this morning:

"There is one thing in this world you must never forget to do. Human beings come into this world to do particular work. That work is their purpose, and each is specific to the person. If you forget everything else and not this, there's nothing to worry about. If you remember everything else and forget your true work, then you will have done nothing with your life."

Rumi

I love that quote. For me writing comedy and hearing an audience laugh is my life's work. It's not so easy to get an audience, but still I write and hope that someday I will be doing my life's work and audiences will be there laughing. I also hope that with that spoon full of sugar, there is more to it than simple laughter, but really also some worthwhile things to say. Suddenly I sound very Jewish, like a Rabbi or something. What is that? Anyway, I am Jewish so I guess it's not such a big surprise. Just the Rabbi part.

It's almost the end of 2010, a year of so much transition and change and it definitely feels like it was so much better than the previous year, in so many ways.

So hopefully, we will all remember why we are here and even if we can't all do what we feel is our true work, we will know it and look for opportunities to do it.

Happy Christmas

2010-12-24T17:15:00.001-05:00

It's 2010 and there are many reasons in the world to feel worried and sad. The state of the world economy is still bad, although today in the newspaper there was talk of signs of improvement. But Haitians are still suffering and a war is waging in the Ivory Coast and the Congo, and the crazy budget that Congress passed is truly, even to someone who doesn't really understand economics, very worrisome. But in my little world, for today, I am filled with gratitude.

It isn't that I'm dancing on tables right now, or am madly in love, or won a lottery. And my beloved Lola (the beagle) is still not doing well and I worry about her. I got new medication to help her with pain she may have in her jaw, because the growth has affected her ability to eat. And my darling daughter Zoe isn't here for the holidays and I miss her. And it's winter, not my favorite time of the year. And this morning, I had a hard time getting up out of bed to feed the dogs and make my coffee, but once I did, we had two lovely walks.

I've been reading a lot lately, one of my passions in life. I just finished "Freedom" by Jonathon Franzen, which I really enjoyed, and now I'm reading a book called "The Help" by Kathryn Stockett, about Mississippi (love spelling that state) in 1962 and I can't put it down. I've added Keith Richards book "Life" to my reserved list at the library, along with "The Corrections" and I have many other books I want to read.

I'm working and yesterday I got to wander around Harlem looking at brownstones with a couple who are looking to buy one. I've always been curious about Harlem and I saw the Apollo Theater and Clinton's office, Mount Morris Park, which I'd only seen one time before and Morningside Park (was that once called "Needle Park" years ago because of all the drug use there?) I loved wandering around Harlem and I look forward to more trips there. I'm excited about next year and the reading of my play and I am enjoying helping people find homes. When sadness strikes, as it did the other day when I got so worried about Lola, I made a few calls to friends, sobbed, and then eventually spoke to the vet and the feelings passed. Right now, tonight, Lola is sitting next to the bed, taking a nap on a rug and she is very much alive. Right now, most of the people I love are healthy and I'm grateful for that. Lucy, my other beagle, is about to turn sixteen and she's doing great.

I heard a story on NPR about the Asian people who live in the Gulf Coast (worked in the fishing industry) and who are dealing with all the stress of the oil spill and lost jobs, fears of the future. They are living on money from BP for now, but that money will run out and they will have to find other jobs. Those who are Buddhists seem to be handling the situation relatively well, because they are not afraid of sadness and loss. It feels natural to them and not something to be afraid of.

I don't remember exactly how I felt last year at this time, but I'm quite sure I was still grieving. I am no longer under that cloud. Life is good, I have so much to be grateful for and I wish for everyone, a very happy, abundant and healthy new year. Let's hope that next year many of the problems we're facing start to turn around and more people find work and peace and some relief.

And...

2010-12-16T14:44:00.000-05:00

After writing about moving on yesterday, I have to also say that there is still a part of me that feels sad about the ending of a long relationship, a family, and the lack of contact with someone I was with for so many years.

I learned that word "and" - the idea that two conflicting feelings exist within us simultaneously - happy/excited about a new life and also sad/wistful about the loss of the old life. It's good to know that it's not that unusual to feel this way.

Reality Bites

2010-12-15T22:26:00.000-05:00

The reality of winter and cold, really cold weather. And two dogs that need to be walked, separately now, because Lola can hardly walk, so I have to carry her out and Lucy, who needs a good, long walk. Six times a day we walk, in the early morning, in the late afternoon, and then at night. So between working and walking and going to the gym and trying to stay warm myself, my life is full. And amazingly, happy. Today would have been our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. I celebrated by going to lunch with the people I'm working with and we had a fantastic lunch at Balthazar. I love working again, I finally feel like the last year and a half of grief and loss are mostly behind me and though there's still plenty to be sad about, and worry about, and angry about -- it all basically feels pretty much like life.

I'm happy to wake up each morning, do my meditation, have my coffee, sit quietly and then walk the dogs and go to the gym, if I have time. Simple things that feel just perfect. These simple things I am so grateful for.

They always say it's through the most adversity that we grow - I believe it's true. I'm so grateful for the past year and a half. I probably wouldn't appreciate these simple things now, if I hadn't lost so much and found myself in the process.

A year and a half

2010-12-08T17:38:00.000-05:00

Slowly, I feel my life is coming together. It's kind of amazing how that happens...almost without being aware of it, I have started to realize that I'm feeling happier, less emotional. In some ways, I really enjoyed the emotion - it felt good to be able to cry whenever I felt like it, or needed to cry. Now it comes unexpectedly, as it did during the news last night, when they reported Elizabeth Edwards' death, that made me cry. I feel so sorry for her kids. Life isn't fair, it doesn't play out the in the ways we think it should and often people, including her son, Wade, die too young and in shockingly unexpected ways. I hope that her family will find some peace eventually, knowing she is out of pain and that her kids will always remember her.

Anyway, I'm working again in real estate, with a fantastic woman and our office is like a little family. We have some great clients and I enjoy meeting so any new people all the time.

The best news is that my play is going to have a staged reading in April with most of the same cast who performed it at the Berkshire Playwrights Lab in July 2009. The director is Matt Penn and he is a terrific director. Fortuntely it's far enough away that I don't have to start panicking. Yet. There will be some panicking, hopefully not until at least March.

I'm sad about the state of the world, but there's not much I can do about that. I'm disappointed in our President and our government and I hope that Sudan's imminent election doesn't lead to a war, and that the fighting in the Congo ends, and that the world's economy picks up and there are so many problems now - but for right now - I just feel grateful to be alive.

Thanks

2010-11-25T10:29:00.000-05:00

Today is Thanksgiving and although I miss Zoe, and I never, in any of my fantasies, could have imagined my life looking the way it does now - I couldn't be more grateful for all the blessings in my life. My little dog Lola is lying on a small throw rug at my feet. My loftmate Abigail is in the kitchen, making herself some breakfast, no doubt Lucy is sitting nearby. I'm about to go to the gym for a run on the treadmill. I am working again. I've moved through a year and a half of the most difficult time I've ever experienced. A staged reading of my play is scheduled for February, with a new and much more satisfying ending.

And I just read this in my latest, favorite book "Fearless" by Steve Chandler.

"In my life, crawling out of the cave of despair, one book led to another. Where would I find courage? How would I make a living? How could I succeed at anything after having been such a failure at everything? Do I try to remember what my two alcoholic parents taught me.
Books were the answer. Books taught me everything. You're not going to find it in books? Maybe you aren't, but I did."

That has been true for me, particularly over this past year and a half. It wasn't entirely books - but all the spiritual work and research and my own writing was often stimulated by something I read, or by someone sharing something they'd learned from a book or a spiritual teacher.

So thanks for all the lessons learned - wherever they came from, no matter how painful, they all contributed to a transformational time.

Looking back one year

2010-11-15T08:28:00.000-05:00

A year ago I wrote these words in this blog:

Basically, my new life is starting, but not as quickly as I would like. I'd like to be back in Manhattan - by tonight - all unpacked and settled. I'd like to be really dating, not just going for coffees or talking on the phone. I'd like to find a good way to make money, because money is necessary and I like it. And if I had more, I could go to the theater, travel and do things that I really do enjoy, with friends or by myself.

I think it's true that no matter how lonely you are when you're alone, it can be less lonely than living with people.

When I read that this morning it gave me a great perspective on where I am. I'm living in Manhattan, settled, happy, living with the nicest human being in the world, I'm dating, have interesting experiences, I just went to San Francisco to see my beloved Zoe, and to Washington D.C., both trips were fantastic. I do go to theater now and then and all the movies are about to be free to the guilds, so I'm looking forward to seeing some good movies. I am working, my play is about to have a reading in January after a really good re-write that everyone who's read it seems to really love. I could easily complain about the divorce and the pain of going through it, but honestly - I'm so filled with gratitude for where I am today, I simply will acknowledge that nothing stays the same, everything changes and that I am very lucky to be surrounded by so much love and friendship.

Missing in Action

2010-10-27T23:03:00.000-04:00

It's not that nothing has been happening, or that I haven't felt like writing, I've been working on my play "Scrambled Eggs" and I went to San Francisco for a few days to visit my daughter. And then Lola's lump got even bigger and she wasn't urinating, so we had an emergency trip to the vet. The vet just suggested I give her more water in her food, so I did and she is much better. And now I have a twitch in my left eye and it's about seventy degrees out tonight and President Obama is going to be on the Daily Show - so what can I say but life goes on? And I'm just hoping the twitch goes away. Oh, and I loved visiting my daughter in San Francisco and can't wait to go back again soon!

Sitting with the fear

2010-09-29T20:17:00.002-04:00

I just spent the past few hours feeling unbelievably afraid. In the past few weeks I have heard of a number of people getting food stamps. I have heard of two suicides, both having to do with financial problems. A friend just told me about a documentary she just saw which is about the financial crisis "Inside Job." She said it was really good and also very depressing. A professor from Columbia University was paid $124,000 to do a study about Iceland's supposedly fabulous economy right before it melted down. All of the Wall Street players who helped get us into this gigantic mess are still out there - not one of them is in jail.

I know that Friends In Deed and many other non-profits are struggling to stay afloat. FID has been my lifeline this past year. I can't imagine where all of us would go if they closed their doors. A close friend of mine is about to have yet another round of radiation and oral chemo and she goes there often for support and a good place to just talk about her feelings. I cherish the times I can volunteer there, just so I have a chance to give back. I think I would try to have meetings in our living room if they ever closed and probably half of their clients would offer that too.

I made myself some dinner tonight and as I was reading an article about a couple who broke up after six years of living together ("opposites attract, but then ultimately they can drive each other crazy). She wrote about how challenging the past year has been. I suddenly had the thought, "Okay, well, sit with the fear and the sadness. Stop trying to block the feelings, just welcome them in." I have done this numerous times in the past few years, but I often forget that by not pushing it away or fighting it, sometimes the anxiety does get relieved, even just a little bit.

This morning I went to a breakfast meeting at an apartment in one of the most desirable buildings in Manhattan, on Central Park West, filled with unbelievable artwork. There were Warhols, a Calder, everywhere you looked there was amazing art. These people are not struggling right now. I don't know if that triggered my anxiety, but I was there to hear about Project Kesher, a wonderful organization that enables Jewish women in six countries of the former Soviet Union, Israel, and the U.S., to get organized and become more economically and politically empowered.

I think that the desire for economic empowerment is definitely something that I can relate to. As I read these past few months for the United Nations about women all over the world learning trades and earning a living, even if it is small at first, I could really relate to that feeling of accomplishment and independence.   We are in an economic crisis around the world and though there are millions of people in this country who aren't feeling it, it does seem to have touched so many of us.

So I will do what I particularly love to do in times of fear: I will open my small Pema Chodron book and look for something to read.

"Gain and victory to others

There is a classic Tibetan Buddhist teaching that says, "Gain and victory to others, loss and defeat to myself." These words, defeat and victory are so tied up with how we stay imprisoned. The real confusion is caused by not knowing that we have limitless wealth, and the confusion deepens each time we buy into this win/lose logic: if you touch me, that is defeat, and if I manage to armor myself and not be touched, that's victory.

Realizing our wealth would end our bewilderment and confusion. But the only way to do that is to let things fall apart. And that's the very thing we dread the most - the ultimate defeat. Yet letting things fall apart would actually let fresh air into this old stale basement of a heart that we've got.

Saying, "loss and defeat to myself" doesn't mean to become a masochist: "Kick my head in, torture me, and dear God, may I never be happy." What it means is that you can open your heart and your mind and know what defeat feels like.

You feel too short, you have indigestion, you're too fat, and too stupid. You say to yourself, "Nobody loves me, I"m always left out. I have no teeth, my hair's getting gray, I have blotchy skin, my nose runs." That all comes under the category of defeat, the defeat of ego. We're always not wanting to be who we are. However, we can never connect with our fundamental wealth as long as we are buying into this advertisement hype that we have to be someone else, that we have to smell different or have to look different.

On the other hand, when you say, "Victory to others," instead of wanting to keep it for yourself, there's the sense of sharing the whole delightful aspect of your life. You did lose some weight. You do like the way you look in the mirror. You suddenly feel like you have a nice voice, or someone falls in love with you or you fall in love with someone else. Or the seasons change and it touches your heart, or you begin to notice the snow in Vermont or the way the trees move in the wind. With anything that you want, you begin to develop the attitude of wanting to share it instead of being stingy with it or fearful around it."

Pema Chodron, "Start Where You Are"

Last week I had to go back for more root canal and my lovely friend Maxine's husband, Dr. Paul Rosenberg, did the root canal for a small fee and told me to pay him when I can. We thought that it might be an extensive amount of work on the tooth, but it turned out to be rather simple. Then, last April I filed for an extension on my taxes and found out last week that I had to file them by October 15th. I talked to the accountant and within a day they were filed, for a very small fee. As scared as I am sometimes, I do feel grateful that someday, one day at a time, things come together.

And right now, I'm sitting with the fear and I honestly think it feels a little bit better than fighting it.

About an hour after I wrote that post, I picked up Melody Beattie's book, "The Language of Letting Go" and this is what I read:

"What do we really want to do? What do we feel led to do? What are our instincts telling us? What do we feel guided to do? What are we excited about doing? Seek to find a way to do that, without worrying about the money."

I can do that. I can try to do that.

Back to court

2010-09-25T15:50:00.000-04:00

Or rather, first time to court with everyone involved in the divorce there. All I can say is divorce sucks, but it's better than an unhappy marriage. Our judge seems very fair and I like her. I wish this were over already. I wish we could move on with our lives and not have to keep paying lawyers and wasting time and money. I wish this was a year from now, when most of the wounds would probably be healed.

My life is good right now and I am filled with gratitude for the two friends who accompanied me to court yesterday and sat with me for three hours and then took me out to lunch. Barbara and Cathy - friends don't come much better than both of you. And then another really dear friend, Karen, took me out to dinner.

So how can I feel sad? Life is great, having friends is amazing, the judge will finally bring this to a conclusion, hopefully on November 30th, when all of us are expected to gather again, this time with more information and then, hopefully, a resolution. Although one thing I've learned from all of this is nothing is certain and lawyers make too much money.

It's a beautiful day today. I'm going to ride my bike to a party at the Hudson River in a couple of hours, to watch a sunset and gather with friends.

LSD

2010-09-21T18:15:00.002-04:00

"LSD" as in laughter, singing and dancing.

The other day, my loftmate Abigail and I, and six other people (I won't call us all dancers) performed a dance as part of a service at Judson Memorial Church, which is Abigail's church. We danced to Queen's "Don't Stop Me Now." It was ridiculously fun and Judson has a long history of dance performances by both famous dancers (Twyla Tharp) and not famous (us). I had exactly two rehearsals -- and it was a bit scary, but so much fun!

And - I'm embarrassed to recommend yet another book, but I will. This one is called "Reinventing Yourself" - How to Become the Person You've Always Wanted to Be - by Steven Chandler. Steve Chandler coined the LSD phrase. I found the book because Mama Gena (Regena Thomashauer) the woman whose fantastic workshop I took, recommended it. She works with Steve as her career coach and she managed to turn her life around after a very challenging divorce. I picked up the book and it has so many great messages - the first one being about "victim" vs. "owner" of your life. A victim lives a comfortable life, safe job, doesn't take risks. An owner takes many chances, tests himself, fails often, picks him/herself up and continues on, taking more chances. It's definitely a scarier, but much more interesting way to live.

Happiness without a hangover

2010-09-12T08:54:00.000-04:00

Some mornings I randomly open my "Pocket Pema Chodron" just to see what reading shows up for the day. This one seemed so appropriate, I had to share it.

"As we train in opening our hearts and discovering the soft spot, we gradually feel more joy, the joy that comes from a growing appreciation of our basic goodness. We still experience strong conflicting emotions, we still experience the illusion of separateness, but there's a fundamental openness that we begin to trust. This trust in our fresh, unbiased nature brings us unlimited joy - a happiness that's completely devoid of clinging and craving. This is the joy of happiness without a hangover.

How do we cultivate the conditions for joy to expand? We train in staying present. In sitting meditation, we train in mindfulness and unconditional friendliness; in being steadfast with our bodies, our emotions, our thoughts. We stay with our own little plot of earth and trust that it can be cultivated, that cultivation will bring it to its full potential. Even thought it's full of rocks and the soil is dry, we begin to plow this plot with patience. We let the process evolve naturally.

At the beginning joy is just a feeling that our own situation is workable. We stop looking for a more suitable place to be. We've discovered that the continual search for something better does not work out. This doesn't mean that there are suddenly flowers growing where before there were only rocks. It means we have the confidence that something will grow here. As we cultivate our garden, the conditions become more conducive to the growth of bodhichitta. The joy comes from not giving up on ourselves, from mindfully sticking with ourselves and beginning to experience our great warrior spirit."

Bodhichitta can be translated to "the awakening mind, the acceptance of what is." Most days I feel able to live this way, some days are more challenging. But it feels like I'm moving in that direction and it's good.

Challenging days

2010-09-10T10:34:00.000-04:00

We are working on finishing up this film for the United Nations MDG Summit on the 20th of September and it's a difficult time.

I know that it will be great to have done this, but right now, when we're in a huge time crunch and I'm working on a section of the film that is all in Spanish (with English translations, but not everything is translated and I haven't seen the film) - it's a bit intense.

Will write more soon when I can come up from air. All I can say is, I'm glad to have done this and I will be happy when it's completed. It's definitely created some stressful moments, but when I remember who the film is really for - the people around the world who need so much help - I feel better. And it's been a collaborative effort, with everyone from the director to my loftmate, Abigail, who's been enormously helpful.

Joy

2010-09-03T16:11:00.000-04:00

You know the 24 hour rule? When something good happens you generally have about a 24 hour window to celebrate, before you go back to being your normal anxious self. (Actually, I'm speaking for myself, but I have read this.) Right now I need to jump up and down and sing and dance and do whatever it is that makes me happy, because I have just had a positive experience.

The past few weeks has been an extremely challenging learning experience. I am beyond grateful to have been working on a project for the United Nations that is focused on lifting the poorest people around the world out of poverty, to bring them access to food, clean water, good sanitation, health care, education and more opportunities for gender equity. This is no easy task, the U.N. has been focused on these goals, called the Millennium Development Goals, for ten years. Do you know about them? Not enough people do. There are five years left in this project and they have to take everything they've learned over the past ten years and push forward on these goals. There have been some positive results, but right now the focus is on the challenges ahead, on the countires in the world that have not benefited enough from the MDG's. The tasks ahead are enormous, but many of them are so doable. Mothers shouldn't be still dying in such enormous numbers in childbirth. HIV/AIDS should not be transmitted from mother to child anymore. Decent health care can be accessible all over the world. We can put pressure on countries where conflict is still going on and civilians are being killed and raped. We can make sure that everyone has access to clean water and nourishing food.

The meeting I had today was about clarifying the language for the short film we're making, while the director and her crew is out in the field working on one part of it. It was a positive meeting and I felt good about my relationship with the people at the U.N. Development Program. I have no idea if I will have an opportunity to continue working with them in the future, but what a gift it's been to have had this assignment. Not only is my brain crammed with information that I never knew, I have been tested day after day, dealing with more stress in a work situation than I've had in a long time. I handled it. Not perfectly, not even close, but I did a very good job, given how demanding it was. And it's not over.

We still have a film to make. And it's due soon. The conference is September 20-22 and many people have to sign off on it before it gets shown. Will it work? Will it all come together in time? Stay tuned....and I'm going to enjoy the next eighteen or so hours before the fear and anxiety returns.

Big changes

2010-08-24T13:14:00.000-04:00

I'm in the middle of working on an assignment for a fantastic project that involves the United Nations and a big summit that is happening in NY in a month.

It's very thrilling and it's been one of the most frustrating and stressful projects I've ever been involved with, mainly because of the bureaucratic nightmares that are necessary to overcome with when you're working with such an enormous organization.

But I've learned so much about what is happening in third world countries and about the Millenium Project, about what has been achieved and how much is left to do. Our job is about making films around the world and sharing information about projects that have succeeded and the lessons learned.

I'm being very vague because I have to work on a script now, but I just wanted to say that all of this couldn't have come at a better time. It is totally engrossing and challenging to deal with all the stress and learning about the world - especially when the past year has been so involved with grieving so many losses. This has put my problems in perspective and taken the focus off of me. And aside from feeling like this is giving me a strong sense of purpose, it has also enabled me to make money - which for everyone in the world, especially those who are living in poverty - the chance to make money and improve your life and the life of your family, is a universal theme, no matter where you live.

One year later

2010-08-11T12:06:00.000-04:00

I just looked back at this blog and saw that on August 5, 2009, my daughter, Zoe, and ex, Steve packed up the car and left our family home (the most recent one - we'd moved about three times in previous five years.) I remember the feelings I had that day, it was probably one of the lowest points of my life. I had just lost my mother and now my family was breaking apart.

So here I am one year later. It's been an incredible year of magical thinking, I guess you could say. Many miracles and many life lessons have occurred. A one year anniversary is significant in that it is a measure of the first Thanksgiving without your family, the first birthday, Christmas and Hanukah, a long series of firsts. Surviving these events, going through all the feelings that come up, starts to gradually make you feel stronger.

I am so grateful for the way this year has unfolded and for all the positive changes in my life. I have a wonderful home in Manhattan with the nicest loftmate in the world. My dogs are still here with me and although they are both old, and not doing all that well, they have given me so much love, it would have been much harder without them. (And it was also hard with them -- walking four times a day most days, in the winter, in the heat - not an easy job.) They are pretty famous in the neighborhood, particularly Lola.

I am close to having a job, at least a freelance one. I don't want to talk about it yet, but it's something that I am very excited about - and I hope will work out. Zoe is doing really well in San Francisco. I've met some very nice men. I've learned so much about life just by sitting in Friends In Deed for the past year. I've kept up my meditation practice, as imperfect as it is. I've started running again and although recently my knee has been bothering me, I've kept it up and am working on building up the muscles around my knees. Exercise has really helped. We are getting closer to resolving our divorce and hopefully that will happen soon. I wish Steve well, I am tired of fighting and look forward to someday having all of this in the past.

My friends have sustained me and I don't even have the words to say how grateful I am.

Onward.

Great news!

2010-08-04T13:19:00.000-04:00

Lola, my little beagle, is fine! Her lump turned out to have no sign of cancer cells and is probably hyperplastic proliferation - excessive growth of muscle or tissue.

So, I guess Lola is a bit like my mother, she's one tough cookie. She probably has a benign tumor in her cerebral cortex which has affected her gross motor skills, making it difficult for her to walk. She has an adorable prancing movement, which she seems to have perfected, her front legs move separately from the hind legs. She has lost most of her vision, has arthritis, bladder issues, and frequently lies down on walks. But her tail wags often and she seems to attract everyone who sees her. She's the sweetest dog, except when she decides to bark at another dog, which she does for no obvious reason, just because she wants to.

I couldn't imagine losing her yet and I'm so relieved that she will be with us for awhile longer, at least.

I read this quote on a subway yesterday, by Stephen W. Hawking, which I particularly liked:

"The whole history of science has been the gradual realization that events do not happen in an arbitrary manner, but that they reflect a certain underlying order, which may or may not be divinely inspired."

Waiting

2010-07-31T15:40:00.000-04:00

This morning I read a Pema Chodron quote about gloriousness and wretchedness from "Start Where You Are." It says basically you just need to have both in your life, it can't be all glorious and hopefully it isn't all wretched.

Today I (and many of my friends) are waiting for a biopsy report to come back for my beloved little dog, Lola. I have mentioned before that she has had some trouble walking and recently the vet suggested that she probably has a benign brain tumor growing in her cerebral cortex, affecting gross motor skills.

Thursday morning, as I was petting her, I felt a very large lump on the side of her head, which literally appeared overnight. It's the size of an egg. We rushed to the vet and she did a biopsy and now we are waiting for the results. It is a hard mass and the vet felt it was probably another tumor.

I am having a hard time believing that this amazing little dog, who I have come to love so much, may be very ill. She has a good appetite, she doesn't seem to be in any pain, and her only real symptom is that she walks like she is a bit drunk. I love my dog, Lucy, but in terms of personality, she doesn't come close to Lola. Lola is a funny, charming, adorable little dog. She seems to pick up people wherever she goes and creates smiles and laughter as she prances down the street.

I ran over to Friends In Deed to talk about my sadness and worry about Lola was reminded not to get into a negative prediction. For today, she is still with us. I don't know why our pets make their way into our hearts the way they do, probably because it's the purity of the love and the devotion. And they make us happy.